Where do I go from here

[kirstin]

In November 2014 just shy of 5 months ago, I received a phone call that flipped my world upside down. My older brother had tragically and suddenly passed away in his sleep after complications from a seizure (SUDEP) 

We did everything together, I looked up to him and I am having a real difficult time on understanding that this has really happened my heart is torn apart into a million pieces. We were just starting our lives. He was 34 just married (less then a year) and had just started a family (had his first child 3 months earlier) Im sad for my sister in law, my parents my niece..... but mostly I am lost. Losing my brother has been the hardest hurdle and sometimes I feel as if I am just expected to move on quicker say then my sister in law or my parents, "I'm just the sibling" I hate it. Where do I go from here?

[Guest]

I know how you feel. I lost my brother last year May 18th and it has not gotten any better. I don't know where to go from here either. All I know is that nothing has gotten better and it hurts like hell. I feel it is a life sentence and finally when I die I will be at peace one day as for now, I don't see that happening. 

[kirstin]

I completely agree, I'm in a weird/tough position where I live half the year on the west coast and half the year on the east coast (my family and brother were on the east coast) so it is totally normal for me to go 6 months without seeing my brother but we speak almost daily FaceTime,text,calls ect.....and when I'm back east we are basically inseparable doing everything together. I am preparing to move back to the east coast for the summer and its starting to really hit home right now that I won't see Corey, I have days where I'm CONVINCED that this is just a dream then I have a moment or a thought where I tell myself what happened and I run through in my mind that he is dead, and it just continues to rip through and  break my heart all over again, it just reopens the rawness the heavy feeling in my chest the knots in my stomach as if it was that morning when I received the phone call, saying we had lost my brother. Im finding this constant reminder soon hard and debilitating every day. does this sound familiar to you or anyone? any advice on how to work through it, or is it really just a day by day thing of reminding myself that he is gone and feeling soon much hurt.

 

[Angelpur]

Hi Kirstin,

I am in a similar position to you in that I didn't live close to my sister anymore (she was at uni in Bristol and I live in London) so I was used to going without seeing her for a few months at a time and then when we were together we were inseparable. She'd just moved to China for 15 months at the beginning of Jan so I was prepared to go without seeing her for longer until I went out to visit. Like you, we would call or text pretty much every day.

Getting used to not being able to contact her all the time has been the hardest adjustment so far...I am still in utter disbelief that I won't SEE her again either. It just doesn't seem possible. She died on Feb 10th (even writing the word 'died' seems wrong) and I know I'm a long way from accepting it. I'm still always reminding myself that this has really happened. It is terrifying.

I don't really know how this gets better...talking and writing about it definitely helps a little. Sharing your feelings on this site with others who understand is a good move. Have you had any therapy? Do your parents understand YOUR loss? Do you have any other siblings? Are you able to see much of Corey's wife and daughter- what is your relationship like with them?

It's really horrendous what we're going through. Few people understand. I pray that there is some sort of afterlife/spiritual world so that I can imagine my sister is always with me and I'll see her again one day. I cling to that.

Xx

[kirstin]

Hi Angelpur,

 

I am so sorry that you have lost your sister, I am right with you on the disbelief feelings and saying and writing words such as "death" and "died" both look and feel so foreign and unimaginably weird. Im not sure if "Acceptance" is ever possibly but hopefully coping and dealing is more understandable of course with time.

Since Coreys passing I have not tried therapy, i have thought about it, I did however join a "walking support group" which I have found helpful, but its just so tough because most people in the group have lost partner husband or wife to terminal illness, and in no way would i ever say one is easier then the other, they are just so different and speaking with someone who else has so unfortunalty had to go through losing a sibling is easier to talk with I find. I have no spoken with my parents much regarding my brothers death, have you spoken with yours? in the beginning i think the sheer pain and rawness of it took over and we all had our own individual situations but I found it hard that neither of my parents ever asked if "I WAS OK" maybe thats selfish I don't know, i do have a good relationship with them, I now speak with them every day just to touch base, i do however just feel a bit a lone when most people see me they ask how my parents are doing or how his wife and baby are doing..... just hard.

I do have a great relationship with his wife and of my gosh my niece (ok maybe I'm biased) is just the cutest little gem ever I get pictures sent to me atlas weekly if not more often and updates and FaceTime chats, so its great but also so hard you know? she looks just like her dad seriously kinda weird but soon beautiful just hard to think she's growing up with out her daddy.

 

You mentioned that you pray that there is some sort of afterlife or spiritual world and I believe there is. you don't have to imagine that she is with you.... your sister is with you and I aswell hope that one day we will become reunited again, its important. have you dreamt of your sister at all since her passing?

 

[Angelpur]

Hi Kirstin

 

I'm currently going to the family home every weekend (since this happened) so my parents get to see how I feel whether I like it or not. We each break down in front of each other and cry together, so we all know how much we're hurting. They comfort me and I them, but there's a lot we don't say to each other because we try and be at least a little bit strong for the sake of everyone else...although I'm not sure how much that's really working. It's still so raw and early for us. 

 

Yeah I can understand that your walking support group might not have been the 'right' sort of support if they have all gone through a different loss. And it's hard to be made to feel like we should be recovering quicker than parents or a spouse. Sibling loss is very unique....not only do you share all the memories of the past and growing up together, but you've got a whole future that you expect to have together too. I think a lot of people underestimate how huge sibling loss is. 

 

I've had 3 dreams about Francesca since she passed away in Feb. In the first I was trying to wake her up from the carbon monoxide poisoning. In the other 2 we were just chatting normally, like we always did. Do you dream about Corey?

 

Thanks so much for saying what you did about not having to imagine that she's with me, because she is, that really meant a lot to me x

[kirstin]

Hi Angelpur,

 

Im glad to hear you are visiting your parents in your family home often to be together and cry together, I feel it is super important to let them know how you are processing or not processing, but at the same time having a different support circle to lean on is just as important, as you said to a certain extent you feel you need to be a bit strong for each other. 

I asked about dreams, and I'm glad you have had a dream with your sister that is easier to enjoy, while you two were just chatting away, thats what she wants you to remember, not the dream where you were trying to save her. i have had both nightmares where I see my brothers last moments as well as great dreams that give me so much to hold on to, and help me believe in this bigger universe that we live in and don't fully understand yet. Those dreams help me understand and know that Corey is with me on a daily basis, and will continue to be I need to hold on to that, and hopefully you can take that away as well with your visit like dreams from Francesca.

Today is a tough day for me, as reality is sinking in just a little bit more, my parents are making final resting arrangements for my brother at the cememetary today, i mentioned i live on the west coast at the moment and its been hard to REALLY believe, Im flying home on friday and I'm so scared of the truth, its been close to 5 months but its jut a long road and process. I remember the early on moments and I feel for you as you round those first few months. I wish you well, and with time and when your ready the "rawness" of it slowly fades and the time between the sadness and despair will lengthen not saying the pain ever goes away, you'll just have good moments where you can smile again, hold on to that.

 

Kirstin

[mydeepestthoughts]

I would like to extend my deepest condolences,I have sisters,and one brother,so your letter really touched me. I wanted to share a scripture that may provide comfort to you,and your loved ones...It is a scripture of a future hope, Rev 21: 3,4 reads: "With that I heard a loud voice from the throne say: “Look! The tent of God is with mankind, and he will reside with them, and they will be his people. And God himself will be with them. 4 And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.” A time when pain, sorrow, and death are no more! Can this really happen? Did you know that the bible also teaches that one day we will see our dead loved ones again? I invite you to learn about this, and many other bible truths that provide real hope for the future.

http://www.jw.org/en/publications/books/dead-live-again-tract/dead-live-again/

My deepest sympathies.

[Angelpur]

Hi Kirstin,

 

I've had a hard weekend. We went to see my sisters' coffin and I just couldn't believe that my sweet, brave sister was stuck in that white box. It's the first time I'd been with her since she left for China in January, all set for her 'big adventure'. Talking to her and stroking the coffin was the most emotionally intense experience of my life. The funeral is Fri 8th; nearly 3 months after she passed away. I'm going to sit with her again tomorrow.

 

I hope flying back has gone 'ok' for you. Please share how you're doing...

 

xx

 

 

 

[kirstin]

Hi Angelpur,

I am so sorry I didn't reply earlier...... And I'm sorry you had a hard weekend, I can believe that finally having your sister back home is a relief but at the same time not easy at all, I'm glad you were able to have a private moment with her body/coffin. I found that moment when I first saw my brothers urn was very surreal and started to sink in that this is unfortunately now the reality of our family......and I mean 5 months later it still hasn't sunk in. This next week as you approach her funeral will be tough and please know I'm here so if you wanna vent out any feelings I'll always listen.

For me I've been back home for a week, and well I gotta say it's been easier then what I thought but I mean, so incredibly hard to see my brothers daughter and his two step kids who miss him so much it's heart breaking, I feel at times that I'm trying to distract my own feelings by hurting for them or even just distracting myself by putting energy into my family and my brothers family. I know I need to ensure I'm taking time for myself it just hurts to much. Still at times I feel as if he's just away on a trip.

Please know I'm here for you as an open ear or advice, what are the plans for your sisters service??? Any ideas on how you can honour her as her sister? I helped with my brothers plans and I spoke at his service but I also took a day afterwards to be alone in his favourite spot and honours "our sibling" relationship. You might find that something along those lines might help.

You'll be in my thoughts this week.

Kirstin

[Angelpur]

Hi Kirstin

 

Thank you for your kind message.

The service was amazing; it was the best day we've had since my sister passed away. The church was packed, and her white coffin covered with red roses looked so pure and beautiful. Six family members and friends carried her into the church. I read a long poem and my Dad read his eulogy; there wasn't a dry eye in the room. Everything went perfectly and the reception afterwards was filled with wonderful people. I could actually tolerate talking to lots of people because the only topic was my sister. The room was covered with photos of her and we played a video tribute.

 

Unfortunately the day had to end, and now it's back to the daily sorrow I've become used to over the last 3 months. 3 months today in fact. I am just SO SAD. And despite having the funeral I STILL can't believe that this permanent. She can't just be gone!!!!

 

It sounds like you managed to be strong for your brothers daughter and step kids. That's really brave of you, but yes you need to take time for yourself too. It's hard though isn't it. It's all so hard! And difficult to know if there's a 'right way' to grieve, or if it's a constant case of muddling through.

 

I just want her back. It's the only thing that can make me, my brother and my parents happy again. I just don't see a future otherwise. Life is so cruel.

 

xxx

[kirstin]

Hi Angelpur,

I'm so happy to hear you and your family and friends were able to honor your sister in what sounds to have been a beautiful ceremony.

I understand how your feeling now it's just that little bit more real now that there has been a funeral and in no way does it make it easier. I'm rounding 6 months without my brother and I wish I could tell you the pain and sorrow fades, but it doesn't your grief journey is yours and only yours for me I did find moments of pain to be constantly there but I have been able to smile and laugh at times to and when you have those happy moments don't feel guilty (you will I'm sure of it) but try not to. It doesn't mean your not sad or angry . I feel the exact same way I'm having a hard time this week accepting that this is the way my family is from now on mom and dad and me just not as happy as we could be and knowing that sucks forsure.

[Angelpur]

Hi Kirstin

 

I'm now 3.5 months into this grief journey and I have to fight to keep my sister fresh in peoples minds and to remind them that no, I am not 'feeling better' or 'back to normal'. Grief is not linear and some days are ok and some days are twice as bad. I haven't had a day without crying yet and that makes it 104 days of tears. With each day that passes I'm one step further away from the person I used to be, the life I used to lead, and the sister I loved with all my heart.

 

Yes I experience a lot of guilt whenever I try and do something even vaguely enjoyable. How can I smile or laugh when my sister never will again? It's so difficult to move on when I don't to

 

I'm sorry that you were having a bad week the last time you wrote- how are your family doing?

 

x

[kirstin]

Hi Angelpur,

We are holding it together, I've been back to work since the beginning of May. But have made lots of trips to visit my family and my baby niece, it's just so hard seeing my family hurt so much and knowing they will never be as happy as they could be ever again. It was 6months last week and I found that very tough. The pain is literally just under my skin all the time. It's so tough. How have been holding up this past week?

You mentioned last week how hard it as people have these unrealistic expectations for you like "being back to normal" and "moving on" i swear I wish someone gave those people a heads up on the few sentences to NEVER say o someone goig through loss. It sounds like your doing it right, ignore them and just be...... Whatever you need to do is just perfect. Keep on it.

Kirstin

[Angelpur]

Hi Kirstin

Sorry that I haven't replied in so long. I've been in a black fog and haven't managed to motivate myself to do much. But I noticed on another thread that you had your birthday recently- ours are just a few days apart as mine was on 12th June. It was my first birthday without my sister and I started crying as soon as I woke up. That set the tone for the whole day really! At work I was sad and emotional, and after work I met my parents and brother. We have all been so sad for each other as we mark our birthdays without her. My mum got me a bracelet with the engraving 'Gab & Ches forever x'. It was my favourite present even though I broke down when I opened it. How was your birthday???

It's been nearly 5 months without my sister. I have days when I think I'm coping better and then the next will be twice as bad. There's no pattern; grief is unpredictable. All I know is that my heart is completely broken and recovery seems impossible.

Love Gabby x

[pianoguy]

I am so sorry for your loss, kirstin. It is so tragic he died right when he started a family and was at the highest point in his life. I feel like siblings get the crappy end of the stick here. When my sisters died, my parents thought they were almighty and had total say. WRONG. If someone explicitly tells you that "you're just the sibling" again, go ahead and tell them that "sibling" is just one word on a very long list of what your brother was to you. 

[kirstin]

Gabby,

I hope you are doing well, and when your reading this I soooo very wish that today was a good day for you, just like you I am juggling good and bad days I feel when I am happy I think about Corey then I'm down in the dumps again. I try to quickly put a good memory into my mind like the last time we were together and I smile, and then cry

Happy belated birthday, I agree this year was just so hard to celebrate I was just mad at the world, the gift your mom gave you sounds so very special, a way to keep your sister close at all times.

I hope you can find a moment of joy today.

In my thoughts

Kirstin

[Angelpur]

Hi Kirstin

Yes I know exactly what you mean about almost feeling happy and then remembering. Like earlier I was shopping for new clothes and a good song came on and for a minute I must have been in a good mood because suddenly I realised it and then thought "but my sister's dead" and my good mood stopped abruptly. Before she died I was a naturally optimistic person and so it's very easy sometimes to slip momentarily into the person I once was (after all I had 30 years of being like that), but then it hits me again that everything has changed and I really don't feel like I'll ever have a genuinely happy moment again. Everything will be tainted by this. I'm not sure if all that made sense..

Another thing is that I still don't think that deep down I've accepted that she's never coming back. It still feels like a horrible nightmare that will end at some point. Does this mean I'm still in shock? Denial? Can you be in shock for 5 months?!

I think about my sister all the time and I wonder when that will fade. I'm horrified by that thought; it will feel like a betrayal. When will it stop hitting me every time I wake up? I'm still fighting this being real xx

[kirstin]

Hey Gabby,

Of course that all totally made sense, and I think acceptance well.... I'm truly not sure of anyone EVER accepts a loved ones passing I believe it's kinda just one of those things people say.... Just like when people first heard they tell you to "be strong" it's like seriously why? Why do I need to accept that my brother is not coming back I will always honor him but it will hurt because I want him here with me.

I also think that you can be in shock for 5 months forsure I mean I have days where I say what happened out loud and it scares me to believe it I'm not in denial it just takes so long to believe it actually happened because all your mind wants to believe is that it's a dream or that it happened to someone else. Right? I say we just keep on keeping on, and in whatever flow the day takes us and I like to think if I'm smiling or laughing then my bro is there helping me along but when I need to be angry or cry or be upset that's ok to because this sucks!

I hope tomorrow your able to smile a bit

One moment at a time.

Kirstin

[Nassilia]

Hello there,

Letting go of a loved one is for sure NOT something anybody is ready to do.

Reading your story as well as the comments makes me feel better about my own loss because of the common situations we all had/still have to face.

I posted my story "being the remaining sibling" on the "loss of a sibling" section If you would like to read it, it may help you.

I am sorry for your loss and I really hope you'll find peace and relief.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Kind thoughts ♡

[Missingmysissy]

I lost my sister to ovarian cancer on May 2, this year. She was my best friend, the glue that held our family together. She was only 60 years old and left behind a husband and 3 daughters. She fought this terrible beast for 15 months, never complained, never asked why me and never gave up. I am truly lost without her. I worry about everyone else's grief, my poor mother. No mother should ever have to bury her child at any age. I worry about my beautiful nieces, they are so lost and then at night when no one else is around, I cry for myself. At work I am able to keep busy, but at night it hits me and knocks the air out of my lungs and I can't breath. How can this be real? How can my beautiful sister be gone forever? I pick up the phone to text or call and then I remember. I'm so angry that this happened to her, it's all so unfair. I pray every night that she might visit me in a dream so I can hear her voice one more time. I hate what this has done to our family and I feel like we will never be whole again. I miss my sissy

[kirstin]

Missingmysissy,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister, as I aswell recently have lost my brother who left behind a small young family I understand your questions your anger and your sadness. Please know your not alone and we are here to talk if needed.

[Missingmysissy]

In November 2014 just shy of 5 months ago, I received a phone call that flipped my world upside down. My older brother had tragically and suddenly passed away in his sleep after complications from a seizure (SUDEP) 

We did everything together, I looked up to him and I am having a real difficult time on understanding that this has really happened my heart is torn apart into a million pieces. We were just starting our lives. He was 34 just married (less then a year) and had just started a family (had his first child 3 months earlier) Im sad for my sister in law, my parents my niece..... but mostly I am lost. Losing my brother has been the hardest hurdle and sometimes I feel as if I am just expected to move on quicker say then my sister in law or my parents, "I'm just the sibling" I hate it. Where do I go from here?

[kirstin]

I have not written for a while, even though I visit this site daily and read others stories and hardships. I have taken a bit of time to reflect, I have been coping well i believe over this past summer, some days are still better then others and I'm still frequently visited by those days and moments of complete despair and hurt. I am slowly coming closer to terms with reality (as in I am no longer pretending this is just a dream or corey is off on some personal protection mission or something) I have lost my physical brother and it felt like it was going to take ages to come but I am just around the corner from that dreadful day one year ago when I was awoken to such horrible news.

We just passed thanksgiving here at home, and it was so tough as this was the last weekend I spent with my brother while he was still alive. it was an incredibly memorable weekend for me last year, so it defiantly made this past weekend just that extra bit hard to get through, but I did. I am still in a bit of fog with what I will do on Nov 24th to honour my brother, I hope to have something planned as I can only imagine the days leading up to the day are going to be harder for me to concentrate and focus. 

Throughout this link I continue to read posts from others going through the similar loss of a sibling and one very repeitive  sentence comes up, one that I as well wrote and feel almost daily.

 

"feeling like I'm just the sibling and my grief is not as deep as other relationships" or "continually being asked how your parents are doing or your siblings family"

 

well folks Im with all of you losing my sibling was the worst feeling in the world, our bond we had together was soon strong he was my rock, and living each day knowing i won't see him again is just to painful. and I want others to know that if you've been put in those positions, please know you are not alone and you are never "just the sibling" nobody will ever understand the bond between you and your brother or sister its something special and unique that truly only you and your sibling FULLY understood and we should all carry that with us.

 

thinking of corey today and everyday, but as well a bit of me hurts for all of us that have had to lose our superhero,mentors,best friends and all those other fantastic ways we describe our brothers and sisters.

 

 

[raemarie11]

Thank y'all for sharing your feelings and stories. It really helps to know you're not alone throughout this tragic experience, though it also hurts to know someone (you) are going through the same thing I am. It's so hard. It's unbearable. It's coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my brother's death. He was 23 years old when he died suddenly. He had just graduated from college two months prior to his death and got his first job in the career field he dreamed of. He had so many goals and aspirations that he will now never get to experience and share with the world. It upsets me because I was supposed to be there for him. Guide him through life, and help him in his future endeavors. I was supposed to watch out for him and make sure nothing tragic ever happened to him. But it did. I have to admit that I feel so much guilt. I moved away from home 8 years ago (1700 miles away from all family) for school. It saddens me that I wasn't around to see him become an adult. For financial reasons I was only able to visit a couple of times a year for the holidays. Those will always be cherished memories, but I will always feel guilt for not being around as much as I could have. I know I have to truck on because that's what he would have wanted. So I've been extremely focused on my career but waves of emotion hit me at random times of the day/night and it's hard to go through that while you're trying to advance in your career. I try to keep a poker face on at work, but sometimes it's so hard. I don't want anyone to know how badly I'm hurt, but then again, I really need support. I stay strong for my family, but I need an outlet. I feel like writing to my brother is a big help. When I was younger I didn't write a diary because I thought -- who the hell am I writing to -- but recently I started writing letters to my brother when I need to talk to him and it helps get the emotions out without having to cry them out every time, though I definitely do my fare share of crying too. I hope my experiences and views help others going through the same situation, as your posts have helped me. Thank you again for listening.

[BelleB]

Hi... I live in Los Angeles, CA. I lost my little brother 4 years ago to an accidental drug overdose. He was my best friend, my soul mate, I was his big sister and I adored him. The loss has made our family grow apart, not together... and I am the one who takes the burden of helping everyone through their grief, especially my mom. She still calls and cries (my family lives in Alabama). We just got off the phone where our conversation - that started with her asking how I was - ending with her telling me how I will never understand what it's like to lose a child and what she's going through. it resulted in me screaming at her that I know I will never understand but for some no one seems to understand how much pain I'm going through.  For the record, I never do this. I usually just listen and tell her how sorry I am and encourage her to see a therapist. I hung up the phone feeling horrible but more than that, feeling complete despair because I miss him so much... Sometimes I can't take it. I'm single and have good friends but no family or children of my own to love... I desperately want a child so that maybe there will be a little piece of my brother in that child - maybe his laugh, his eyes, his smile... I don't look at photos of him and smile and laugh (although I wish I could). I see photos of instantly cry. I put them up to my heart and hug them hoping maybe it will feel like I'm hugging him again.  Will this ever get better??? 

[stkate50]

Kirsten, 

I realize this post is really old. My brother passed away in March of this year also to SUDEP. He had not a seizure in 10 months (previously only had 2 in 2015) so we are still in shock. I am having a really hard time with it which I am sure is normal. But' I'm just not sure what or where to go from here. I am trying to live life as normal as possible but most days it is really hard.