15 years old, almost a year since mommy died and still a mess

[Lorri]

My mom was battling endometrial cancer from 2009 until 2014. She has a hysterectomy late 2010, and was cancer free by christmas that year. A couple months later, she was having really bad stomach pain, all the time. She went to her doctor and they told her that the cancer was back, but it came in tumors. The type of cancer that my mom had was like a 2% chance in it coming back, and it did for her. And once it did, it was too hard for her to fight off. My mom was really little, she hasn't always been little, but she was getting smaller with age. She was about 5'4 and 115 pounds when she was diagnosed. She was about 75-80 pounds when she died.She had started chemotherapy, it didn't work. She did radiation, it didn't work. She finally tried this new medication, it didn't work. She then went onto a pump associated with hospice that had all of her medications in it, and they would just pump into her port on her chest.( a little opening thingy where you can put ivs in instead of the arm; it's easier) I remember i was in the talent show, and she went up to her moms house to stay for a couple days which was about 2 hours away, to see her sister from a different state and was going to drive back down for the talent show where i was surprising her by singing a song about a mother battling cancer. She ended up not being able to make it, due to getting sicker and sicker. I went up the next day to go see her, and she was sleeping, and had been sleeping all day, and continued to sleep the rest of the day and night. By this time, she had been in a wheel chair for a couple weeks because her legs were too weak to hold herself. She woke up one of those nights at her moms, and told her mom that she wanted to stay there permanently. The next day, me, my mom, and my grandma and my moms sister drove down to the town our house was, and went to switch hospice paperwork for the medince, and they checked her into a room. By this time she wasn't responsive really. And to be honest. I didn't quite understand why they checked her in. I mean i knew she wasn't responding well to us, but it didn't click that this was the end. The torture lead on for about 3 days, and it was finals week at school. They put her on a medicine where she wasn't really supposed to wake up very often, and so basically we had to say our goodbyes. The last thing i remember, was her waking up and seeing me crying, and then she started crying and telling me how sorry she was. The day that she had died, i was at the coast with my sister and her family. I wasn't really talkative for the rest of the day and i cried a lot, but i mostly didn't talk to anybody. Me and my dad kind of seperated then..We're not as close as we were. Anyways, it's almost been a year since she's passed (may 31) and i'm still crying myself to sleep almost every night, and no matter how hard i try i can't understand what i did to deserve this. I don't know why she was taken from me, especially at such a young age. And i don't want to sound complainy or anything because i understand people have it worse, but i mean, she was my everything, i loved her so much, and i'm seriously so guilty that i was such a brat and mean, when i wasn't trying to be. I would be so mean, and on the inside be like stop, she'll be gone soon, stop acting like that but i couldn't stop. anyways, i was closest to her throughout anybody else and i don't understand why she had to leave. I'm really into writing songs and playing instruments, and i've tried writing songs, i've tried writing in a journal, counselours, i've tried almost everything to get it out of my head, but i just can't. I've never been apart of a support group so i figured i'd try. I hope i did this right, and i apologize for making this so long, i got out of hand. Thanks for reading, everybody. By the way, it's like 3 am and i'm really tired so i'm not going to proof read this, so hopefully it makes sense!

[cindyjane]

Hugs Lorri .... I am so sorry for your loss.  Your loss is still very recent in my mind thus your continued grieving.  It sounds like you are doing some helpful things to get through this process .. writing songs, playing instruments, journalling.  Something I did when I lost both of my parents was to write them letters.  Telling them how much I love them, what good parents they were, how grateful I was to have them for parents, the special memories I have of family vacations, birthday celebrations, anniversaries, etc.  I just wrote to them things that came into my heart.  That helped me a lot.  

 

I am not sure that we'll ever stop thinking about a parent or missing a parent who we've lost,but it slowly gets easier with time.  

 

I felt a little like you when I lost both parents in less than a year.  I wondered why did this happen???  What did I do to deserve this kind of pain???  The answer to the first question is because that is life here on this earth, we are born and one day when God decides HE will take us home.  The answer to the 2nd question is I did nothing to deserve this pain.  I am so sad over this simply because I love my parents so much and miss them so much.  Time really is a healer Lorri, just keep on doing what you're doing and the heaviness of your heart will lift.

 

take care

Cindy Jane

[Lorri]

Thank you Cindy. And it sucks because my father isn't 'gone' he just isn't a father figure, and he just lost it after my mom died. He hasn't had a job in a while, he got fired right after her death. And he's been stuck in this dark dark depression where it seems he just can't escape. And now the fact that i'm gone kills him, and i don't know what to do. I'm not sure he understands that's it's not for what I wan't, but for what i need rather, and i was getting bad grades when i was living with him. I'm not blaming him, but like he would ask me for homework and i'd just say no almost every day and never had motivation to do it. I never ate breakfast, sometimes lunch, and then we'd get fast food or i would most likely have something little for dinner like cereal. I mean, it wasn't horrible i guess, but it wasn't a good or healthy environment or situation. Where i live now, i have a guaranteed ride to school everyday, and if anything happened i could walk i live a street away. I live with a straight a student who is a senior and taking college classes 3 days a week to become a nurse. She helps me a lot with understanding my homework, and my grades have gone up a lot. I've also never really gone to the doctor because of our insurance, and it would cost a lot for us apparently? Idk, i grew up with hearing that so when i would get hurt, like a sprain my mom would diagnose it, which she was a cna so i guess she knew what she was talking about, until one time a sprain was actually a break haha. Anyways where i was going with this is that i hardly ever went to the doctor, and i hadn't been to the dentist since 5-6th grade, and i'm a sophomore (10). I'm now going to a doctor and dentist, and i actually need to get braces, but my insurance doesn't cover, and i come from a very low income, so i applied for a grant, hopefully i'll get it. I'm not as depressed as i was, thanks to bc, i take magnesium pills to sleep, I'm getting all my dental work done (more than a couple things done) And i'm eating healthier now. I have toast every morning, a protein shake every morning, my lunch gets packed and i always have dinner. I'm a lot happier where i am, but i don't think my dad really understands that. He believes i don't want to live with him, which i honestly want to really bad i just can't. It's hard having the only family there to help you who can actually help, only be your 2 sisters and sister in law.  My sister in law actually lost her mom 4-5 months before i did, and she currently is 19 or 20. She was her moms caregiver and took care of her for years when she couldn't do it herself. She's helped me a lot with coping with my moms death, but dealing with that, not living with my dad and hardly talking to him, and just everything else going on in my life just sucks.

[silverkitties]

Lorri, I have the utmost sympathy for you. It sounds like you're doing everything you can to heal and improve. I think that's what your mom would want for you too.

 

I can understand your concern about your dad though. Have you thought about calling him regularly to chat? Maybe just a few minutes a day to tell him "I love you Dad." Or what about writing a letter to your dad explaining everything you've explained here--in addition to these chats so that he understands fully? He might feel less lonely and isolated; perhaps it might provide him with the stimulus to keep plugging on. Tell him you're concerned for him too and that you want to him to heal.   Also, maybe have your sister-in-law address your situation to him as well, just so he understands fully.

[HMN2015]

Lori--I'm sorry you lost your mom at such a young age.  I'm 44 and just lost my mom (on the 10th of this month) and it has affected me like you'd not believe.  I believe holding on to all the memories you two created is what will get you through this; at least that's what I keep telling myself.  I can hope you find peace in the coming weeks, months and years.  Don't be afraid to lean on loved ones or reach out for guidance.  Sometimes, talking to a stranger is easier than friends or family.  I've never been part of any sort of forum until now.  I can't say you'll grieve less by coming here but knowing there are others out there experiencing the same loss might be somewhat easier.  Keep your head up and, again, don't be afraid to reach out to people.  I've asked myself why I deserve to lose my mom too.  I mean, she'd give you her last dollar if you needed it.  Even though she was paralyzed from a stroke and unable to do for herself, she was always positive and I hardly ever heard her complain.  Yet, there are people out there who do horrific acts towards others and they are still doing wrong and worse - alive!  I don't know - I wish I could take your pain, as well as mine, and make it disappear.  I wish I could bring both our moms back!  Try and keep your chin up and remember the good times you had with your mom.  

[Lorri]

Lorri, I have the utmost sympathy for you. It sounds like you're doing everything you can to heal and improve. I think that's what your mom would want for you too.

 

I can understand your concern about your dad though. Have you thought about calling him regularly to chat? Maybe just a few minutes a day to tell him "I love you Dad." Or what about writing a letter to your dad explaining everything you've explained here--in addition to these chats so that he understands fully? He might feel less lonely and isolated; perhaps it might provide him with the stimulus to keep plugging on. Tell him you're concerned for him too and that you want to him to heal.   Also, maybe have your sister-in-law address your situation to him as well, just so he understands fully.

Thank you. And i do try and text him every day but i feel like he's upset because all spring break, the lady and her daughter that i live with went to florida, and i was here with the dad. He got mad because i was with their dad and not my own. But it's like he only blames me for not hanging out, when he NEVER asks to, never invites me over, etc. He never replies to my texts, and it makes me mad, but there's so much i can do.

[silverkitties]

You are in a tough situation, Lorri: it's almost like you're in the parent's seat with your dad. As you say, he's depressed; no doubt about having lost your mom and his job. That's a double whammy. Sometimes when adults get pressured, they react by regressing because they feel helpless or lost.

 

Have you considered asking a school counselor for guidance? A "neutral" person may be your best bet esp. if your dad seems to be jealous of--or distrusts--the folks you're with.  S/he may be able to suggest alternatives or even speak to him as this situation probably requires an adult who can explain it to him tactfully: to tell him that it's for your good at least as the circumstances stand and that you need some stability if you are to do well, particularly when you are still in school and grieving for your mom.