My mom passed 3 months ago

[MissAshley]

I'm a 30 year old woman and I lost my mom this past December 28th. She was 57 and died of liver failure due to had Hep C and alcoholic cirrhosis. I have been quite preoccupied with her disease for several years and tried to do anything I knew to do to help her situation. Long story short, she was in a toxic relationship with another bad drinker and she just never really committed herself to leaving that lifestyle behind.  There were times she said she wanted to leave and I offered for her to stay with me so she could improve herself, but I tried not to push her too hard. It just didn't happen. 

 

She knew she was getting worse when her fluid retention had started and her decrease in appetite and weight loss began. I became worried and asked her about everything the doctors were saying. We talked about it some but she insisted that she would be fine and that she "was too mean to die." Somehow that calmed me. I knew she wasn't going to get better if she didn't make changes, but I kept my hopes high, and so did she. I'm not sure how aware she was that it was her last days when I had signed her into a hospice home. I think she wanted to stay positive, and I didn't take that from her, even though the doctors were telling her she only had days to weeks left.

 

It's been almost 3 months, and I thought I would be over the phase of wanting to randomly bust into tears in public, but I'm not. Sometimes I am still trying to process this all. You think you are prepared when there's a long term illness involved, but it's not that easy. We have a way of rationalizing ourselves into a denial and when the time comes to face reality, it's nothing but a nightmare come true. 

 

I find myself feeling cheated by this life. Not just me, but her too. I'm too young to have lost her. She's too young to have lost her life.  She didn't even get to be a grandma. I had to tell her on her death bed that my sister is pregnant, and knowing she'd never get to meet the baby was heartbreaking.

 

I understand that some people think, "Well she continued to drink so it's her own doing." Well, I get that but I also feel like alcoholism is a disease like any other, and quitting is easier said than done. She would have had to change her whole lifestyle and in reality, that was just not going to happen.   She became comfortable with the life she was living, even though it wasn't a healthy one. She was afraid of leaving her boyfriend, her home, and everything else behind. I think back now and I feel like it was always a lost cause, but I don't regret trying to help her. 

 

I guess not everyone is close with their parents, but when you are and you lose one, it's like losing your right arm. I'm just really missing my arm today. 

[Duffy]

I know saying I am sorry seems inadequate. But I don't know what elase to say. You descripted it perfectly, it is like losing your right arm. I lost my mom Jan 22, 15. After a two and 1/2 year battle with breast cancer. She was winning the battle, until Jan 15 when we received the news that is spread to her brain. We thought we had months. We actually were out to lunch and shopping on Monday. Tuesday afternoon, after radiation, she suddenly went from her normal happy self to unable to communate anything but the word "mommy" which she said non-stop for the next 36 hours. I called hospice (she had just been approved for services the day before) and they gave her some medications to give her some rest and comfort, she passed in her sleep Thursady morning. I was with her. I miss my best friend, my mentor, my confidant. It was two months yesterday.

 

I understand your pain. This horrible grief comes in waves. No triggers, you are fine one mine and then the tears come, no triggers, just this feeling of unbearable pain.

 

Hugs to you.

[Never better]

To Duffy, could it have been that maybe you mom was seeing her mom in front of her? They say that people see loved ones as they get closer to the end. I don't know, but it must have been so hard to hear her say that over and over for 38 hours, so sorry.

I'm so sorry to both of you, Miss Ashley I feel the same that I'm missing my right arm, I also feel like I'm missing my heart. My Mom is the most special and most precious person to me. She fought hard and cancer took her about 5 months ago. I can't concentrate, I feel there's no real reason for living or anything to look forward to. She was my family, the rest of my family is emotionally cold and distant, and have always been. My Mom and I were two peas in a pod, always helping and supporting each other emotionally. I would do anything for her, she didn't deserve this (no one does). I know she would would want me to go on and be happy, but I can't feel anything and I don't even know what would make me happy other than seeing her again and hugging her and being with her. I miss my Momma so much. The world is so grey and empty without her. I can do things to take up my time and maybe forget for a little while, then it all comes back to me. She was always there for me, even when no one else cared. You can't replace someone who's irreplaceable. I'm having an extremely hard time right now and feel so alone. Nothing seems to help; therapy, grief groups, I just feel empty after them. I just want to come home and talk to my Mom and tell her about my day, and see her smile. I know she would want that too, she was such a fighter.

I don't know the answer, I wish somebody had one. It seems no one really cares and doesn't seem to care how I'm doing (or just doesn't want to deal with it). I'm learning that people don't like to talk about these things, even ones who've been through it. You would think that in times like these, people would gather around you and want to support you. I have found the opposite, it's quite shocking to me.

I wish you both well and I hope we all figure out how to cope with an unbearable loss.

Big hugs to both of you.

[carolyndiana]

I never could imagine how deep and all encompassing would be the pain of losing my mom. It was a place in my mind I just couldn't go. Or maybe I knew, and just couldn't fully acknowledge it before it happened.

 

My mom was ill for 2 years with cancer and was gradually getting worse. Even when the doctor said her leukemia was progressing, even when I thought maybe she had 2 or 3 months left, I told myself "later... but not yet". So when she got a bad pneumonia and ended up in the last few days of life, confused, no longer eating, and sleeping all the time, I wasn't ready. I hadn't said and done all the things I wanted to say and do, I hadn't asked her enough questions about her life, I hadn't spent the time I could have with her.  

 

What I wouldn't give to turn time back... to a time before she was sick, when she was "always there", when I took for her for granted. Only I wouldn't take her for granted this time... I would create hundreds more of those special moments together that I now miss so much.

 

Our moms become even more beautiful to us when we see their frailty, their declining health, their attempts to cope the best they can, their vulnerability, their grace, their hope. It can create moments of deep connection and compassion.

 

My mom passed away 2 1/2 months ago. My thoughts turn to her constantly. I have put countless hours into writing in a journal, talking about her, looking at photos of her. A couple of days ago I dreamt she was driving towards me to pick me up in her car... I was so happy to see her, she looked younger and she looked healthy... then I realized even in my dream that this wasn't true and I woke up crying.

 

Thank you to all of you for writing here... as soon as I got home today I looked into this site. When I read your posts I was grateful for you for having shared your stories and your feelings. We're all loving our dear moms who were wonderful human beings and did their best in this world.

 

Like you, I will deeply miss my mom forever.  

 

  

 

[MissAshley]

Thank you all for your comforting words and sharing of your own stories. It helps to know that I am not alone in how I feel. I also have dreams about her at least a couple times a week. It's nice to see her in my dreams even though it hurts to realize all over again that she's gone. My mom always wanted me to be happy above all else, but I don't know if she realized how large of a role she played in my overall happiness. 

 

One thing I have found myself consumed with is the desire to know that she's in existence somewhere in heaven. I have always been agnostic in my beliefs. I didn't necessarily believe or disbelieve in God or any kind of an after life. I thought there could be something beyond this life, but I figured I'd never know until I got there (or not) myself. Beyond that, I never thought it about it much. Now, since mom is gone, I need to know she isn't just asleep forever. I need to believe that there's life beyond this one. I can life so much easier if I know she's looking down on me, and that one day I'll see her again. So I'm starting to seek knowledge and faith, which is something I thought I'd never do. Is anyone else in the same boat with me on that?

 

I'm a little conflicted because I have always doubted certain teachings of Christianity, and I don't even know if it's really Christianity what I'm seeking, but more like some spiritual guidance. Evidence that there's really a God, heaven, and that our spirits go somewhere when we die here on Earth. 

[silverkitties]

MissAshley, I have been grappling with this issue myself. I think what's been especially hard for me as an agnostic is a fundamental unwillingness--or at least a reluctance--to believe in the afterlife. Trust me, I've been proselytized by everyone possible across the spectrum, from Catholics, Protestants, Buddhists to atheists: but I've always maintained a belief that the existence of God cannot be proven any more than it can be disproven. As such, it becomes even harder for me to accept my mother's loss; maybe if I believed in something across the rainbow bridge, I could reconcile myself to believing that I'll see her one day. 

 

At times, I really want to believe in something. One of our Buddhist friends, as well as my mom and her sisters (all of whom are actually Catholic), have told us that according to Buddhist lore, the spirits of the dead visit their homes exactly a week after their passing. Interestingly enough, exactly a week later, both of my silver cats ran around the house and into her room which they hadn't done for months: they went and sat on her bed at exactly 11:45 am, the moment of her passing.  They did this again when her ashes were brought home. Then last month, a nightlight turned on in the hallway which I know was not turned on by my dad: I had found it when I returned from shoveling my driveway, longing for the days when my mom would be waiting for me with some soup or hot cocoa.  Since the light is quite difficult to turn on, I somehow doubt it could have been turned on by any of the cats.  Then on the last minute of her birthday, the power flickered throughout the house. 

 

No doubt, there are probably natural causes for all of these incidents. Anyone who has a cat or pet knows that they can go stir crazy. Since the roof leaks occasionally, maybe the nightlight turning on was caused by the water. But part of me really wants to believe that my mom is "visiting." It's kind of funny in a way as my mom and I enjoyed ghost stories and horror (my earliest memories of the TV involve watching Dark Shadows w/ my mom in the afternoons!) even though we didn't believe any of that stuff.

 

Anyway, I do think a lot about the afterlife. Right now, it's hard for me to swallow the Buddhist belief that as souls are reborn and pass into another existence, I may never encounter her again. The Christian sect I come closest to--the Unitarians--don't really seem to believe in consciousness after death or the afterlife.

 

Yet, I do know that whatever the case may be, I want to continue honoring my mother: keeping her memory alive, doing and finishing all the things she's always wanted me to do, and practicing all the lessons she's taught me over the years.

 

[Never better]

"My mom always wanted me to be happy above all else, but I don't know if she realized how large of a role she played in my overall happiness".

I really can't agree with this quote enough. It's so poignant, and rings so true for me as well. Sharing what's going on in my life and knowing my Mom understands fully, and listening to her and what makes her happy and seeing her smile, it's what makes life feel normal to me. I know she was truly in my corner, and I in hers. I don't have a ton of friends but a few who are supportive, which helps, but I don't want to feel like I'm overburdening them with my pain, I know it's alot, and I already feel I am doing that. I never felt that with my Mom, we always could talk about heavy things then go have a hug and talk about something positive after. We both felt better because we knew we cared about each other so much, and it would be alright because we were there for each other no matter what. I know she's still there for me, she didn't want (obviously) in the least bit for this to happen, I never even thought this would happen because like you as well CarolynDiana, I knew on some deep level how hard it would be for me that I couldn't even let my brain go there, ever. I honestly never thought it would happen, which is naive, but deep down is true. I also which I could go back to before she was sick and spend even more time with her and do more things together, I honestly never thought there would be a time limit. I guess I thought since I would never leave her she would never leave me, I didn't even think about the obvious laws of nature or about God's plan.

I also have dreams with my Mom in them just about every night, MissAshley. She's healthy in them, and we're usually doing regular kind of stuff in them. I've also been having dreams with her parents (my grandparents) in the dreams with us; I haven't had a dream with them in it as they've been long gone decades ago. Your dream Miss Ashley is more direct, it seems like it's almost like she was calling you to come be with her. I would Iike to have a dream like that one. When I have dreams with my Mom it's more circumstantial, with nothing directly relating to what has happened (I only had one like that, and it was her and I crying uncontrolably and hysterically, and me telling her please don't leave me, and her saying she didn't want to, and thanking me for everything I was doing and I love you). Even though she said that in the dream, it was very hard because she was dying in my dream and I couldn't do anything to save her, just like the last day with her at the hospital, though in the dream she was at home and it was just me and her. It felt like a nightmare and I too woke up crying). I wake up crying everday now, it's really getting worse everyday.

I too would like to find some spirituality (I don't really like organized religions and logically feel the same way you do MissAshley, about not being able to prove or disprove things). I'm open, either way. I'd love to find or see a sign. I've asked God and my Momma when I visit her where she is now, but nothing's happened. I've been praying for help, but don't seem to find any relief. I'd also like to believe that there's really something out there because it would make me feel so much better as well to know that my dear Momma is safe and watching over me and protecting me, and still with me. I also really want to be able to see her again, I want to know she's ok. People say she's in a better place and not in any pain, I'd really like to know she's in a better place, so I can be happy for her. Anything short of some sign (not someone trying to convince me), would make me believe that. I wish I could see some sign like other people have, or at least something in a dream. This alternate reality (what it feels like) without her is killing me. I don't really know what religion would appeal to me to try, as I don't really follow the ways of the one I was raised up in. I just don't know if anything's right. I'd like to search to find one. I think people who are religious find peace because they believe in their hearts that there is without a doubt something out there. I wonder if they truly do believe that and how they came to believe it (did you feel something, did something happen that made feel it was true, or were you just raised that way and never think or want to question it?).

Sorry, don't want to hijack your thread MissAshley, no one seems to be responding to mine anymore, anyway, which makes me sad. I do have a lot of the same questions you do too as well, maybe we can tell each other if we find any progress on the age old question of is there something else really out there, and if anything stirs our soul.

I hope you do find something! Even though I am unsure of what is really out there (and who could really know to the fact or the contrary, is pretty much my argument too), I still pray :-) I'll send up a prayer to wherever it goes, that you find an answer to what you're looking for. I truly hope you do in your life :-)