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loss of mom


scrappy dappy doo

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scrappy dappy doo

I am looking for advice. I lost my mom over two years ago and I am still having a lot of trouble dealing with it. I have went to therapy in the past to get help, my diagnosis is complicated grief coupled with ptsd. I have nightmares every time I go to sleep, really vivid ones. I want to know how to get them to stop, I feel like they're driving me crazy, I almost refuse to go to sleep. Still to this day I can't even think of my mom without breaking out in tears, which I do a lot. Any advice?

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Never better

I posted this to another person who is having horrible nightmares, I too have been suffering from them. It's only been a couple months in my case after not having my wonderful most beautiful Mother here with me (though it feels like more than a lifetime). I am so sorry you're still experiencing them after 2 years. I really feel for you, and I understand.

I have found recent relief with EMDR, a relatively very simple therapy (used a lot with survivors of PTSD) that takes your traumatic events from your uncousious (right brain) and transfers them to the left brain, where they're not as vivid and immediately painful. I had tried this method of therapy in the past with little success, but have recently found a counselor who does it and it has helped tremendously with my horribly disturbing nightmares. I still have huge issues sleeping, but I've found that my nightmares aren't as frequent and definitely not as vivid and so disturbing. I hope that lasts. It has for the past month and a half or so, which is very promising. Not being able to find relief even when you're trying to sleep at night is a horrible feeling, especially when it's such a struggle just getting through everyday.

If you want to email me I can tell you more about it, or just if you want to talk. I really feel for you. I understand where you're coming from.

I'm glad you're here trying to reach out, you're not alone. I hope you can find relief soon.

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scrappy dappy doo

What you said actually makes sense to me, I am left handed so I think with the right side. I have tried to get some help previously but in my opinion it just doesnt help. I can talk abput my feelings until I'm blue in the face but I feel I need some sort of exercises or relaxing techniques to help, the therapists didn't do that.

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Never better

It's actually not so much talk therapy at all. You hold 2 sensors, one in the left hand and one in the right, they vibrate back and forth to varying degrees. You are asked (at least in my experience) to think of a particularly traumatic memory or event, and observe the situation as an outsider (almost like on a train, where the memory is passing by and you're a safe distance away from it, detached, not actually experiencing it in the moment. Just passively observing). You are then instructed to stay in that moment and say whatever this memory is bringing up in you by verbalizing it. You stay with it for a few minutes feeling that feeling (which can be hard), while the sensors vibrate from your left hemisphere to your right, hopefully transferring over the traumatic experience over to your right brain, where's memories in your mind that aren't as powerful are stored (the left brain deals in logic, the right stores all strong memories, including the bad and the good ones). This process has helped me with my nightmares, they were so terrible and frightening, I was waking up to a nightmare that I was already having trouble dealing with and getting through. I have now found those memories are not coming up in my dreams, which is relief I desperately need because I currently feel like my nerves are on the outside of my skin and I'm so exposed and raw. If you can get to someone who does it make sure they're very experienced with it. I do think it can work for you, it has worked for me. I'm grateful for that.

CBT therapy is also a good way to process your feelings. It's not traditional talk therapy- the counselor actually gives you workable skills and tools to reasses the way you're thinking, and reframe your old thought patterns and see things from a new light and different perspective. It's the actual tools they give you and the repeated exposure to seeing that there is another way to experience a situation. Our perception of reality is subjective, our brain's are malleable and are consistently changing. CBT lets you know that the thoughts you consistently think make strong connections in the synapses in your brain, therefore the more you are habitualized to think certain thoughts, the more your brain will naturally choose those type of thoughts automatically, because that's what you've trained your brain to do with these repetitive thought patterns. It can be very helpful, it's not the end all be all, but it gives you actual tools to work on changing things, not just talk about how awful things are and how you wish you could change them (which they are in this situation, I only made that previous statement in reference as to how CBT works, not this actual grief we're all going through on here). This of course is a horrible situation (we're all in) and no one thing is going to be the answer to everything- we have suffered the biggest loss of our life and that is an inexplicable journey and thing to go through. Who knows what's on the other side.

I'm not a pyschologist and am not trying to push specific ideas, this has just been 2 things that have really helped give me some relief in the past month and a half. I really need some relief, since I haven't gotten it from the rest of my family and most people don't really want to talk about this.

You may find it helps. If you do try it I hope it does. What have you got to lose, really? Sleeping better is a relief you desperately need. I can't imagine that going on for 2 years. Man, I really empathize with you.

I really suggest trying EMDR as a first step. There is also a book on the techniques of CBT therapy, if you're not looking or ready to talk to a counselor (it can be hard and draining, especially if you've had bad experiences in the past. I have as well). It's called "The Feeling Good Handbook". The name is hokey and I definitely don't recommend it for dealing with grief, but just mention it because you said that talk therapy didn't work and wasn't any help to you. Just want to let you know there are other approaches than just convential talk therapy, which I do agree can run you into the ground if it's not going anywhere (why not just talk to a friend about your problems and not pay some stranger to do it, right?).

This is the pdf for the CBT book, it's not geared specific to what we're all experiencing now, but illustrates the way that CBT therapy works. It's a free pdf so you can look at it and see if it might be something that you might feel would be helpful to you. http://faculty.fortlewis.edu/burke_b/personality/readings/Burns.pdf

We all need all the help we can get! I know I do, it's more than a struggle everday. I hope you do get better. Wishing you some good sleep, very soon :-)

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