One Year Later...

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Hey. What's up. It's Kirbiboh. You may have read some of my posts on here from last year. Just wanted to provide a small update to how I'm doing after the fact. I haven't been on this site in a long time, but I suppose I should at least try and attempt some sort of helping of others in similar situations as my own.

 

It's been just over a year since my dad passed away. It wasn't fair then, and it isn't fair now. He died because of a brain aneurysm. It wasn't my fault. I blamed myself for a long time. Sometimes, I still blame myself, but I know it's not my fault. It was going to happen eventually, it just happened to happen when I was 25.

 

I still cry. But it's okay. No one ever said going through something like this was ever going to be easy. No one ever said it wouldn't be an influx of emotions. I know it won't always feel this bad when I think about him. I know one day the pain will be replaced with good thoughts. But that day hasn't come yet. I wish it would.

 

A lot has changed for me after it happened. I'm definitely no where near the same person I was. Yes, I still have a fear of most social situations, considering I lived alone with my dad for years and basically became a reclusive hermit who never wished to venture out into the world or grow up. But I had to grow up. I force myself to. I used to have a hard time looking people in the eye. Social anxiety and whatnot. But it's better now.

 

I've been traveling the country. Heck, I've been traveling the world. I went on a road trip from California (my home state) all the way to New York. Looking for something. I don't know what. I'm still looking for it. Maybe some sort of peace? Maybe some sort of substitute for my father? I know nothing will ever replace him. It just sucks to know that nothing I ever do will be able to make me feel the same way that he made me feel.

 

I have to make the most of what I have left. And it isn't much. My mom urges me to come home almost every single day. I don't want to. Why would I wish to return to the same house where it happened? I rather be anywhere but there, and thus, I haven't returned home ever since I left last April. The day of reckoning is upon me, though. I have to go back, and it isn't going to be fun. I don't want to, I never want to. But it's time.

 

I miss a lot of the nice people I've met on this site. I'm not even sure if any of them still come on here. We all had different backgrounds, but we all shared the same sort of pain and loss, which brought us together. I hope one day I'll see them again, but no one really knows what the future may hold.

 

The End.

 

[cindyjane]

Hi Kirbiizzle

 

Nice of you to come back here and let us know how you're doing.  Good for you on doing some travelling and it's great to see that you have come out of your shell and that the social anxiety has gotten better.  Healing from such a loss takes time and I like that you were able to do some travelling and see different places and different people.  

 

I imagine going back home will stir up some tough feelings but it's always better to face our feelings head on because then we don't have to fear what they might be.....we just feel them if that makes any sense.

 

It's been over a year since I've lost my mom and 6 months since losing my dad and I am still going through a lot of feelings around the loss of both of them but it really is getting better slowly but surely.  I am having more moments of happy feelings when I think of them.  I think that is because the biggest and strongest feeling I have when I think of them is that of being GRATEFUL.  Grateful to have had such good and loving parents.  Now that is something to be thankful for.

 

I don't believe that we get over it when we experience such a loss but we do get on with it and it sounds like you're doing just that!  Keep up the good work and thanks again for being in touch here.

 

Cindy Jane