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So it's going on 8 years mom, the grief is still palpable.  As I sit here with tears streaming down my face I wonder what it would be like to have you around.  I could tell you everything going on in my life and you would actually listen.  You would meet your grand-kids and you would be so proud, they are growing up so fast.  There's all kinds of questions I have for you that will never be answered.  In a way, what you did was incredibly selfish.  You robbed me out of growing old with you.  But as I get older, I understand now.  I understand that your life was very difficult and you needed a way out.  "There ain't no easy way out," Tom Petty says, and for damned sure he is correct.  You had a son before me that died, you got addicted to pain pills to numb the reality of it.  That's not even the tip of the iceberg of what you had to endure.  Then I came along.  

 

Well, after 28 years on this earth, 8 without you, I have finally forgiven you.  Has it really been 8 years?  I miss you mom.  You were my rock, one person on this planet that would listen to my problems, one person I could always count on....  I feel so alone.  Dad is still here.  He is great, takes the kids most weekends, works to the bone every day.  But it's not the same.  I approach him and he says,"what is there to be depressed about?  why?  I don't understand."  You did mom.  You understood it better than anyone.  

 

This world will beat you down and then steal your very breath away.  I think you would be proud of the man I became, I just wish you could see.  Just one more minute, mom.  I was going through some old pictures and came across an old cell phone.  I got it working and found a voice message from you!  I can still hear your voice, it's great, the one last semblance of your presence that pictures cannot portray.  It's a very sad message, two days before you OD'd.  You were asking me to call you as it was very important.  I meant to call you back!  I was a selfish prick absorbed in my own mind then.  Oh how I regret not calling you mother, just that one last time.  Maybe we could have saved each other.

mom.wav

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Thank you for sharing this. I'm in awe, really, of you. If she could be here, I'd bet she would be proud of the man you've become.

 

We will be here for you. 

 

ModKonnie

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Thank you for your kind words; I appreciate them.  I'm in a better place today.  It seems to come all at once sometimes, even 8 years later.  One of my good friends passed away a few days ago, and I started thinking of my mom.  I felt a little overwhelmed yesterday, and I am glad I found this site for an outlet.  Thank you again.

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carolann12345

Your Mom would be proud of you that goes without saying.  Never be afraid or ashamed to cry about those you love in doing so you show you care.  There are always issues you re-examine when loved ones have died if only we all had the gift of hindsight before they passed over I am sure we would all feel better at getting the chance to do things for them or says things to them  but sadly we don't.  I lost my Dad 41 years ago at the age of 17 and my Mom died two years ago and there is not a day that goes past that I don't think of either of them and I sometimes cry that I cannot see them to talk to.  Then I think of all the good times we had together and feel happier that I had such terrific parents who loved me that is what you need to focus on now  - the good memories that you made together your Mom and you. No one can take those away from you.  Please live your life to the full as that is what your Mom would want you to do and remember your Mom loved you and always will.Take care.

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