Devastated at losing my little sister

[Angelpur]

10 days ago I received a call at work to say my 22yr old sister had died. I'm 30 and my whole life I have loved and adored her, and almost had a maternal instinct towards her. We were so, so close and would phone each other every day.

She died due to a tragic series of events which led to carbon monoxide poisoning. She didn't realise what was happening to her which is the ONLY thing of comfort to us.

I've never experienced grief before and I'm so, so scared about the future. How on earth am I supposed to continue without her? I've been robbed of a future with her. She was the youngest of the family and we all doted on her. There is this huge hole and the black cloud every morning when I wake up is unbearable.

I'm still in shock/denial I think. I spend hours crying and then hours feeling numb.

I know it's only been 10 days but I don't know how anyone copes with this. All I want to do is rewind time and save her. I've always been able to fix problems but death is so horrifically final; there is just no way to fix this and no one can do anything to help me because despite the flowers and cards and gifts and support (which will all tail off) the ONE THING I WANT AND CAN HELP ME is to have my beloved, kindhearted little sister back. And no one can give me that. X

[ModKonnie]

Angelpur,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your sister. Exactly what happened (if you can talk about it)? It does get better, I can tell you, honestly. I lost a brother, and it was horrible at first, but then became bearable. It's okay to keep loving her, and remember her and missing her. 

 

What kind of person was she? Her favorite things? Habits? Likes? 

 

We will be here for you,

 

ModKonnie

[Angelpur]

Hi ModKonnie

Thank you for replying.

Francesca had just moved to Chengdu in China on a 15 month teaching placement. For a month she was living happily in an apartment with another trainee teacher, but then she had to move due to her flatmate getting fired. 4 days before she died she moved in with another girl. The boiler was temperamental and the other girl had a system of how to use it if you wanted hot water for a shower: put the kitchen tap on full blast (this would activate the boiler) take your shower and then turn the tap off afterwards. Francesca hadn't even unpacked her suitcase. She went to bed. The other girl took an evening shower but forgot to turn the kitchen tap off. This over-activated the boiler and it started releasing carbon monoxide. By the morning the flat was filled with poisonous gas. Both girls came out of their rooms at varying times, then went back and collapsed on their beds. Francesca died because her room was smaller, closer, and she probably didn't close her bedroom door once she went back to lie down. The other girl fell unconscious and spent a week in intensive care, but survived.

Until she went to University Francesca had been an extremely timid girl who wasn't even confident using London transport by herself (despite living here in London her whole life). We were all SO PROUD when she achieved her degree and made the brave decision to do a teaching placement in China. We feel SO robbed and cheated- and that it is so cruel on her- that life was snatched away just as she was finally making a go of things.

Due to our age difference (I am 8 years older) I was not only a big sister to her but had a maternal instinct as well. For all of her 22 years I have loved her, cared for her, helped her and appreciated her deeply. I have no regrets with our relationship- we couldn't possibly have been closer. She is the ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD I can be entirely myself around. She was my best friend. This makes the loss so much harder to bear. It's incomprehensible that the most precious part of my life has gone.

Francesca liked writing stories (Angelpur was the name she used on FanFiction sites which is why I've chosen it). She was very innocent and kindhearted. She always accepted people. Never had an agenda. She was the youngest and treasured by our family.

I'm 19 days into this nightmare and cry all the time. The loss I feel is IMMENSE. Waking up every morning and having this enormous weight on my heart, mind and soul is unbearable. I can't ever imagine waking up happy again. I've always been a positive, optimistic person but that's because I was always grateful for my family being alive and healthy. Other problems could be fixed- and as long as my mum, dad, brother and sister were ok that was all that mattered. I can't believe I can't say that anymore. I can't fix this problem. I can't put a positive spin on it.

I honestly don't know how people get through grief. I don't want to accept it. I just want her back. It's impossible.

X

[ibarnard]

I lost my sister tragically too.  if you ever want to talk reach out to me.

[Chiara]

Hello Angelpur

Sorry to hear about your loss. Death of a loved one especially a sibling is one of the most surreal and painful experience ever.

I can't say I know exactly what you are going through, but can appreciate how painful the bereavement process is. I have found based on my own personal experience that it can be isolating. I have found that some family members and friends also feel at a loss and do not know what to say or do; so people at times choose to stay away/or say nothing in relation to the loss when it might not be the right thing.

The best thing I could have ever done following the recent loss of my little sister, was to take onboard my GP.'s advice. She advised me to surround myself with people as much as possible. My preference would have been to hide away, but by forcing myself to be with friends even when feeling so much hurt; I have found a little bit of solace each time.

I searched for this forum so that I could feel a sense of connection to people, who might share somewhat of a similar experience as mine. I felt very connected to your story and thought it was important to reach out.

My little sister passed away this past January and it is the most extraordinary and painful loss ever, which I will never be able to articulate well to others.

I do hope that each day brings you a little bit of peace. Also should you wish to reach out, please do feel free to contact me

[Angelpur]

Hi Chiara,

I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your little sister too.

I'm lucky enough to have a lot of friends in my life and I basically have them on a rotation system at the moment so that I'm never on my own for too long. I completely agree with what you said about surrounding yourself with people. Even though when I'm with a friend I'm still just thinking about my sister the whole time and wishing she was here, at least I have someone to talk to about it and I'm calmer.

It was the 1 month anniversary on Tuesday and I couldn't go to work. I spent the whole day looking at photos of Francesca and calling her voicemail. On Wednesday I went back to work and it was okaaay. I got through it anyway. Today I saw a counsellor but I didn't find it that helpful- it was strange talking about things to someone who doesn't know me/my family/ Chessie. I know she wasn't genuinely interested and was just sitting there listening because she's paid to do it. I might try group therapy instead because all I want to do is talk to people who have gone/are going through the same thing.

Of course nothing will bring my sister back, and I suppose I'm just filling the time until I eventually accept that terrifying fact. I don't know the circumstances of your sisters passing (feel free to private message if you wish to share) but for us it was completely unexpected, so I'm pretty sure I'm still in the early stages of processing what's happened. It definitely hasn't sunk in and I keep feeling like I've had enough of this now and I want my life to go back to normal. And then I remember that it can't.

Thank you for your message xx