Mother gone 12 years...just now reaching out

[aakelly927]

I don't really know the purpose of this post.  My mom passed away in March of 2003 when I was barely 15 years old.  I had been living with my paternal grandparents part-time for 7 years when she passed.  My siblings weren't as lucky, and had been full-time with her when she died at 39 years old due to a heart attack.  My mom and dad were never married and split when I was approximately 2 years old.  I lived with my mom through various boyfriends and the births of my brother and sister.  My mom wasn't consistently sending me to school because of the demands of being practically a single mother to 3 kids, so my grandma and grandpa offered to take me in and send me to a suburban school during the week and then gave me the ability to visit my mom and siblings on the weekends. 

 

I was 11 years old when I realized that my mom had a problem.  I could tell that the smoke coming from the bathroom wasn't cigarette smoke.  I knew she had problems with depression when she called my maternal grandmother while I was staying there for the weekend, crying and asking where she was because she had taken one too many pills.  Now that I'm older, I know that she sufferered from clinical depression, as disaplyed by when she stood there and asked the 14 year old me if I "actually love her, or if I just say it because I'm supposed to".  I didn't know what to think when my uncle and maternal grandmother showed up at my paternal grandma's house late in the evening on a Tuesday to tell me that my mom was dead.  I remember being on AOL chat with my friends.  I remember initially smiling at my grandma and uncle.  Then that smile disappeared as I realized that they wouldn't be there if my mom was just in rehab again.  I remember the crushing pain in my chest, and the inability to breath.  I remember thinking of my siblings, and how they were much worse off than I was.  I never asked, but I always wondered " Was this on purpose? Did she finally complete what she wanted to do?"  The toxicology report didn't state anything out of the ordinary.  She had taken the equivalent of two pills.  For me, this is the hard part.  I wish they had found a bunch of stuff, or nothing at all.  I want to know how much was premeditated.  My mom had been hospitalized or in rehab at least 3 times that I knew of.  But just two pills?  I don't know.  She had been talking to my uncle before she died.  He was a recently discovered alcoholic, and they were supposed to get lunch together.  He knew something was wrong when he showed up and my mom wasn't answering the door. 

 

I'll never get the answer that I'm looking for.  I understand that now.  I don't really know why I'm posting here.  I like the tv show "Intervention", and I also enjoy drinking a few glasses of wine.  While doing both of these tonight, I realized that I've never really talked to anybody about this.  While I love the grandmother that practically raised me, she is a pretty cold person.  I never went to counseling.  We never talked about my mom, other than my grandma saying negative things about how she couldn't believe she would do something like this to me.  A few months after my mom died, I suffered from migraines.  When we went to the doctor, he asked me if I had been under any stress lately.  My grandma said "Stress?  15 year olds don't have stress.".  This gives some insight into the type of person she was/is.  I know I'm adult and obviously old enough to talk to my own therapist if I need to, but I feel like there's nothing that they can tell me that I don't already know.  I'm a productive member of society.  I work with children with special needs, have my bachelor's degree, and am married to a man that I love dearly.  I hope to start my own family within the next year.  I guess this post is just something cathartic for me and to maybe meet some other who have felt the same feelings as me.  Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

[ibarnard]

This is so tragic.  It sounds like you suffered terribly and I am so sorry.  I hope and pray the future is brighter.  I too have suffered so much loss.