Hours away from the 1 week mark of my dad's passing.

[kaynas]

Hello all! I am 21 years old, married, and have 1 child. My father's kidneys failed for unknown reasons in 2005 at the YOUNG age of 30. Since then his health has slowly declined. Dialysis treatments 3 times per week over the past 9 1/2 years weakened his entire body. Countless hospital stays from pneumonia, pancreas attacks, gall bladder and appendix attacks, a full knee replacement, etc. 2 years ago my dad had his first heart attack, it was mild, but it showed us how hard dialysis was on his body. Last year, 2014, my dad had over 4 hospital stays, 2-5 weeks at a time.. In November we honestly didn't think he was going to pull through, his heart was terribly weak and it was causing extremely low blood pressures. When we brought him in it was 56/33, normal being 120/80. He seemed better after a few weeks, we had a nice Thanksgiving and Christmas. During all of the holidays we found out my 39 year old mother has cervical cancer and needed a hysterectomy. Tuesday, February 3,2015 I spent the entire day with my father while my mom was in surgery and recovery. Tuesday night I talked to him on the way home from the hospital. Wednesday morning my grandma called panicking because he wasn't breathing. I assumed he was snoring and caught his breath and was just shallowly breathing, so I sped to his house (12 minutes away) the EMT's expressed how sorry they were once I arrived, and I broke down. I didn't believe them. I walked into my parents room and shook his hand, hoping he would wake up. I felt his chest and stomach to see if he was breathing. He wasn't. My world was upside down. My mother was still in the hospital and my 5 year old sister was asleep. I drove to the hospital 1.5 hours away to tell my mom, and that was the HARDEST thing I have ever done!

In less than 2 hours it will be one week since my father, 40 years and 1 week old, passed away. I feel saddened, angered, relieved, and distraught all at the same time. He has been in pain, pain most of us will never know, for years. He was 40 with the body of a 60+ year old. He was very strong in his faith and never blamed God for him being so sick. He loved us dearly, more than life itself. I don't know what to do. I don't know when it will get easier. I don't know how to act around family and friends. I don't know how to make the pain go away. I can't sleep. I can't focus. And more than anything else I can't hear his voice in my head anymore. Its only been 1 week and I cannot remember the way his voice sounds, and that hurts more than anything!

[cindyjane]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I think what you are feeling right now is quite normal.  Losing my parents was the hardest thing I ever went through.  

 

Your dad sounds like such a strong man with all that he went through with his health.  I was so happy to read that your dad was a man of faith.  I am sure that is where he got his strength from.  

 

I would suggest that you go with the feelings.  Feelings are neither right or wrong ... they just are.

 

Take care and the hurt will lighten in time but I don't think we will ever stop loving and missing our parent(s) who left us.  

 

hugs

Cindy Jane