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Losing the love of my life isn't the start of new year I wanted


Legacy

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My fiancé was killed in an accident on January 6th.

The only word I can think of to describe what I am going through is confusion. I understand it has only been 2 weeks and being a very logical person I understand everything people are saying to me. That I need time, I need to not hold anything in, I need to find things to do and continue on with my life or the sadness will consume me.

But my heart is winning the battle.

Our relationship was not picture perfect, and far from being simple. The only thing that we were completely sure of was our love for each other. For the first time I was fearless, he gave me hope that whatever I wanted in life was possible. I've always had a goal and within 3 years we were together I gained direction towards that goal, too. He made me feel like the most beautiful, cherished girl on the face of the earth. I never knew where I belonged but he made me feel like I can always have somewhere to run to when life gets too tough. I've never felt alone even when we were apart.

But now... Where do I start? I've given up hope on a future, I can't see an end or beginning for that matter. What we had was so special that I can't fathom having another relationship. I shared every single detail of my life with him and whether or not he liked what I had to say or the choices I made, he made it a mission to support me no matter what. It was intimate on a level that I feel like a large part of me died with him in that accident. What is left is slowly withering away no matter how hard I try to stop it from happening.

When I met him, he was at a low point in his life. He was broken, and so was I. I wanted to fix him, and slowly I did. He started working again, bought his own truck last year and finally he was getting all that he deserved in life. He had to hire a partner to take the job...he was sleeping when the accident happened. My mind won't allow me to venture any deeper into that night. I wanted to find someone to blame because if he was driving, this wouldn't have happened. He was always so careful. 

For a few days I cried, I avoided life in general because I haven't lived a day without talking to him for 3 years. I look at my phone every time it rings only to find someone else's name. People tell me that's normal. But is it normal to find comfort and solice in the thought of taking my own life. My little sister doesn't understand any of this but she told me "don't be stupid. don't kill yourself." and any normal person would care and not want anyone to go through what I'm going through. But I don't care. People remind me that he was out there working because he wanted to make a better life for us. He pushed me to finish school so I could find security in myself. For a while that pushed me. And now that's completely gone.

I'm sitting in our apartment packing up the only place where I truly understood the meaning of "home". There is no closure, no comfort thought in knowing he's watching over me. I just want to be done with everything. I've never been close to my parents, not close enough to be able to talk to them about this. The only thing I've received is 2 days of peace and then annoyance because they don't approve of my "mopping".

He was my anchor. And we gave each other purpose in life. Now I'm struggling to find purpose to wake up. How do you move on from that? How do you live without a purpose, could you even call that living? So many things I want to say, just to get it out of my system and it's just a huge mess in my head and I don't know how to deal with it. This loneliness will eventually rip me apart. I don't regret a moment I spent with him. Even the arguments. Yet I want to forget so I don't disappoint him by not living a long good life. I don't want to forget, but at the same time I can't live with these memories. I'm torn between extreme opposites and it just seems like there is nowhere to go but make where I am now as a final stop in life. 

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My husband has been gone almost 2 years, tomorrow is his birthday, his second to spend in heaven. After he died, I spent every day trying to figure out how to kill myself and make it look like an accident. It was a battle to get out of bed, and I, like you, had no purpose, I still am unsure of my purpose. Funny thing is when I was with him I never thought about purpose. Every day everything was really a battle, whether to eat, take a bath, brush my teeth, believe me in time that does get better. After two years some days (not many) are still a battle.

Most of the last week I have spent crying, I have a new man in my life and am going to marry him on June 20th but still I grieve for my husband. Now days I do pretty good until a special date comes up, thankfully my fiancée is very understanding and holds me as I cry.

I tell you all this to say, yes, you can move on from this, it will be the hardest thing you have ever done. I went to counseling for a year. I struggled every day for about 15 months, I think for many years to come I will have BAD days, in time you will find you are having a few good days, then maybe a good week and so on. Hope in some way this helps.

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Tryingtohavehope

My bf also died on January 6 but last year! I can tell you everything you just typed is exactly how I used to feel! Stay on this site and express how you feel and the people on here can help you through it! If you would like someone to talk to message me and I will give you a screen name or my number and we can text! Im not going to lie it's hard and completely overwhelming and you have no idea how youre going to make it through! Even at a little over a year I pretty much cry everyday but I believe he's still with me so that helps some! He visited me in a dream last night and I woke up happy then quickly realized he's not here anymore and I started to cry! To be honest for me it prob wasnt until 6 months into it that I started smiling again! I still feel super guilty if I smile or laugh because I just want to call him or text him and tell him everything! I cry almost every night wishing Id get that goodnight beautiful text before Id fall asleep! Not how I thought Id be spending my life!!! :( So Im sorry for your loss and like I send if youd like to talk just send me a message!

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My fiance passed away suddenly in his sleep; we still don't know what happened.  This isn't how I wanted to start the new year.  This isn't what I wanted for my life.  And it is so much worse that not only to have lost our loves but the bright happy future and the dreams and plans that we had together. It feels like nothing matters and I am so sorry and angry at your parents for bringing you more pain instead of comfort; shame on them!  You deserve a safe space.  You deserve purpose.  You deserve peace.

 

I can't tell you that you will get through this time of pain and loss because I'm still in that place myself.  But I hope there are moments of peace and moments of comfort in your heart.  I know that my Joshua loved my smile, my silliness.  I try to remember the things he loved about me and try to be that way.  It is hard and most of the time I cry and fail miserably.  But there are times I can crack a smile or laugh and I know how happy it would make him.  That is my only purpose now, to honor him and the things he loved.

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My husband died on the 3 January 2015, he was sick but the possibility that he would die was never anything we even imagined, I have 2 small children 3 and 6 and they seem to be okay, but I have this nagging feeling that even though I am so young I will never find the kind of love I had with him. My life is good, the Lord Jesus has comforted me so much and my family has been amazing. How do you carry on though, without thoughts of him invading every minute, and not being able to go through an hour without tears?

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It's been close to 3 months since Don passed, and nearly as much since I wrote here.

I've gotten a job to basically just take up most of my day. I've been writing a lot. And for a few weeks there I thought I was getting better. I can come home feeling joyful because I've accomplished something that he would be proud of and I can finally smile looking at our picture together without drowning in pain. I find myself constantly occupying my time with gaming, movies, shows... Anything to keep myself busy. But when there are moments of silence in my head I find myself unable to handle the fact of how lonely and empty I am without him.

 

I've become vain towards life. I find myself lost in memories of us when I see things or people that remind me of him, of us. Which is really everything. It's so terrifying how I never noticed how much I needed him till now. I still have the urge to pick up my phone to give him a call or text telling him I miss him. Only to realize that I will never again get one of his "i'll be home soon baby" replies. On days where I find myself wondering whether or not he would be proud of me for continuing school and being independent, I also wonder why I bother to keep going because when I get to where he would want me to be, he won't be there.

 

For days now, all I want to do is cry. Just forget the world and responsibilies and cry. I caught myself thinking about if I could ever be in love again. And no matter how I twist reality in my head, I can't see myself ever loving someone else the same way I love Don. Will that ever be fair to the next guy? Yet I crave the kind of love and companionship Don gave me. The kind of unconditonal love that he was so good at giving. He was the person who handled all the emotions in our relationship and now without him, I don't know how to deal with floods of guilt, sadness, and this lonely void. There are days when I'm okay and I can be me knowing he's right here with me. And then there are days where I feel like I am watching myself mechanically drifting through the day from someone else's eyes.

 

Right now I can only say there is no "better" when it comes to grieving the loss of your other half. There are good days and there are bad days. I guess with time, the good days will outnumber bad days. But when one of these bad days hit, I now realize I have to prepare for the worst. This is the cost of loving another person with everything you've got. I question my sanity when I decided to love him this way but at least there is one thing I don't have to deal with now, and that is the regret of not giving him all of me in the process of loving him. That is something that could help hold me together in the days to come: I am in pieces because I put myself in his hands. It wasn't his choice to have dropped me but without him I am no longer the person I used to be.

 

I wish every person in similar position to find peace and joy in the littlest things. Just that mental image of their smile can keep you moving forward for one more day. Moving forward doesn't mean forgetting. Don't be afraid to move forward, and don't worry, you can't forget that kind of love. I want to be living proof that our love existed, if you find yourself not wanting to keep going, please remember that you are the legacy of his(her) love.

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I hear so much of myself in your words, apart from being busy and moving forward. That I am fighting with every bit of energy I have left. I lost my boyfriend of 4 years on 18th Dec 2014 and these last 13 weeks have been the most horrific experience, so much so that I wonder if I will ever make it out of this alive....and would I even want to!

What you said about this pain we're suffering being the price we pay for loving them so much is bang on. And I wish I had thought of that when we were happy. All my single friends are always striving to find The One and settle down into what was meant to be, but nobody ever thinks of 'ok, now I've found you, and we're happy, what will I do if you die, WHEN you die' because it is going to happen one day. For every happy relationship that's forever, one half of it will be left desolate, heartbroken, and lost one day. Our lives are so intertwined in each other's when you're a partnership that you don't just lose them and your future, you lose yourself too. That is what I've found, I have lost myself. I don't know who I am or who I want to be without my boyfriend by my side. And at the same time I don't want to be anything, all I want is to join him. I still feel that way now 13 weeks after he left. I feel I'm simply existing and waiting til it's my time, and I hope to god that time is soon. I'm only 34 so realistically I could have another few decades left on this miserable Earth, the thought of that makes me suffer even more.

I'm the kind of griever that doesn't want to be distracted from the pain or the memories, I don't like being busy and not thinking of him 24/7 in the forefront of my mind. I started back at work last week which was very tough, even though I'm still thinking of him every second, when I'm concentrating on work he isn't the main focus anymore and is pushed to the back of my mind which I hate. I want him to be my focus. Everytime I'm distracted by my job that's me losing him again. Leaving him behind, being separated more and more. That's why I fight 'moving forward' and everytime someone says it to me I want to scream 'but I don't want to, I want to stay here in the past with dean' I don't want my life without him, it's meaningless and pointless. Without love I have nothing that matters, love makes the world go round right? So how can it keep turning for those of us who have had love torn away from them?

You've done very well and should be proud, I wish I had the motivation to carry on living and experiencing life and living it for the both of us as well, but I really can't at the minute. I just want to be with the one I love, not here miserably plodding on with no happiness or meaning anymore.

It's a tough old journey this grief trail and warmest regards to all of you making your way along it.

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I can feel your pain. I find peace and relief in knowing that if the pain and sadness ever gets too much, I always have the choice of leaving all of this behind. I don't have to keep going. But I'm doing it for Donny. He gave up a lot and was even willing to wait because he valued my education that much. He pushed me to finish school and even though it would mean we'd be apart for more time than either of us wanted. 

 

The person I am today is by no means happy. I won't claim to have meaning in my life. The little bits of happiness I sit in my room sharing with Donny in my own head. I'm moving forward because I have to. If I left all of this behind to be with him now, he'll be disappointed. 

 

One of our mutual friend said that she won't believe Donny is truly gone. He just can't touch me anymore. He'll be around in spirit just being him. I keep on trying to hold onto that thought. I don't care if this makes me crazy. I like the idea of living my day as though he is right beside me. I will remain loving him this way till someone is brave enough to stop me. I want him to have as little regret and disappointment as possible when I do join him wherever he is now. I need him to know that I'm trying so very hard because of how much he loved me. He will guide me with all that he taught me. 

 

I miss him, every waking moment. Reality likes to remind me every once in a while just how much I miss him by bombarding me with a day filled with things that would remind me of us. And I take full advantage of that with a box of tissues and the giant stuffed puppy he thought would keep me company when he isn't around (ironic). 

 

I find myself needing someone to talk to. Not to just tell them how sad I am but to share our story and get things out of my system. The happier days of our lives. But I don't even know where to start or who to go to. 

 

If you need to talk or share your story please send me a message. Perhaps I can find peace in your story.

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Hi Koala and Legacy, I can completely relate to everything you've said. Thank you for sharing x

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My husband of 50 years passed away in December.  I live alone, my children are married and only one of them is within driving distance of me. I have been retired for 10 years and the last 7 years was spent in taking care of my husband who passed away from cancer.  He was my job, my reason for being.  Now I have nothing to do. I have no purpose in life.

 

 I think I am depressed.  I have medical problems myself and am afraid that if something major happens to me there will be nobody to help until it is too late.  I am afraid to be in the house alone at night...every little noise scares me.  I have high blood pressure and need to take tranquilizers to control it, which contributes to the depression.  There are no groups in my area which would help me meet people.  My neighbors are all new to the area, the ones that I had made contact with have moved away.  I get through the day waiting until it is time to go to sleep.  I have regrets about our life.  I am sad that he never had joy from retirement after working all those years he got sick and spent his last years with doctors and medicines and treatments that didn't work. 

 

I am new to this forum and hope that somebody else will understand.  At my age I know that nobody else will ever love me the way that my husband did...we were married young and grew up together.  My friends who are also widowed have good support systems and some have children that still live at home with them.  Their lives are unchanged, some of the them are even still working.  Their spouse is gone... that is hard... but the rest of their lives are not spent cooking for one person, handling all of the paperwork...and that is very hard when my husband handled everything like that.  Filling their own gas tank.. the first time I filled my own gas tank I got sideswiped within 100 ft of pulling out of the gas station.  The other driver sped away down the freeway.  I wasn't hurt but I am afraid to drive anywhere now.  It just seems as if my life ended when his did and nothing is fun anymore.  How long does this last and how do you do it alone >

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My fiancé was killed in an accident on January 6th.

The only word I can think of to describe what I am going through is confusion. I understand it has only been 2 weeks and being a very logical person I understand everything people are saying to me. That I need time, I need to not hold anything in, I need to find things to do and continue on with my life or the sadness will consume me.

But my heart is winning the battle.

Our relationship was not picture perfect, and far from being simple. The only thing that we were completely sure of was our love for each other. For the first time I was fearless, he gave me hope that whatever I wanted in life was possible. I've always had a goal and within 3 years we were together I gained direction towards that goal, too. He made me feel like the most beautiful, cherished girl on the face of the earth. I never knew where I belonged but he made me feel like I can always have somewhere to run to when life gets too tough. I've never felt alone even when we were apart.

But now... Where do I start? I've given up hope on a future, I can't see an end or beginning for that matter. What we had was so special that I can't fathom having another relationship. I shared every single detail of my life with him and whether or not he liked what I had to say or the choices I made, he made it a mission to support me no matter what. It was intimate on a level that I feel like a large part of me died with him in that accident. What is left is slowly withering away no matter how hard I try to stop it from happening.

When I met him, he was at a low point in his life. He was broken, and so was I. I wanted to fix him, and slowly I did. He started working again, bought his own truck last year and finally he was getting all that he deserved in life. He had to hire a partner to take the job...he was sleeping when the accident happened. My mind won't allow me to venture any deeper into that night. I wanted to find someone to blame because if he was driving, this wouldn't have happened. He was always so careful. 

For a few days I cried, I avoided life in general because I haven't lived a day without talking to him for 3 years. I look at my phone every time it rings only to find someone else's name. People tell me that's normal. But is it normal to find comfort and solice in the thought of taking my own life. My little sister doesn't understand any of this but she told me "don't be stupid. don't kill yourself." and any normal person would care and not want anyone to go through what I'm going through. But I don't care. People remind me that he was out there working because he wanted to make a better life for us. He pushed me to finish school so I could find security in myself. For a while that pushed me. And now that's completely gone.

I'm sitting in our apartment packing up the only place where I truly understood the meaning of "home". There is no closure, no comfort thought in knowing he's watching over me. I just want to be done with everything. I've never been close to my parents, not close enough to be able to talk to them about this. The only thing I've received is 2 days of peace and then annoyance because they don't approve of my "mopping".

He was my anchor. And we gave each other purpose in life. Now I'm struggling to find purpose to wake up. How do you move on from that? How do you live without a purpose, could you even call that living? So many things I want to say, just to get it out of my system and it's just a huge mess in my head and I don't know how to deal with it. This loneliness will eventually rip me apart. I don't regret a moment I spent with him. Even the arguments. Yet I want to forget so I don't disappoint him by not living a long good life. I don't want to forget, but at the same time I can't live with these memories. I'm torn between extreme opposites and it just seems like there is nowhere to go but make where I am now as a final stop in life. 

 

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Nobody can understand that after 2 weeks you are lucky that you can still get out of bed in the morning...everybody says "it is natural, it will take time to get over it".. Well I am 3 months in and it doesn't get better.  I am still very lonely, I have nobody to talk to, nobody to rub my back, nobody to put cream on my back...nobody to sing along to the intro on TV programs, nobody to share all those little things that make a relationship.  I am probably the oldest member on this forum.  You are lucky that you have a job, something to do during the day and someplace that you feel valued.  I hope you have good friends and a support system to help you.  Unfortunately I am completely alone.  A phone call or a text does not replace a living, breathing person to hug you.  I have finally stopped crying every time I see something that meant something to both of us.  Be kind to yourself, and if you want to stay in bed all day for a day then do that.  Don't make any decisons that will affect your life for a year.  My husband was sick for so long, but we thought that we had more time.  I have anger towards the hospice nurse who came to take care of him.. she spent the last 3 hours of his life making me fill out paperwork and never looked at him until the last 20 minutes that he was alive.. she robbed me of that time.

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I actually can't begin to imagine what you are going through. To have spent your entire life with someone, raising a family, being each other's constant for so long and then, having that taken away from you. I only had 3 short years with my Donny. Yes, I hate whatever higher power to have taken away so much time away from us. But at the same time I can't fathom the whole idea of losing him after spending my life with him.

 

You are right, there is nothing in life that can replace that living person. Physically I never really allow myself to be alone, so I think the loneliness I'm so afraid of is in my head. Even when I'm laughing with co-workers and having fun at work, some part of me is in so much pain and seemingly never stops drowning in something I can't find words to describe. Nobody really understands this feeling. So I can't really talk to anyone about it, even if I can, what then? The only person who can comfort me and understand is gone.

 

I'm not quite sure what I'm doing these days. My life ended when Don died. It just seems like I'm in limbo. There are parts of the day I don't remember. And when i do, it seems like my entire week all scambled together and I can't seperate them because of how lifeless each day that passes. Unlike before I can easily tell which day of the week it is or remember something because perhaps that was the day Donny came home early with flowers just to celebrate me acing an exam. Or perhaps it was that day when I woke up to a voicemail of him apologizing just for the sake of ending the argument even though it was my fault. All the joy, sorrow, ups and downs of our relationship I miss so damn much. The plans we made that I keep trying to avoid thinking about because I have to construct my future based on myself instead of us. The places we wanted to go for vacation I never again want to hear the names of because I can't picture them anymore without him.

 

Is this what is like to be grieving? Having conflicting feelings towards everything? I am so very envious of you to have gotten the chance to spend half a decade with the man who made you happy and gave your life purpose. To have been able to make him happy, take care of him and needless to say, be his sunshine even when he was sick. What I wouldn't give to have spend just another day with Donny let alone another 50 years,  maybe even gave him a real family and show him that we can be better parents than our own. But I won't deny that I also feel extremely lucky to have not had that time. Because if I had the chance to do all of that I won't be here. I couldn't. I feel selfish for going on in life without him, but that's what he would want right? And in that sense I feel guilty thinking about ending my life. This state of confusion and nearly constant sadness...I'm actually just waiting until it all gets too much. I'm waiting for myself to snap. Maybe in the near future, or maybe years from now.. I'm not a bottomless container, I can't keep all of this in forever and it seems like every time I sit down to cry, a lot more is coming in than what is flowing out with those tears.

 

rjp, I want you to know that if you ever need to just talk and rant I am here. I know I am a complete stranger but I will listen. I hope that it get's easier for you, perhaps the better memories of your life will come by more often and bring a smile or two. I can truly say that every so often I get a warm fuzzy feeling, the same feeling I get each time Donny gave me a hug. I hope to never stop experiencing that. I wish you all the best.

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