Dealing with my son's death
Posted 31 October 2011 - 04:26 PM
i know the holidays are approaching faster than we would like and it would just be amazing if we could stop time and turn it back to that night knowing what we know now. But instead we get to handle another year, but you don't have to do it alone and i know you are aware of that. Dad and I are always here to pick you up just as you are for him and you guys have for me. our strength is in each other and is truly shinning it's brightest when we are together. I love you immensely. forever is a long long time and we get to endure it together. I thought you would be happy to know i posted under the loss of a sibling section as you have recommended. We will get through these holidays together. Me you and dad.
Posted 12 April 2009 - 04:36 AM
I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Neither of our son's set out with the intention of dying. And you are right, how many people are guilty of getting into a vehicle with a few drinks under their belt? My son, was extremely intoxicated....he was traveling Northbound on the Southbound interstate...Loren was a grown man, but he was at a New Year's eve party at the parent's home of another friend, they knew how intoxicated he was and yet they did nothing to stop him. My son made choices that night that cost him his life, but I am having a difficult time not screaming at those parents "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!!!" So many factors went into play that night that ultimately lead to Loren's death. I am having a hard time not laying this at the feet of the people at that party. I want them to know that decisions that were made that night have affected my life and the life of my family forever. But, much of it is misplaced anger. I think that at some point in the future I am going to have to sit down with them face to face...I posted the following document on a website www.alcoholalert.com in the weeks immediately after my son's death because it was important for me to voice to people that drunk drivers do die, and the pain that is felt by their families is no less.
My son was the drunk driver New Year's Eve [align=center]by Debra DeFrain
(League City, Texas) [/align] Our son Loren DeFrain, 28 of League City, Texas died on January 4, 2009 from injuries sustained in a drunk driving accident on New Year's Eve. He was the drunk driver. Loren left a party on New Year's Eve after heavy drinking with friends, he was so intoxicated that he somehow got onto Interstate 45 traveling Northbound in Southbound traffic. He had a head on collision. He was not wearing his seatbelt, so he was ejected through the windshield of his vehicle. The other driver thank God, was not injured. My husband and I were skiing in Taos, New Mexico when we received the phone call from our youngest daughter at 4 in the morning. Our son was in critical condition in Hermann Hospital where he had been life flighted. We got back home as quickly as we could, going to the hospital immediately upon our return to Houston. I was not prepared for what I saw. Our son was on life support with massive head and brain injury. He had multiple fractures to his face and legs and we were told he was not going to survive. We sat at the hospital with him for 3 days until he was finally pronounced brain dead on January 4th and we as his family are left picking up the pieces of our lives. Our children were all educated by us at a young age regarding drinking and driving. As parents we entered into a contract with our kids when they were teenagers that stated we would come to get them no matter when or where with no questions asked if they had been drinking or if they were with another driver that had been drinking. Over the years we have gotten numerous calls from our kids, and we always fulfilled our side of the contract. Our daughter was home this past New Year's Eve, and she let her brother know to give her a call if he was drinking and needed a ride home. Obviously he never called. The only one we have to be angry with is our son, and right now the only thing we are grateful for is that he did not take anyone with him. And while he was not the innocent in this accident, our grief is no less agonizing. We are still in the "what if" phase of our grief, trying to find a way to "fix" this, but no matter what we come up with as a solution, the end result is the same. The parent's of his friend that were hosting the party knew how intoxicated our son was and allowed him to get in his vehicle and drive. We do not absolve our son of responsibility, he made choices that night that cost him his life and plunged us into this horrific nightmare. But we as collective individuals and as a society do have a responsibility and an obligation to stop drunk drivers!! It is our duty when hosting a party or event to monitor the alcohol consumption of our guests and to ensure that no body is getting into a vehicle impaired. It is our responsibility to do everything we can to prevent the deaths of the innocent as well as the not so innocent by any means necessary, even if that means calling the police to prevent someone from driving while intoxicated. We would much rather have been visiting our son in jail than burying him. And whether it is the drunk driver that dies or more horribly the innocent victims that they hit, it is we, the parents, family and friends who carry the pain for the rest of our lives.
Posted 10 April 2009 - 12:34 AM
Posted 09 April 2009 - 08:25 PM
I have a small picture frame that says, "Family means believing, loving & supporting each other; family is the essence that helps define our very identity". I believe in this with all my heart; our children deserve nothing less. I am so sorry for your loss; i would not wish this pain & heartbreak on anyone. You are in my thoughts.
Posted 07 April 2009 - 02:37 PM
If I didn't have the Lord holding my hand.......I'm not sure I would have made it......I just keep looking up......it's my strength............
I know I will never be the same though...............
Posted 07 April 2009 - 12:24 PM
Boy can I relate to not being able to hold a thought in my head. For the first 5 months after Brian's death, I was on autopilot. Waking up to the reality my 16 year old is dead is just too much for anyone to handle.
I am approaching the 10 month mark and at least I can think and even multitask now. The brain will clear (somewhat), but reality is there.
You came to right place. BI is my sanity. I really love these people. No one understands the loss of a child more then a parent who has also lost a child. I never knew this deep of a grief could exist and one could still survive.
Come visit us when you can. Tell us about your beautiful boy. We are here for you.
Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever
Posted 07 April 2009 - 11:19 AM
I am glad you returned and found the uplifting messages from all the warm,knowing parents here at BI. Yes, you are so right. We have all experienced the feeling that after a few short months, the support system seems to move on and are looking for us to exhibit "recovery". This is the time when the loss is becoming "real" and so very painful.Alone and with no where to go with my grief I found this Board andit has saved my life. It was suggested that you connect with the larger group on "Loss of Adult Child Board so you will receive immediate caring rresponses to your post. When you feel up to it, it is a life saver.
Fathers also post, so if your husband would like to participate he is most welcome.
I underrstand the weekends being hard and the reality of Monday coming in so please come here and let us share your pain.
Praying for your peace
GOD BROKE OUR HEARTS TO PROVE HE ONLY TAKES THE BEST
Posted 06 April 2009 - 05:57 AM
Posted 05 April 2009 - 03:26 AM
Peace one day,
Posted 04 April 2009 - 02:27 PM
It must be terribly difficult when others tend to minimize the pain you feel, as if that makes you feel better...I guess they will never know, and prayerfully will never know, the pain is there, no matter what the circumstances. We love our children, no matter what, and that is the way it will always be.
love and peace,
Posted 03 April 2009 - 12:14 PM
Posted 03 April 2009 - 11:06 AM
I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I lost my 28yr old daughter Christmas night which you can read about under "My Story" if you feel like it. I guess I can't give you much encouragement because I am where you are. I understand the "what if's" because they occupy my mind on a regular basis. I have so many moments where I don't want to be alive but then other times where somehow I do get the strength to get out of bed. This is a nightmare, a "hell on earth", I think. Everyone here is dealing with the loss of a child no matter what the circumstances were, it does not matter. It's a loss of such magnitude that every day I wonder how I will survive.
This is the first board I have posted on and I feel a lot of love and support here......I think you will too.
Posted 03 April 2009 - 10:52 AM
Stephen was 41 when he passed His problems started 3 years earlier and I like you try to live with him to enable a change. It did not work.
I believe Stephen and your son Loren are in a better place. Stephen was in pain and AA did not work for him.
I will continue to pray for your peace,
GOD BROKE OUR HEARTS TO PROVE HE ONLY TAKES THE BEST
Posted 03 April 2009 - 09:55 AM
Posted 03 April 2009 - 09:25 AM
I am so sorry to hear of he death of your beloved son Loren. You have come to the right place. I have found love, warmth and understanding on this Board like I have never Known. You are very early in this most painful of all grief journies and what you are feeling and how you are functioning is familiar to all of us. Please be gentle with yourself. Come here often. I often just come to read some days and gain strength. Please do the same. If you feel like sharing whaever is on your heart you will be accepted and understood.
My son Stephen, passed away 22 months ago after a brief battle (which he lost) with alcoholism. I understand the what if and if onlys. Thanks to this board I have reached a quiet acceptance that I did all I could, and that my son's life , like your son's enriched me 100 fold. I miss him everyday. I remember wonderful days and they warm my heart.
In time your pain will ease but it takes time. Please take care of yourself and come back often
Praying for you and your family
GOD BROKE OUR HEARTS TO PROVE HE ONLY TAKES THE BEST
Posted 03 April 2009 - 08:33 AM
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