Pain still there 4.5 years later.

[EHCsBabyGirl]

I lost my dad on April 10, 2010. He died from stage 4 lung cancer although truthfully the cancer was all over in his bones, spots on his kidney liver and 2 spots on his brain. Ever since Thanksgiving last year, really only 2 months ago, I have been really in a tough sad and lonely spot lately. Even as I am typing this I am crying. A few minutes ago I was actually sobbing uncontrollably. I still miss him so much and I still think about him daily. I really have lost the ability to find joy during the holidays. There is a huge part of me that is missing. It feels like when he died that missing part of me died with him. I still laugh occasionally but not the way I used to. Most days I am okay but this past week I just can't seem to let go of the guilt I feel from something I said to my mom during Christmas 2009, 2 months before I found out my dad was dying of cancer. I was annoyed with my dad on how he was refusing to go to the doctor and how he was bothering me by hanging out hovering around me while I was playing a stupid computer game. I believe he knew then he was dying but never told us until he ended up in the hospital. I wish I could take back that time and have been more patient and loving to him instead of saying to my mom I wish he would die already if he wasn't going to try to get better. I just wish I could hug him and be held by him one more time.