My Father died in May of 2014

January 3, 2015

I lost my mother to Alzheimer in 2006, and my father to cancer in May of 2014. I didn't think it hit me that hard, but I haven't been in very good shape lately, and it's 7 months later, and I thought I should be over it by now. I had a co-worker RN say to me about 2 months after he died, "You are awful grumpy, and everyone knows about your Father, and have cut you slack, but you are being watched... apparently by other people from other shifts that I see for 5 minutes at shift change when I'm gathering up my work, and then just head straight into report." I think she was letting me know that my grieving period was over in the workplace.

A little background. I work on an adolescent psych unit on nights as a nac, and worked about 9 years ago on the adult psych unit, but I know everybody on the adult psych unit. There is mental illness in my family. I have gerneralized depression, and have had episodes of panic disorder, and I was medicated with both benzo's, and ssri's. I've been off the benzo's for over 10 years, and just starting celexa. I have a bipolar sister who was hospitalized in the hospital I work at twice in the last year, I'm not sure how to put this delicately but she was sexually assaulted by one of our brothers when they were children, and that contributed significantly to her current state. Now that situation has compounded what I'm experiencing now because one of my co-workers... we work on an entirely different unit asked me a question, she asked, "Do you a brother named ****", and I said "yes, why?" She said, "Didn't one of your brothers molest your sister?" I was floored that that info had spread to my department in violation of federal law first, and the audacity of the nurse to ask that question, but the worst thing was that she was trying to connect the wrong dots which could have had a disastrous effect on the noninvolved siblings as well as my sisters husband who is prominent in the community if this info got out.

I have been on 2 short bouts of fmla over the last year. Once before my father passed away because of depression, and have been on it since the 12th of Dec, and return on Jan 06 2015. I have diabetes, and had a heart attack 3 years ago, and have recently been feeling like I'm going into shock. I break out in a mild sweat, get short of breath, can't concentrate on anything, and feel I need to sit down right now, and assume it's blood sugar, or my heart. 3 weeks ago I had a nuclear stress test, and an echo, and am wearing a halter monitor. I just got word that all my cardiac testing hadn't changed in the last 3 years, so it all looked good. I should be relieved, but now don't know what to put down as the reason for FMLA. When I feel like I'm sinking, and get short of breath, and it also kind of feels like I'm going into shock, and hypoclycemic which I'm not. I check my blood sugar, and either expect it to be really high or low, and they are neither, maybe slightly elevated but I correct it with insulin. When I went on fmla, I asked the arnp if I could please have something for anxiety, and was given as a short term treatment ativan twice a day. I actually feel normal on it because I'm not feeling that sinking shocky feeling, anywhere near as much as I did before I started taking it. My labs are normal, so that is leading me to the conclusion in the absence of an acute physical condition that I am suffering from grief, acute panic disorder, and depression right now. I'm really afraid about what to tell my nosey co-workers about why I was off, and they're all going to enquire, but I don't want to talk about this with them. I see the arnp on the 5th of Jan who still has yet to fill out the fmla paperwork which I'm assuming will be depression, and/or panic disorder, and I am willing to see a shrink. I am terrified about ending up on my psych unit which is the only one in town where my sister was a patient and being treated by co-workers who have family knowledge I'd prefer they didn't but I have no control over that now.

On my FMLA so far I've been without the ativan for several days twice before getting a refill, and went right back into the panic attacks. I have stopped doing laundry because I have to go outside, and climb several flights of steps, and just pick up clothes and underwear, when I go shopping for food. I also haven't been keeping up my place.

I have been divorced for 11 years, and dated for the first 2 years afterwards but stopped all social media sites, and dating sites, I've withdrawn from the dating scene, and slowly let my friends go too over the last decade, and spend most of my time alone either watching tv or listening to music. I no longer write music. My own family is really, really slow in returning my calls, and it can take days to get through to anyone if I need someone to talk to, and when I do they are usually busy, and want to know if they can call back. The anxiety has gotten so bad that I have felt like at times I just can't take it anymore, without the meds. I have no desire to harm myself. I just want to get back to a normal life. Although normal for me has been a long life of rejection by others because of my slightly eccentric artistic songwriting musician personality, and I just withdrew more, and more over the years.

I had a very contentious relationship with my father when I was younger, and as the years went on we because friends, and then he became my best freind, and then my only friend, and I just feel lost right now. Typing this has been cathartic, and I am going to bring this in and show the ARNP what I just wrote so we can figure out where to go from here. What is compounding this is that I am a Catholic, and when I go to confession, and tell the priests I'm all alone, and not sure where to go from here, they just say, "Well this confession is a good start" ...WTF?!?! The death of my Father had a much larger impact than I realized. I don't think about him all that ofter now, but I've somewhat unraveled, and didn't expect this at all. One day he was healthy, then I got a call from my sister, "Dad's sick" He was supposed to have six months but died 7 weeks later because the doctors essentially shortened his life by giving him brain bleeds with a drug.

I'm terrified having the stigma of mental illness working in a place that cares for the mentally ill with people who know things about my family that they shouldn't. I don't want to lose my job because a NAC license leaves my options pretty limited especially at 56. Anyway thanks for listening, and I would love any feedback from anyone who has the time to read this. Thanks.

January 3, 2015

I am so sorry for the loss of both of your parents. I could relate to so much in your post. I lost both parents within an 11 month period and that was the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life.

In regard to the stigma of mental illness at work or anywhere else, I also work in psychiatry as a CCA (Continuing Care Assistant) for almost 30 years. In regard to what others think, I would say this; find me one family who doesn't have a history of any kind of mental illness. I believe that you would be hard pressed to find one. The thing is that most people keep it secret or are in denial about it and are afraid to seek out help due to the stigma we are talking about. I personally see those who seek out help as very brave people and admire them for doing that. I say good for you in doing that.

In regard to being Catholic, I can relate to that as well. I was raised Catholic, attended a catholic school and church. Throughout my childhood, adolescence and early adulthood I attended church but never really felt "connected." Then about 5 years ago I started reading the Bible for myself. I started at the beginning and kept reading it in order unlike in the past when I jumped around. I found that in reading it from beginning to the end I had a better understanding of what I was reading. After my mom passed on, I read it more and more and in doing that I got comfort. In regard to confession, there is no where in the Bible that tells us to confess to a preist, pastor, minister, or anyone else. It does say to pray and confess only to God, and we do that through Jesus Christ. I am not saying anything against the Catholic or any other church ... just sharing what I've read for myself.

When preparing my mom's obituary I picked up the Bible and opened it randomly and the page I opened had a scripture that I found instant comfort. I want to share it with you and others here with the hope that it brings comfort to you also. I included this scripture in my mom's obituary.

John 14:1-4 "Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. There is more than enough room in my Father's home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. And you know the way to where I am going."

That is Jesus talking! Jesus himself comes to get us when we leave this life. Now that brings me comfort! I also included this scripture in my dad's obituary 11 months later. I don't believe in coincidence ... I truly believe that specific page and scripture was put in front of me when I needed to see it most.

I hope that I don't sound preachy, I just wanted to share what really helps me through the tears and heavy heart in losing my parents.

On a final note, I could also relate to you writing music. I didn't write music but I played music in a Cajun/Zydeco band for 20 years. I stopped playing in the band about 5 years ago because it was becoming more like work than fun but after my mom passed on my band got together to play at my room-mate's retirement party. My dad attended that party and when my band played a well known Cajun waltz (Jolie Blon) I got off the stage and had a little dance with my dad. One of my co-workers got that dance on video tape (which I haven't been able to bring myself to watch it yet). Little did I know that 3 days later my dad would pass on. I hadn't danced with my dad since my wedding day! In looking back, what a gift that was to dance that last dance with him ... and to have photos and a video clip of that dance. GOD IS GOOD!

Take care

Cindy Jane

January 7, 2015