Looking for advice

[tjourn]

On December 11th, 2014 I found my mother in her bedroom disorientated. As it turns out, she had a brain hemorrhage. She had stroke like symptoms, as half of her body was weak and she was slurring her words. She was rushed to the hospital, put into a coma, and passed away on December 14th. 

 

I am currently a senior in high school and I am really struggling to accept and deal with this loss. I do not understand what happened, as it was so sudden. I am confused and distraught about the loss, and my head hurts from thinking about it daily. I cannot even describe how I am feeling. It has come in waves, but mostly I am feeling numb. It still doesn't feel like I really lost my mom, who was just here the other day. I have been okay through the holidays. I thought I was handling it well at first and I was strong, but things are just hitting me now. I have kept myself in my room because I don't want to be around anyone, yet I feel so alone. On top of this, I have struggled with depression for the past year and my mom was my number one supporter, but now I have nobody. I just wish I could talk to her, and I regret so much that I wish I could fix. I don't understand why this had to happen and I am waiting to wake up from this nightmare. I am just expecting her to come home one day. I can't get the image of how I found her, and my dad trying to help her. 

 

I have so many things going through my head about this. My family and I do not have a religion but I just need help. I do not know who to turn to. My father doesn't talk to me and just secludes himself as well. My father who is an EMT came to the house when I called 911, and since then he hasn't been the same. He isn't dealing with it well and whenever I try to talk with him he pushes me away. My grandmother is the only other close relative I have, and whenever I try to talk she breaks down. Friends do not know how to talk to me and have preferred to avoid me. I cannot talk to anybody about this. 

 

I could really use any advice at all. What can I do to help myself move forward? 

 

[signal]

I recognize all the symptoms, and from what I understabd you need to process the feelings. If you don't have anyone close to talk to, how about a call-in service? Writing here and getting some replies might help as well.

[EHCsBabyGirl]

I am so sorry for your loss. There are many sources you can turn to if you know where to look. One of the best resources for you will be through your school as there are guidance counsellors on staff and they can point you in the direction for people you can talk to. Until then you can always look to the forums here as we are here for each other helping through the grieving process.

[BaileyB]

I'm so sorry for your loss. You are far too young to have to deal with such things in this life. I'm so sorry.

I too think that you should talk to the guidance counsellor at your school. Or talk to your dad - he may have benefits such that you can find a counsellor to help you process all that has happened. You can also talk to your doctor and ask for a referral to a counsellor. Your doctor will be able to help you too! I can tell you that when my mom died, I looked to my father, my brother, and my aunts to help me deal with everything. It was hard for them to talk because they were also struggling with their own experience of the loss. Everyone deals with grief in a different way, and some people are able to cope with such difficult things while other, sadly struggle. I once heard the analogy... "After a loss, it is like you are adrift in a lifeboat. Some people are able to get on that lifeboat with you, while others are not." It may surprise you who will be able to get on that lifeboat with you. I'm sure your friends are well meaning but it will be difficult for them to really understand, assuming they have not experienced such a loss. But, perhaps you have a friend who will listen and try to be helpful. Perhaps they have a parent who can be helpful. Sometimes, the people who show up to help will surprise you. But, definitely try to find someone who you feel comfortable with - to talk to and support you through this difficult time. There is no shame in asking for help and seeking a counsellor... My counsellor was very helpful to me during my mom's illness and dealing with some things after her loss.

It's still very early in your loss... No doubt, the numbness you are feeling is still the shock of the loss. That numbness stayed with me for months. It's been three years now, and I still have moments when I can't believe my dear mother is gone. People will use the word journey and that is really what it is... Your experience will change with time. All the more reason why it's good to find someone to talk with... You have a lot to process as you move through this loss.

Big hugs to you! Take care.

[silverkitties]

I am extremely sorry for your loss. I am considerably older than you but lost my own mother nearly 3 months ago so I can only guess how much more agonizing it must be for a person your age. It is a lot to process in a few short weeks when you're so close to your mother and particularly when you are in your final year of highschool.

 

I would like to reiterate what others have said here: see your school counsellor. There is no shame in that all: and btw, that would be the same even if you didn't have such a loss. I also agree that sometimes support can come from some of those you might least expect--at an unexpected time no less.

 

I might suggest that you speak to those whom you know were friendly or at least on good terms with your mother. I myself felt initially awkward talking to my maternal aunts--my mother's sisters and her closest cousins--if only because we rarely ever spoke on the phone since they were not very fluent in English. We would all break down in tears at some point, but we also enjoyed talking about my mom: we would share our favorite memories--her talents, her beauty, and all the great and funny things she said and did. I wound up learning quite a bit about her childhood! Many of these conversations helped cheer me up a bit; or if "cheer" isn't exactly the right word, at least I felt much less alone. My mom's friends and acquaintances in our own community here have been sources of comfort too.

 

If you don't have any close relations or acquaintances, you might consider a hotline for teens that deals with loss. Sometime funeral homes and hospitals offer grief counselling--or at least, may be able to direct you to other sources.   

 

Not least, I don't know if you've had a funeral or memorial service for her, but it can help to prepare some words or a speech. Even if the service has already passed,  perhaps you can prepare a tribute to her on her memorial site or youtube: maybe a scrapbook or a compilation of her favorite songs. You can try your hand at poetry or begin a journal? And yes, share your thought about your mom here.  Think about all the qualities you've cherished in her, the special things she's done for you (and perhaps vice-versa), the ways in which she's encouraged and supported you over the years. What did she praise you for? How did she help you in school? How did she sympathize with you--and console you over the years? It may feel painful at times to think about what you've lost--but these pangs will eventually subside as you think about how fortunate you were to have such a wonderful and loving mom.

 

 

[BaileyB]

There is some really good advice in this discussion. I agree that it would be nice for you to talk with those who were close to your mom... If you can. My mom had two very dear friends who have become friends to me now. It's nice to be able to talk with them and share memories of my mom... I've even learned some things that I never knew. Your family may not be able to talk with you, but perhaps there is someone else you can talk with so you don't feel so alone in your grief.

One other thought... I started a journal in which I shared my thoughts and feelings, but I would also write to letters to my mom. I talk to my mom often - to ask her advice, to tell her what I'm thinking. I actually still buy a mother's day card every year and write a little note to her... Telling her how I miss her. The relationship that you shared does not die with your mom... Over time, you will find ways to remember her and feel close to her. But, it will take time. Right now, you are really hurting. So, just do what you need to do to out one foot in front of the other. Find someone to help. And know, you are not alone. Come back and talk to us.