Found my healthy 50 year old mother dead in our home

[espresso_dreams]

At 9 am on Sunday November 23rd, I awoke to my 18 year old brother screaming at my mom to wake up... I walked in to find her in her bed, her lips dark blue. I told him to call 911. They told us to lift her out of bed and onto the floor because CPR doesn't work on a soft surface. We gently moved her, and I started cpr.

Her skin was mottled, her belly purple and bloated... I'm a healthcare provider and know the signs of death, but for some reason, I still did those chest compressions until the paramedics arrived. My 12 year old daughter saw all of this.

The paramedics worked tirelessly on my already gone mother for about an hour before they finally called it. Her death certificate reads the time they arrived.

After they pronounced her dead, and told us, they brought the chaplain in. Again, I'm a healthcare provider, and I know this process all too well, but was in denial.

A sheriff showed up, then another. Both questioned everyone in the house twice, including my daughter. At this point, my 24 year old sister (because I called her) and the next door neighbor had arrived (uninvited).

Next, a forensics team and more cops arrived. They took pictures of my mother, her room, her bed, all of her psych meds, etc. My sister has flashbacks triggered by a flash now.

After the forensic team finished, they started along with all of the other cops until the medical examiner arrived, hours later.

The medical examiner took more pictures, did whatever she does, and then have me her card, telling me a bunch of things I can't remember. As the eldest child, I received a lot of cards and jargon that day.

My mother's best friend asked to hold her hand for a few minutes before they took her, and the ME refused, in case there was foul play because she was only 50 and in perfect health. I believe there may have been, to some degree.

Next, they took her away in a body bag. We had to move all the furniture, and I had to secure the animals while they set up to load her out. Knowing I'd already be scarred for life, I chose to go somewhere else while they bagged and moved her.

The next few hours were a complete blur. Lots of phone calls. I couldn't cry. Not until all the people left.

I am having flashbacks of the events of that awful day, particularly of the way she looked when we moved her, and the gurgling sounds she made as we did. I can barely leave my house (the one where I lived with her, the one she died in) because they're so bad. My pdoc has me on three benzos to keep me out of hysteria, and to try to control the flashbacks.

She was my best friend and we were raising my child together. I was helping her take care of my siblings. To say we were close is a vast understatement. We were inseparable. We were a team. I am now taking care of most of her responsibilities as well as my own. This is just too much...

[mydeepestthoughts]

I am so sorry to hear about the lost of your mother, the death of a loved one is indeed tragic. And the circumstance, and events that you described add to the trauma of these sad events. I also lost my mother to death..but I can never say to you that I know how you feel. Some hurts can only be stilled by time, and even then never completely. But I would like to share some thoughts that helped me when my mother passed away. It's a scripture found in Rev 21:3,4 it reads.."and he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will morning nor outcry nor pain be anymore.the former things have passed away." This is promised guaranteed by God himself..since these sorrows are all around us now, we know that this is a future promise..and because we have never seen anything like this, we may wonder can this really happen? But we are reassured by the scripture in Heb 6:18- reads "that it is impossible for God to lie."

Granted knowing these things don't stop us from grieving deeply for present losses, and sometimes it is necessary to seek medical help to assist us..but even then it's good to know that God cares, and he sees your deep wounds, and reaching out to him will provide comfort.

I will keep you in my prayers

The attached link has more encouraging comfort that you may enjoy..

http://www.jw.org/en/publications/magazines/wp20140101/#?insight[search_id]=0651145a-3e15-4dbb-a6ac-64a59cddee4e&insight[search_result_index]=0

[babygirl86]

I am so sorry. My father was found the exact same day. November 23 2014. I still haven't changed my calendar on my wall because for some weird reason I feel I'll be "moving on" if I do. And I don't want to. My sister and I met for breakfast that morning and repeatedly called my father to invite him as well. After numerous unanswered calls we both felt something was wrong. Once we got back to my house we both called again. I was looking at my sister as she dialed and I heard someone answer and I heard my sister ask who was this and she began giving both of our names to the person. I knew then something was terribly wrong. My sister was breathing fast and fell to her knees. I immediately started screaming asking what was going on. I grabbed the phone and it was a medical examiner. I asked where was my daddy and I threw the phone, grabbed my keys and darted for for the door. I knew his address but was so distraught I couldn't get my thoughts together to get to him. I almost flipped my car I was driving so fast. These are the events that keep playing in my head every day. The day my healthy. 51 year old daddy was found dead in his room. Everyone is celebrating the new year and I'm like who cares. I lost my daddy in 2014. So who cares about 2015. I know exactly what you're going through.

[espresso_dreams]

 I am so sorry. My father was found the exact same day. November 23 2014. I still haven't changed my calendar on my wall because for some weird reason I feel I'll be "moving on" if I do. And I don't want to. My sister and I met for breakfast that morning and repeatedly called my father to invite him as well. After numerous unanswered calls we both felt something was wrong. Once we got back to my house we both called again. I was looking at my sister as she dialed and I heard someone answer and I heard my sister ask who was this and she began giving both of our names to the person. I knew then something was terribly wrong. My sister was breathing fast and fell to her knees. I immediately started screaming asking what was going on. I grabbed the phone and it was a medical examiner. I asked where was my daddy and I threw the phone, grabbed my keys and darted for for the door. I knew his address but was so distraught I couldn't get my thoughts together to get to him. I almost flipped my car I was driving so fast. These are the events that keep playing in my head every day. The day my healthy. 51 year old daddy was found dead in his room. Everyone is celebrating the new year and I'm like who cares. I lost my daddy in 2014. So who cares about 2015. I know exactly what you're going through. 

I'm so sorry for your loss, but it's nice to hear from someone who's been through the same thing. I don't understand how we're supposed to just "go on". What happened with your father? Do they know yet?

My update:

My family has all drifted off to wherever they were before, my sister got pregnant one week after my mother's death, and started school this quarter, so she's busier than ever. My mom's best friend calls me every couple days to check up on me, as I do with my siblings. My brother is on a ship somewhere, occasionally able to update his Facebook status only. No other communication is possible. I might start writing him letters, but it'll take weeks... My uncle went back to Canada with his wife. I hear from him every few weeks fir a couple minutes. My best friend doesn't have time for me, neither does my boyfriend. I'm too suspicious of the neighbors next door to be around them, given the circumstances of her death (i think they sold her pain pills). I don't really have any other friends. My mom was all I had. I'm trying to spend more time with my 12 year old, but at her age, that's hard. It's the only time I feel like life might be worth living, though. I had to take the quarter off school since I no longer have someone to watch her, and don't feel comfortable leaving her alone, or capable of getting home at 9 and walking up at 5 to get her up for school. My mother was still waking me up every morning, and bringing me fast food when I was depressed (I'm bipolar). I have plenty to do, given the massive hole she left in our household, not to mention my heart. I think I'm just ranting now. Fortunately, today is my therapy day... But there's a lot I never told my therapist. I told my mother everything, and she told me everything. I've saved all the texts I've gotten from her in the last three or four years, and we texted every time we were apart. We spent nearly all of our free time together. No matter what I'm doing, I can't stop crying while doing it... I don't understand how everyone else is just going on. But, I'm also the only one that's all alone. My therapist says I should go to a grief support group, but I hate being in groups, other than online. I can barely stand to take a shower because she's not around. We only have one bathroom, and every time I got in it to shower, she'd have to pee and we'd end up having a 5 min conversation... Most of the length of my shower. She was my best friend for 32 years. Now I have no one. I'm having a really hard day today, in fact, it seems to only get harder. And we still don't have a cause of death. She was drinking on meds she shouldn't have been drinking on, and I think my neighbors gave her pain pills. We knew the dangers, but we didn't know just how dangerous it was... I keep wishing I'd have skipped my meds, women up to her stumbling through the house and called 911. But there's nothing I can do now, except keep in mind that benzos + alcohol + pain pills = death. She had done it so many times before, and she'd been fine... I don't know what else to say other than

Thank you everyone for your support.

[espresso_dreams]

I'm so sorry for your loss, but it's nice to hear from someone who's been through the same thing. I don't understand how we're supposed to just "go on". What happened with your father? Do they know yet?

My update:

My family has all drifted off to wherever they were before, my sister got pregnant one week after my mother's death, and started school this quarter, so she's busier than ever. My mom's best friend calls me every couple days to check up on me, as I do with my siblings. My brother is on a ship somewhere, occasionally able to update his Facebook status only. No other communication is possible. I might start writing him letters, but it'll take weeks... My uncle went back to Canada with his wife. I hear from him every few weeks fir a couple minutes. My best friend doesn't have time for me, neither does my boyfriend. I'm too suspicious of the neighbors next door to be around them, given the circumstances of her death (i think they sold her pain pills). I don't really have any other friends. My mom was all I had. I'm trying to spend more time with my 12 year old, but at her age, that's hard. It's the only time I feel like life might be worth living, though. I had to take the quarter off school since I no longer have someone to watch her, and don't feel comfortable leaving her alone, or capable of getting home at 9 and walking up at 5 to get her up for school. My mother was still waking me up every morning, and bringing me fast food when I was depressed (I'm bipolar). I have plenty to do, given the massive hole she left in our household, not to mention my heart. I think I'm just ranting now. Fortunately, today is my therapy day... But there's a lot I never told my therapist. I told my mother everything, and she told me everything. I've saved all the texts I've gotten from her in the last three or four years, and we texted every time we were apart. We spent nearly all of our free time together. No matter what I'm doing, I can't stop crying while doing it... I don't understand how everyone else is just going on. But, I'm also the only one that's all alone. My therapist says I should go to a grief support group, but I hate being in groups, other than online. I can barely stand to take a shower because she's not around. We only have one bathroom, and every time I got in it to shower, she'd have to pee and we'd end up having a 5 min conversation... Most of the length of my shower. She was my best friend for 32 years. Now I have no one. I'm having a really hard day today, in fact, it seems to only get harder. And we still don't have a cause of death. She was drinking on meds she shouldn't have been drinking on, and I think my neighbors gave her pain pills. We knew the dangers, but we didn't know just how dangerous it was... I keep wishing I'd have skipped my meds, women up to her stumbling through the house and called 911. But there's nothing I can do now, except keep in mind that benzos + alcohol + pain pills = death. She had done it so many times before, and she'd been fine... I don't know what else to say other than

Thank you everyone for your support. 

[babygirl86]

No we're still waiting on the autopsy report. He was a fireman and very well known in our town so we hoped it wouldn't take so long. And I'm sure you understand when I say its pure agony and torture. The wait. The wondering how many possible things it could've been. Then going over in your mind how many ways you could've saved them. Here's an update on my family: my brother and sister both are expecting their first children with their wive/husband so they have something exciting to plan and look forward too. My son is 9 and was the first and only grandchild. He and my dad were truly best friends. I saw my dad everyday because he had to see my son everyday. I saved all of my texts from him as well.still haven't changed my calendar either. Oh and I just started dreaming about him every night about 4 nights ago. I have a boyfriend but he's has this life goes on attitude about everything so how do you talk to someone about that? I cry and hate life when no one is around then fake laughs and force smiles when needed. I have nothing to look forward to. My life is bland. A dead end. And I can't talk to my daddy about it. My boyfriend gets offend when I say I have nobody but my siblings have their spouses to go to. He doesn't understand its not the same. I lay in my bed alone at night and cry. We don't live together. I just want my daddy back. But I am glad I've found you to talk to.

[espresso_dreams]

We're still waiting too... It'll be a couple more months too. I'm only 32. My siblings are 24 (sister) and 18 (brother). I understand what you mean about the agony of waiting. I'm still trying to piece together the events of the night before she passed away. She had been drinking, on klonopin, and there's a rumor that my neighbor sold her vicodin that night. I always helped keep her in check when she got drunk, because she didn't always make the best choices when she wasn't sober (like taking pain pills with alcohol). I'm left with a lot of guilt over not insisting she come home that night, but she kept saying she was fine. Before she left, our house was a well oiled machine... It's been hard keeping up both roles around here. I'm sorry you're dealing with this it sounds like alone... I am too. My sister's way too busy, my brother's out at sea or something... Once again, no other family around. My phone is so quiet it's killing me... If anybody needs it, 741-741 is a great crisis text line. I've used it so much I think they're sick of me.

[espresso_dreams]

And baby girl, feel free to message me... I'll try to figure out how to get this forum to notify me somehow.

[babygirl86]

How does the crisis text line work?

[espresso_dreams]

You just text talk to that number and they connect you with a counselor. It's really cool.

[babygirl86]

Cool. I'll definitely use that.

[espresso_dreams]

I sure have been. What bigger crisis is there than the death of a loved one?

[babygirl86]

I still can not believe it. I think I'm I'm shock. Every night while I lay in bed I like remind myself that he's gone then shake it off and take something to make me sleep.

[espresso_dreams]

Me too. And my first thought the last couple weeks has been, "oh yeah... My mother's dead" because I'm still used to her waking up before me. We were raising children together. It isn't fair. I don't think it's fair to lose a parent so young. My mother always said life isn't fair... How right she was. :'(

[babygirl86]

I know how you feel ;'(

[espresso_dreams]

I feel so alone without my mother... It only seems to be getting worse with time. The only time I can get anything done is when my daughter's home. I need to be able to be functional, but I just can't do it. Every time I do something other than sit on the couch watching tv, I just cry and cry... I cry watching tv. I am getting the bare minimum done to run the household and take care of my daughter, but it's all with tears... How do I heal? How do I live without her?

[espresso_dreams]

1. Quick thank you too all who have been there for me through this... I love you all and don't know what I'd do without you.2. Her cause of death was made official today. It is listed as "undetermined". This only brings more questions... We still have no idea why our loving mother was abruptly taken from us. It makes no sense because she was young and healthy. She took good care of herself... She exercised, ate salads every day, took all her vitamins, etc. It makes no sense. All I can tell myself is that some higher power somewhere must have needed her particular brand of selfless love and compassion. She truly was a wonderful woman, and she is sincerely missed by almost everyone who knew her. The other people are just generally bad people. I hope wherever she is, she is finally happy. She deserves it. She suffered from massive depression for many years. At least she is no longer suffering.

[Hurtingsobad49]

Oh my gosh I can totally relate to you 100% how you feel and every word you feel. I been reading your posts because you sound exactly Like me. I'm freaked out about my mom being gone. I can't function. I was hoping we could chat. I'm new on this site and not sure how to use it yet.

[espresso_dreams]

We can definitely chat. I'm not sure how, but I'd love to have someone to talk to about all this

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Hurting and Expresso, I am so sorry for the loss of your moms. I happened to notice your thread and the question about using Chat. It is very easy, just click on the Chat Tab above and you will activate a chat session. If you coordinate it with the other person by setting a time you should be able to have a more free flow conversation just like with any other Chat program.

 

Again, I am sorry for your loss.

[Hurtingsobad49]

Thank you Jesse. I appreciate it.

[espresso_dreams]

Thank you, Jessie.