My Dearest Mother

[Never better]

This is long, and to the one most dearest to my heart ever.

I lost my mom. To say that I lost just that, is the biggest understatement. She's been my best friend, the one who's always been there for me and always loved me, and I the same for her. I care about her more than anything in the world. I'd been her caretaker since she was diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of the year, and had always just been with her before that (we'd pretty much always been best friends and I know her the best, and she knows me). She always knew how much I loved her and I told her, but after the diagnosis I would tell her at least 10 times a day how much I love her, would give her kisses constantly, hug her and lay with her and hold her hand, and rub her back all the time. She knew how much I loved her and commented on how much I did, I know it made her feel so good inside. I researched good foods for her to eat, the correct vitamins that long term survivors were taking, researched all the clinical trials we could put her on. I was on top of everything. She also got so much love and support from friends and other family members, she was happily blown away by how many people cared about her. I told her "of course, who wouldn't love you?" That always made her smile.

My sister came to help and actually did a lot for a while, but ended up not being around as much after time had passed, so everything was back on me. Talking to doctors, researching (which I didn't know anything about before and had to learn quick so I could help my mom, she was counting on me and I would never let her down. I would do anything for her). I know my father loves my mom, but he would watch tv all day, but he even did that before she got sick. He would go out and do chores and buy groceries, I guess that's the most he could do. He would get her food or things she needed if she was cold or needed medication, but for the most part it was all on me to take care of everything, even him, though he is relativity healthy.

They're both in their early 70's and had been together since their teens, and my mom was seemingly very healthy before all this happened. She still had been working, while he had been retired for a good while with no problems. She never looked her age, she was always so beautiful and youthful looking, no one would ever guess she was in her 70's.

Watching my loving mother, really the rock of my life that always had been there for me, seeing her health decline and body change was so hard. To know this is the person I love without a doubt more than anyone in the world and to know I'm doing all I can for her and not sure if it was going to help, killed me everyday.

I never wanted her to be afraid, and we were doing everything we could for her and researching any and all the options out there. She was going to be the exception. We stayed extremely positive and so did she, she was going to fight and I told her I would be there every step of the way and as long as she didn't give up I would never give up on her. I told her to give me all her burden and I would take it on my shoulders. I really did think my love would somehow help heal her, as we worked on other things like chemo and nutrition, meditation, praying, and positive thinking. This really seemed to work and she got better for a couple months, then the chemo stopped working. She very much loved and believed in God. I thought it was just a matter of time before we got her on another modality that was going to help her.

Seeing her in the hospital was unbearable at the end (though I didn't know that was happening at the time). I spent all my time with her as I always did whenever she was in the hospital, just coming home to shower and recharge so I could go back and be with her. I would hold her hand constantly and just try to keep her mood up, hug her and tell her how much I love her and just talk about normal things. She only went in to the hospital for something minor that was due to the cancer and we all thought she would be out in a couple days, which turned into almost 2 weeks. She got better, then things happened and seemed to go wrong and a major blood vessel problem changed everything. She told me she loved me and I did to her, and had such love in my eyes when I looked at her because I didn't want her to be scared in any way. I knew things didn't look good.

The last 2 days were more than horrendous. She was no longer responsive and I knew I was losing my fight to help my mom heal and get better. I promised her I would, it was my job to take care of her and I could feel everything moving so fast and I couldn't help her. There was family drama going on during all of this (and after), which makes it even harder. Watching her go was the worst thing I've ever experienced, to hear the breaths get shorter and I knew what was coming. I held her and told her I lover her over and over, played her favorite music, and sang our favorite songs into her hear. I never thought this would happen. One day, maybe very far in the future but not now. Not her. Not my mom. She was such a good person, but cancer doesn't care what kind of person you are. Neither do some doctors who's bedside manner made me want to punch them as hard as humanly possible in the face.

It's only been a couple of weeks. I can't stop thinking about the last days and how she looked and all the images and occurrences with family that I have in my mind. Even how she would ask me months before if she was dying, and I would tell her no we're doing all we can for you, we're gonna get you better. That's exactly what we were working so hard on. It was so heartbreaking to hear her ask me that. I knew very clearly that it was my purpose to be there to help her. She told me I was the one who made her feel so much better, so calm, and that everything was going to be alright. That made me feel so happy, that I was helping her in some very real way. She loved me so much, as I love her so much. I thought it was my life's mission to get her better. I feel I failed.

Those images, being with her as she went (though I was proud to do, and proud to do everything I did for her and would do it all the same in a heartbeat). I know she didn't feel alone in her fight, my dad and sister made her feel supported as well, just not as consistent as our relationship did. I would calm her when she did get scared, and tell her we're gonna do the best we can to get you better. I never wanted her to feel alone. I don't think she did very often, I was with her just about 24/7, physically and emotionally.

People say that at least she's not in pain now, and I definitely never wanted her to be in any pain. I could never have even in my worst dreams imagined this, truly, maybe other family members but I never even considered this would happen to her, not my Mom. I empathize so much with people that it hurts me really bad to see someone I love suffer. I'm sure a lot of people feel that way.

I can't seem to help it but I keep seeing those last day horrible images in my head. It comes to me when I wake, during the day and at night. I can't stop crying. I cry intensely, everyday. I know it's all had a very traumatic effect on me, I'm sensitive by nature in the first place. I try not to think about those moments when I knew she probably was scared because they hurt me the most. When scary stuff was happening, and I was the only one there to help, until the nurses came, scared the hell out of me but I knew I had to be brave for her and take care of things, just like I knew she would absolutely do for me. Then later to see her body change and her becoming non-responsive, and sweating profusely. Then seeing her get strong medication so she wasn't in pain as the doctors said, but I knew she was to a certain degree because she was losing her battle and she did not want to lose it in any way, she was such a fighter. I know she fought to stay with me, I wanted her to as well, and also for herself.

The family I have now without her is extremely unsupportive emotionally. We barely talk, though my sister takes care of my dad and pays him much attention. We had trouble in the past but she is still cruel to me, even after everything that has happened. She has returned home which is far away, but still is very domineering and bossy. My brother is very unconcerned and seems to not really care at all, he has his own family on the east coast and is seems to be very settled in it. It makes me so sad because I know my Momma cares about him so much and my family treated him like "the golden child", now that tragedy struck he is so emotionally detached, and just seems to care less. He is happy and has developed a very separate life that doesn't include our nuclear family, other than on the surface. My remaining family is very cold emotionally, and generally towards me, and not involved in my life. My mom was the exception. There was true love and caring(and still is) between her and I, and I know that will never be replaced. That hurts inside so bad. I don't have a spouse, so I'm now all alone trying to deal with all these emotions that I'm having such a hard time trying to process. As time is passing it's getting harder, as it's all sinking in. I think the burden would be easier if I had some compassionate people in my life, people who care to talk to and spend time with. Whenever I talk about how I feel in the least bit I get the uncomfortable feeling from others that I should just keep a stoic appearance and not make them uncomfortable. That is so, so, isolating.

I also get the message that what I have done has been forgotten, and now I have to "take care of my Dad". Like I didn't give my blood and everything I had and tried to take care of my dearest Momma, and also my father at the time (who is capable of taking care of himself) and try to feed myself and get some rest in the meantime- all forgotten, like it never existed, never happened.

The trauma of witnessing all that I saw to the one most special and dear to my heart, gives me this daily horrible pain in my chest that I wake up with, like someone's ripping my heart to pieces and I can't breathe. I have horrible nightmares all the time, and go from not sleeping at all, to sleeping 16 hours. I have dreams that I have cancer, that spiders are coming out of people's mouth's and last night that a spider laid a web around most of my body and as I tried to peel it off, it was like a flesh eating virus and my lower layer of epidermis was exposed, looking something like raw prosciutto ham, even on my private parts. Very disturbing.

Nothing at all interests me, even things I did enjoy. I'm so lost, I have no idea what to do with myself or where even I want to be in the future. I can't think of anything. I can't even think of a single thing I want or really want to do in general. Nothing has any meaning anymore. I don't even know what I want to do career wise, as I quit my job to be with my Momma and take care of her, and been running off of savings I've built up. I don't even care about that as work in this current condition doesn't seem like it will be happening very soon. I'm having a hard enough time trying to keep myself together right now. Nothing seems to be going the right way or making sense. I feel like I'm in some parallel universe where everything I would never want to have happen, has.

If I go out in public alone I feel so dead inside, I don't relate to anyone and everyone feels so "far" away, like they're not even real. Sometimes it's nice though just to get out and talk to a stranger, because the people I do have as remaining family that are supposed to be there for me are non existent, or just don't want to help. I think they see me as some kind of emotional problem they don't want to deal with. "If you just ignore it, it'll go away", is how my family has worked, and to some degree some of my friends also. I do have a couple friends who are very supportive, but they have their own lives which are very busy, but do manage to make some time for me. That really helps when that happens. I've had counseling in the past for depression, which had been mildly effective at best. I still try. It seems to be difficult to find someone who is skilled enough to actually really help.

The people who do try to help say things like "she's in a beautiful place", and "you've got such a great future the sky's the limit!". Really? It's only been a COUPLE of weeks, are you really saying that right now?? I know people mean the best and are trying, but really that is way too soon. If they understood how I've been feeling, they wouldn't say that. Actually some do know, and still say those things.

I put all my effort and time into helping my mom, and because I only wanted to see her get better. She did too. Now I don't know what to do. I feel like I've been left in this horrible place without my one true north, my rock, my best friend. A mother can never be replaced. She was the one I'd go to to tell her about my day, and she would to me. We'd both make each other feel better when the other was down, and were each other's personal cheering section. I have a hard time getting close to people and making bonds that seem to last, I'm not exactly sure why that is because I try to be the best friend I can be. My mom was always there and I feel like maybe I took that for granted in thinking she'd always would be. I've done a lot of things in life but I knew she was always there for me and just a phone call away. No matter how far I travelled, I could always call her and tell her what was going on in my life and share feelings and emotions with her, as she would. That's what moms do, they love you unconditionally, pick you up when you're down, and make you feel safe and loved.

I know time is supposed to help but I don't know how I'm going to get through all of this. With all the circumstances I'm going through, it's making it even harder. Though I hate to say this in regards to the fact of having anyone suffer, it is comforting to know there are people out there going through similar pain and experiences that I am. No one I know in real life has gone through something like this. It makes it harder to relate to someone who doesn't understand the pain you're experiencing so intensely.

There's such a big hole. It hurts so bad. If you've never been that close to somebody, you have no idea how it feels. I try to block my mind from thinking anything, and that has been working temporarily, but I know it's going to catch up to me. I just want to hear her voice, and talk to her. I would be telling her all these things and talking to her, now I have nobody. I try to fake it and make like I'm okay, because people don't want to know how you're really doing. The more time passes, the more scared I get for how I'm going to deal with this.

[cindyjane]

I am so sorry for your loss.  In reading your post, it is so clear the love that you and your mom have shared.  That love will never leave you and is a gift that you will carry for life.  In reading your post I see that you've been blessed with many gifts.  Although the time you spent with your mom when she got sick was difficult, every moment you spent with her is a gift.  Being with her during her last breath is a gift.  Caring for her is a gift.  You may not see these things as gifts but as you heal from this heavy loss, you will.  

 

Your siblings sound so much like mine.  One thing I've learned with the loss of my mom last year, then my dad a few months ago is that everyone grieves differently.  I find that those who look after our loved ones go through the toughest time.  That is my experience but now in looking back ... I wouldn't have traded that role for anything.  I don't think there is a right or wrong way to grieve as long as during that process we are doing what we can to look after ourselves.  

 

Take the time to go through the grieving process....welcome the tears as they are healing and know that all that you are going through is very normal.  Take care and thanks for sharing about the wonderful relationship between you and your dear mom.

 

God bless you

Cindy Jane

[BaileyB]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

It is important that you talk, and if you don't have anyone in your life to talk with, it is important to find a counsellor, a priest, or a grief support group that you can join.

I too cared for my mom when she had cancer. With time, it will be easier to remember your memories from before her diagnosis. A counsellor once told me to try not to focus on the memories of her illness, because you will continue to "traumatized yourself" if you do. I wrote them all down in a journal, to get them out! And I try to remember the person my mom was before she got sick... Because I know that is how she would want to be remembered.

All the best to you.

[silverkitties]

I was thinking of posting a story about my own grief, when I happened to see yours, Newbie. Your post sounds so eerily similar to a thread I was about to start: the only difference is that I have no siblings and my father has been such an uncooperative burden (especially now that I am doing everything in the house.)  There is no one with whom I feel intimate either so my loneliness hurts like mad. I can imagine all too well how you're feeling as I've experienced what you've described; I'll try to keep the details brief since I don't want to hijack your thread.

 

Basically, my mother passed away from bile duct cancer in early October. She was diagnosed in late June on what we thought would be an ordinary visit to her personal physician. Instead, it got worse and worse that day as the ultrasound revealed that she had deep vein thrombosis and pulmonary embolism; afer a night at the hospital, it was discovered she had cancer. It was a devastating diagnosis; but we had some hope since she'd always been so healthy. Plus, we had read of some 80-plus-year olds who managed to live several years beyond the initial prognosis. However, although she had some good days, she began to deteriorate until she was sent to the ER on Sept. 20. Just when we thought she was about to be discharged--she seemed to be recovering from what the docs thought was pneumonia--she had a major stroke a week later and died in six days. 

 

I felt like quitting my own job but didn't, mostly because I had fought so hard to get the class I was teaching (long story). But the first few days were complete hell as I was expected to give a paper at a conference, prepare a lecture for my students, get a chapter to my publisher and an article to another--on top of getting my mom cremated, catching up with all the finances (she had handled everything), and preparing for her memorial services. I felt even more alone since I was handling all of it myself. To top it all off, I could not find any appropriate grief hotlines.

 

I know how crushing the loneliness can feel--especially when your mom has been your best friend and closest confidant. Mine was also my very source of comfort and inspiration. Even when we didn't live together, we called each other on a near daily basis. I don't know if you're old enough to remember that '70s tune by Helen Reddy, "You and me against the world," but it describes our relationship so perfectly.  I now feel exceptionally lost without her; it hurts not to see her smile, not to hear her voice, not to smell her perfume.  In the first few weeks after her death, sunny days felt horrible as I was saddened that my mom (who enjoyed beautiful scenery) could not enjoy our fall foliage: the most stunning since we moved here to CT. Yet, cloudy, rainy days, also reminded me of the week that she had her stroke and the very day she died when it poured. In fact, the rain and clouds that seemed to gather on every Saturday made it seem as if nature herself were mourning her.

 

It can hurt so much when you go to places for the first time since your mom's passing. It hit me when I was doing grocery shopping for the first few times after her death. When I took my dad to do his lab work and have lunch at the neighboring restaurant, I kept thinking of the time when we brought mom to both places. And when we went to the DMV, I thought of the last time I was there--with my mom. I thought her memorial service right before Thanksgiving would make me feel better, but it didn't: it seemed as the passing of that event was only one more loss.

 

Even after nearly three months since her death, every day, every hour, and every minute brings some reminder. Sometimes the skies and the air remind me of the times she visited me in England. And if I'm going through my emails and document files, I remember the movies we were watching and our weekly jaunts to the shops. Listening to old songs inevitably brings back memories of the things I did with her then. It hurts when I'm browsing online and find something she likes: I instinctively want to say "Mom, you would love this jacket!"--before realizing a split second later that I can't. Just like when the term ended last week:  I wanted to shop with her--before realizing too that she wasn't there. Like you, others have told me things like "well, she was old and lived a good life." Or "at least she's not suffering." Yes, I know all this. But no one can ever understand the depth of my relationship with her and the pain that comes from missing everything about her--even though it's futile.  

 

Ironically, the only thing that has kept me sane was my teaching; it was the only relief from my feelings of overwhelming sadness and depression. At the moment, I am feeling a little better if only because I am returning to the textbook I was supposed to complete this fall: it was something my mom wanted me to finish as she told me many times before her death. (Mom, this is for you!) I try to remind myself that she also told me she did not want me to mourn forever; that I must keep living and exploring my potential. After all, that's why she made so many sacrifices for me. 

 

This activity has actually begun to cheer me up a little. I'm wondering too if there is some activity that you might try--eventually. (Yes, it can feel impossible when one is slogging through finances and probate proceedings.) Judging from all that you have said about your mother, it seems that she'd want much the same for you. I don't think either of us can ever forget too soon our feelings of grief--because they will hit us hard on the anniversaries of those events (the diagnoses, the hospital stays, etc.), but I also hope that we can do what our moms would want for us: to thrive, to explore, and maybe one day, to savor life again. 

[silverkitties]

Oops, sorry--I got your handle wrong, Never Better.

[rose73]

I lost my mum on the 13th dec she had a massive heart attack she was 59.

She was the kindest and most beautiful mum

in the world.

I dont know how to handle my grief as im.the eldest of 5 siblings and have to be strong for my dad and brothers and sisters.

[Never better]

Thank you Cindy Jane and Silver Kitties for your responses, they resonate with me. Thank you to everyone as well who has taken the time to respond.

I do know the song Me And You Against The World, that's exactly how it feels between my Mom and I. I haven't gone back to work yet, as I'm afraid that I won't be able to hold it together or will feel so empty at the end of the day. I agree being her caretaker is a gift, and I wouldn't had it any other way. It's more maddening now to me that no one talks about her, or even the fact that I was doing my best to try to get her better. It's like it never happened. Like she never happened. I bring her up, just random things about what she went through or general things with relatives and other people, and they just gloss over it like I never said anything. Maybe it's hard to for them or their grieving in their own way, but I can't just not talk about her. When I was taking care of her all I heard was how I'm such a good daughter and what a blessing of a job I'm doing, now nothing. Nobody seems to even ask how I'm doing. I don't mean to complain because my Mom went through so much more than me and I hurt so bad for that, it's just so strange that now it seems all is forgotten. I'm now also expected to take care of my dad (who is in relatively good health), just hey, move on from the huge trauma and stress I went through and just go right into taking care of him as well, when I can barely take care of myself right now. I miss my Mom so much, she was my family and now with her not here I feel so abandoned and alone. I feel scared all the time, and so isolated. At the house it feels so empty, and deafeningly silent. People send cards of sympathy to my Dad on the loss of his wife, and none are addressed or even mention me. It's like I don't exist. I was the one who was closest to her and took care of her, and I lost my best friend. Yet nobody seems to acknowledge that, and just ask how my Dad is doing and how hard it must be for him.

I started going to the gym recently and that has helped take my mind of things and focus on something for a while, and it's seemed to help a bit. Other than that I feel so lost, and directionless. I just want to hug my Mom, there's no substitute for her. Nothing feels right, I feel like I'm in this parallel universe where everything I never would want to happen, has. My dad has always been very uninvolved in my life and almost like a stranger, we don't have much in common and though I've tried in the past to work on that relationship, he's been just as uninterested as he ever was. My Mom equals love to me because she always showed it to me and was interested in my life and always truly cared. The only real bond I have with my dad is that we both love my Mom, although he was really bad at showing it to her a lot of the time and spent most of his time watching television (wasn't a new development). That had an effect on her, and on me.

Now I don't have her, I feel so empty inside and alone. I don't take pleasure in the things I used to do, I really don't know where to go from here. It would help if I had support from family but I don't. Even just a friend to offer me to come over and watch a movie or something would be helpful. People say things like let me know if you need anything then I tell them I'd just like to have someone to listen, and then I don't hear from them. People who were standards in my life have gone away, like they were never there. Maybe they're dealing with their own grief, so I give them the benefit of the doubt. It just makes me feel even more isolated and alone in dealing with this. They don't really matter though, the one who matters most is not here with me, and that is so painful. I feel so bad for what my Mom had to go through, she was such a good person. I feel guilty I couldn't help her. I told her I would take care of her and I failed. I know it's not my fault but I feel so incredibly bad. I feel like I let her down ;-(

I've gone to a therapist, but all they do is just listen to you, and not much else. I don't know what they can do, I guess. The ones I've gone to don't seem to have any tools to give to help cope, I just leave the sessions empty and back to everything I'm trying to deal with. I have terrible insomnia and all the details of the time and things I saw and went through with my Mom come back to me at night. I have to distract myself, or I'll lose it.

I don't know what to do, it just seems to get harder with every day that passes. I feel like I'm the only one going through it, and have nowhere to turn. Why do some people get to go on, and others have to suffer? I see older people walking around and I think that should be my Mom, she deserves to be here too. She wanted to be, and fought so hard. She never gave up, my Momma. Tough lady, and the most beautiful woman in the world. My heart is so empty.

[silverkitties]

NeverBetter, I don't know if this is any comfort, but I know where you're coming from--because I am feeling and experiencing much the same.

 

Some days are OK: those are the days when I have new projects to occupy me, new books, or discussions, either by phone or online.

 

But there are days from hell too--and sometimes, anything can trigger them. Vacuuming always seems to get me: on cloudy days, I am inevitably reminded of the time when I was excited about her return from rehab back in May. It always makes me feel wistful because I had so much hope then as she seemed to be recovering quickly. Then the other day, when I thought I felt good and happened to be vacuuming. I found a lunch receipt from the day she died. Needless to say, it sent me into a blue funk. 

 

If I'm already feeling depressed, going through my files can make me feel even more so as the dates bring back memories of everything I was doing then. Even going through one particular Word program can trigger memories of the day she had her first stroke. Certain meals will remind me of our times together. Believe it or not, looking at clothes and make-up I bought last year can also bring back memories as I remember what she said or what I wore when I saw her in the hospital. And as I probably mentioned earlier, going to places where I last visited with her. I have not wanted to go to the mall since I associate it with her.

 

(I guess this is one of the occupational hazards of a historian--you can't forget dates, times, and memories!)

 

I can't absolutely complain that no one will talk to me; my mom's closest cousin sometimes does. I felt almost relieved when she started crying as she told me how much she missed her; it gave me a chance to cry too. Some of my relatives have started communicating with me more frequently, at least ever since my mom had her first stroke. But I feel awkward discussing my feelings with them--just as I do with my closest friends. Sometimes when they call, we don't discuss my mom--if partly because I'm not in the mood. At other times, I do want to call and talk about her but am afraid of outstaying my welcome. To top it all off, no one lives nearby: they're all in other states.  What I really want is to chat anonymously, to talk to someone who's actually experienced the death of a much loved parent (and hasn't heard me umpteen times), but there are none for our type of bereavement: the assumption being that it is so natural for a parent to die. The church is off limits for me and I refuse to go to the hospital where my mother died. (I never thought her doctors helped her much.)

 

Like you, I resent some of the local community who are only concerned about my father--even though he did practically zip for her. It's partly cultural, but it still pi$$es me off royally.  (Frankly, I had always wondered why my mom remained married to him for some 53 years!) They will ask how he's coping and remind me to take care of him. It's like adding insult to injury--even though they are not aware that he helped HASTEN my mother's death by being generally uncooperative.  No one knows that he never lifted a finger to help, even if he "brought home the bacon." My mom was the one making EVERY sacrifice for us: he never cared--never cared about how either of us felt, never gave us presents, and only cared about his rubbish research and his students. He didn't bother sending an obituary to their native country in a timely matter (over 50 days!); because of that, it never got printed. (Meanwhile, I wrote one for her in the very week that I had to give a speech at another college and prepare a lecture for my students!)  To tell the truth, I don't know how long he would have lasted after his quadruple bypass in 2004 if it hadn't been for my mom's devoted care--which he honestly DID NOT DESERVE IN ANY WAY, FORM, OR SHAPE.  My mom was the one doing everything--the finances, taxes, housekeeping, etc.--while he would go to bed at all hours, get up at 2-3 pm and be generally uncooperative. 

 

So, yes, I feel all alone too--apart from feeling worried about the crises in my life. When my mother was alive, I had her love and support to weather me through whatever problems (or triumphs) I had at work or in my personal life. She may not have approved of everything I did but always told me that I needed to follow my conviction: this is partly why I've managed to win as many battles as I have at work.  I miss our conversations so much: there is no one I know who can discuss politics, books, movies, fashion, stocks, and just about everything.  Now I have no longer have this constant, loving support, and all the burdens of cleaning and family finances. I have no time for myself--all while that clueless idiot and loser of a father SAPS my strength and energy. (He's working on his book ALL DAY, spends 12 hours sleeping and 4 hours eating even though he has no book contract--while I am the one who has one, but has very little time. It's like he purposely wants to sabotage my life, as he's done many times before. )  

 

One thing that does help me somewhat is listening to poignant aka sappy music: when I have a good cry, it's easier for me to concentrate.  Since you've mentioned work, would it be possible for you to work part time? If your co-workers are decent people, that may be an idea: sometimes being around others helps distract us--in a good way. I know I am generally a bit happier when I have someone to converse with.

 

I wish you the best of luck and hope that you will eventually begin to feel better. I know, it's tougher than either of us could have imagined--even as we knew our mothers would succumb to cancer this past year.

[Trish91]

Dear Silverkitties and Never better,

 

I am truly sorry for the loss of your moms, and I truly understand what you are going through, even if we are completely different people with completely different backgrounds and lives, I still fully sympathize and empathize with you and your sorrow. I know the pain, the desperation, the struggle, the suffering, the anxiety, the fear and the lack of purpose over the loss of my very best friend, my biggest love, my soul sister and my life, my mom. I have been on this really rocky road longer than you two, for 13 awful months already, and I wish I could say it feels a lot better after more than a year, but it doesn't.

 

I had a very close relationship with my mom, we were best friends, we confided in one another on a daily basis, it was us against the world, and that is why it is still as painful or even more so than on day one. Her loss was absolutely traumatic, it was terribly unexpected. I never, in a million years, did I think that she would die of lung cancer, when she hadn't smoked a single cigarette in her life, not even passively, and was a very active and healthy person, mentally and physically, and also very spiritual, and it all happened so very quickly, within four months she deteriorated, and within three weeks after her diagnosis, she passed away and drifted away with the awful pain killers that were being given to her, and we couldn't really talk like we used to........Also, everybody was around, every single family member, thus limiting our privacy......But anyhow, she was in so much pain in the end, that I thank God she passed away as quickly as she did, as it was unbearable to see her suffer without being able to do anything to stop it.

 

Knowing that she had metastatic lung cancer to her pelvic bones and liver read like an absolute death sentence when I heard it from my aunts, her sisters, upon arrival to the airport from my new home on the other side of the Atlantic. It was like a ton of bricks falling over me, and the end of my own life right then and there. After that, I was in absolute shock for about four months, and since then, all I do is fret, long for her, feel guilty, regret not having been a much more helpful, loving and compassionate daughter in her last moments, because I was so shocked and terrified that I could barely function like a robot and get the things that needed to be done on  a daily basis...........At least you both did your best, you were both wonderful daughters. I lived overseas for eleven years, and although we spoke pretty much every day, always two hours at the time, and saw each other regularly, I feel super guilty that she did not have my brother or me nearby because we were both based elsewhere due to work and marriage. I do know that she was truly happy for us, but I just feel terrible, particularly when I read stories like yours, of total devotion and commitment to your moms.

 

It's true that losing one's parents is viewed as normal, but death should be viewed as normal, all deaths, and in turn, people think that a person should move on when their parents die, particularly of natural death, but they don't understand that if you had a very close relationship with them all your life, losing them is like losing part of you, a limb, your soul, your best friend, your everything, it's like living but being partly death inside.

 

I don't have any friends or relatives, except for my brother, who have lost a parent, let alone their moms, so I come to this forum every single day, and when there is nothing new in the Parents section, I go to the loss of a child section, where a group of amazing grieving parents have a fantastic and close knit online community where they truly support and help one another. Why doesn't that exist among us in the Parents section? It seems everybody is ashamed to admit that losing a parent is as debilitating as losing a child, or a husband, or a sibling.........Also, it seems to be shameful to show pain and suffering openly. Nobody wants to be viewed as weak and unable to move on, and people would like to reach out to real people and an online community is an outlet but you cannot see or touch anybody, so it's anonymous, which is great in some respects, but also very lonely. Grieving is so lonely no matter how many people surround you.......Every person feels it differently, and within one family there are some who completely avoid the topic, so I grieve alone, cry alone........I don't tell my friends about how I truly feel. My biggest support has been my husband, he's really stepped up to the plate, even though he's never experienced what I'm experiencing, but he will know it sooner or later, everybody will, but most choose to pretend that it will never happen to them........

 

My dad and I aren't very close either, he has been good to me though, and we love each other, but he wasn't a good husband to my mom, and he was a dad mostly preoccupied with his work and family always came second. He was selfish, aloof and self centered, also boring, the opposite of my very vibrant and amazing mom, but I still love him and could not have dealt with many practicalities without his support. I felt so alone without my mom, I couldn't believe that I was there, in our home, without her....with all her things but not her....

 

My brother is also very different from me, he's more like my dad, and he's got kids and his own business, but also his own guilt. Him and I don't really talk about our feelings very much, so I'm also very lonely in my grief, and I don't attend any counseling or support groups, because I don't know of any good ones, and because I believe that no counselor could really help me unless they have experienced what I am experiencing, the loss of a loved one.......

 

Anyway, sorry for rambling, I always do, I really write these days, because I haven't got too many new things to say, as i haven't really moved on.........or healed, as some call it.....but I wanted to say that I feel your pain and I hear you, and I am here if you want to reach out and write or chat and share the difficulties that we face on a daily basis, and which add up to the routine difficulties of life and work (which is very stressful in my case), and how it's not possible to break down because we aren't allowed to do so.......I don't know about you, but I feel so.........tired all the time too......

 

Warm regards,

 

Trish

[missingmymama]

Hey, I lost my 56 year old mother to lung cancer too, she never smoked..

 

Its been almost 12 months for me, and the pain has not lessen. I cried less, but the pain and the missing is still the same. I can so much relate to you ladies. I have no father, and i feel like a large of me has died. I think about my mother almost every waking hours...even in my sleep, i dreamed of her.

 

There's no words I can say, as i am sure you all know. I just want to point out that I feel the exact same feeling of dreadfulness and hopelessness and depression. I am just going through the motion, I lost my purpose and energy ..

[lissibell31]

hi i am new to here, I have never been on these kind of pages, I feel I need to vent and say some things as im sure everyone on these forums are feeling..there are so many questions as to why my mam and its not fair, but at the end of the day my mam is gone,lung cancer straight to brain and bones, very sudden and i missed to be there by her side as i live in another country (infact she waited till my flight had taken off to pass)but really my mam and i were the closest in the world..people say time makes it easier, but for me time seems to be worse as i miss her more, i know words cant make it better but i hope to speak to people in the same boat and have and maybe give that support to each other may help a little...lisa

[lissibell31]

also just to add i am deeply sorry for all the loss you are all feeling it is not an easy time xxxx

[dvapoetic]

I'm here if you need to speak more about it I know exactly how you feel it's been over 20 years and I miss my mom everyday sometimes you don't know what to say it seems like a part of you as soon as and it seems like you're very envious of everyone else who has their mother.

[dvapoetic]

just checking on you to see how you feel today and I wanted to let you know that you are now a DVA

which stands for Daughter of a Victorious Angel!!!

[PatsSon]

It seems that most peoe on here are dau

[PatsSon]

It seems that most on hopinionsaughters but I am a grieving son. Your story sounds so much like mine its uncanny. I was my mom's caretaker. I too, always spent the night at tbe hospital some or most of the nights she was admitted. Just like you though, near the end I could not bear to see her in the reduced mental capacity that she was in, and so my visits would be limited to 5-10 min. And

During that time I would try my best fight off the crying but not always successful. All of the other minutes in tbe day I would think about her being alone and scared wondering why I wasn't there.

Also you spoke of the images you think about. I can't remember about the good times (awake or dreaming) without flashes of some of the horrible images near tbe end coming in my mind. When I am asleep it is so shocking that it wakes.me straight up from a deep sleep.

It has been 3 weeks for me. My mom had copd for years but she kept it i. Check by exercising alot. Mostley walking. Then she broke her hip and when tbe walking stopped, her illnesses toom over.

I moved in with her 2 years ago to help take care of her and for the last 6 months gave up everything for her because it turned into a full time job. dont get me wrong, that's not me complaining, I wouldn't have had it any other way.

People's stories are not very encouraging either. The majority opinion seems to be that the pain never goes away.

I just turned 49 and my mom was 70. She was my best friend. She was the one person who loved me so unconditionally that even I couldnt screw it up.

[Never better]

Thanks to everyone who has replied. I had posted a reply about a week ago but it posted 3x on accident (got an error message), I asked to have the duplicate posts removed and keep the original, but that one dissappeared as well. Oh well. Not easy to write these things in the first place!

Thank you to all who have replied, I really appreciate it. I also appreciate the personal email messages.

Yes, I think there should be some sort of support group for this, when you love someone it hurts when you lose them, no matter what the relationship is. I don't get why people seem to feel that's so hard to understand? Yes, we're grown people but we are human beings. To lose someone who has been there for you more times than you can count and had been the person you considered your rock and in your corner simply goes away, that leaves a unbelievable chasm in your heart and life. Especially when the remaining family members and outlying friends don't even come close to being there for you or expect you to just get over it. It's not something you get over, you learn to somehow live with it. If that makes people uncomfortable, well how many times have we been uncomfortable taking care of our dear Mothers, and the pain we feel? I feel it everyday. Shocking the attitude people have toward death, they are so scared to hear about any emotions you have, at least the people I've been around. People feel so much more comfortable if you never bring it up, like it didn't happen. This makes the person going through emotional pain feel even more isolated.

Thanks for your reply Pat's son, it must have been hard for you. It was very hard for me too at the end but I didn't leave my Mother's side, only to shower or freshen up, and someone else was there to be with her while I did that. I could not leave her, I didn't want her to be or feel alone. It was my job to take care of her and I did, very willingly. It was very hard at the end, but I still stayed in the room with her holding her hand. The last night though it was all too much at I told her I couldn't lay with her and hug her like I was doing before but that I was right next to her on the couch, and that I just needed to rest a little bit there, but that I was still very much here with her. Then everything happened a few hours later. I know she wanted me to be there with her always, so I was- I am her emotional support as she is mine. I knew I was going deeper into pain for myself but I knew I had to do it. I knew the effect of getting even closer emotionally was going to have deep traumatic effects on me in the long run, but it was no question what I knew I had to do. I wouldn't have done it any other way. I know she would have done the same for me. That's real love, on both sides.

That's why it's so hard to think it's gone, and where in the world I would find that true love and dedication again. You don't. The Mother/child bond is the strongest one, and I would've given my life for her if I could have. I didn't want to see her in any pain, and I know she wouldn't want that for me. The rest of my family, that's a whole other story. She is my best friend, and the best thing that ever happened to me (I know she felt the same). Now I have to navigate a life with distant uncaring family members, when my Mom was my only family to me. Not a day goes by that I don't miss her terribly, or feel that magnitude of her loss.

[silverkitties]

I just wanted to chime in again, even though every time I visit this site, my computer seems to slow down (malware issues?): at least, i started to notice it last month.

 

Never Better, thank you for starting your wonderful thread where you've gone through your experiences in such eloquent detail. I keep coming back here if only because this seems to be the only place where I can address my own grief and not feel embarrassed.  There does seem to be a cultural stigma against grief, even though we're all told "it's natural": and sometimes, as Trish noted, it seems to apply even more to grieving for parents.

 

Why is it so--apart from the fact that it is supposed to be "natural" and inevitable? Is it because we in the West are encouraged to be "independent?" Or is it that we are all assumed to have developed other relationships, especially with a husband and family--and that therefore we have all the support we need?  

 

I will say this much: it IS possible to be devoted to one's parents--and be independent. And that as a single, I highly resent the cultural prejudice that deems those childless or never married as somehow "lacking" in personhood: that something must be wrong with us. That our needs go against the grain. So that while it's OK to talk about your loss for one's husband, wife, fiancee, girlfriend/boyfriend, son, or daughter, it is not so much to discuss grieving for one's parent.   For many of us who are single at the time of our bereavement (i.e., no current love interest), our closest relationships are going to be with parents, best friends, and/or caring relatives. (Notice I did not say close relatives, because we can sometimes be emotionally and intellectually distant from them.)  And yes, pets.

 

The fact is, ALL losses need to be acknowledged: whether it is a parent, spouse, child ,sibling, friend, pet. I absolutely deplore statements like: "Grief over a lost son or daughter is the worst." "Well, it's only a pet." "Nothing compares to the loss of a husband/wfie." Excuse me, who are you to judge--I snap back? There is NO type of death that is "worse" or "better" than another as it all depends on one's relationship with any given person. For people who love AND feel most loved by their spouse, that loss is going to hurt the most. And for those who are close to their children, that loss will be no less bitter. Conversely, for those who've ever resented a husband or parent, that loss may not be as significant as another. 

 

It goes without saying that for those who've enjoyed the closest relationship with their parent, the loss of that parent is going to hurt most. Grief can come in waves too: sometimes the weather will remind us of a particular moment we shared with them. Sometimes clothes will bring back memories. And when you are virtually alone with few friends or any kind of support system nearby, it can feel overwhelming. You can feel doubly lonely when you see so many people enjoying themselves with others--happy couples, families, etc. You can feel lonelier still when others--including widows--tell you to get over it: it's easy for them when they have children of their own, parents, or any other network. At least, this is the attitude I'm encountering some five months later. 

 

Never Better, I hope you will feel better one day. I realize it doesn't sound very convincing from me as it's 5 months after my mom's passing and I'm still grieving. Yet, I'm glad you've come here to share your experiences. I would not want to say misery loves company, but at least I know I'm not alone in missing my mom so terribly after decades of a close relationship and a year of caretaking. (Even now, I look somewhat wistfully at her pills, and wish I were still able to give them to her. I still cannot bear to look into the bag of clothes that I brought to the hospital in the belief that she would wear them for her return home.) Please update us and let us know how you are doing. Whatever your relationships with those around you, you will still have our understanding and empathy. 

[cindyjane]

Hi never better and everyone else

 

Some heart wrenching stories here of great loss.  My heart goes out to all of you.

 

Although it's been 17 months since losing my mom and 6 months since losing my dad, I still miss them both as much as I did the day they both left this life.  I doubt that will ever change, however with this time that is passing I am able to see more and more of the blessings of having them both for parents.

 

In seeing the blessings, the heaviness of my heart is lifting.  I still do feel great sadness in missing them but in seeing the blessings the sadness lifts.

 

I want to share something that I think most of us experience after the loss of a parent(s).  Our friends, co-workers and other family members express their condolences but unless they've been through this kind of loss, the don't really get it.  I know that I sure didn't get it until my mom's passing.  That being said, if a friend lost a parent I would give them my deepest condolences and I really did feel sad for them but the truth is, until I experienced such a loss I just didn't get it.  I sure do now though and when someone goes through the loss of a loved one ... I get it!  I truly do know what they are going through.

 

As for other family members, I stopped trying to figure out where they were coming from and why they didn't wish to talk about our feelings.  Instead I've decided to reflect on my parents and what kind of people they were and what they would want for me.  I keep coming back to the same thing.  Neither of them would want me to be feeling crippled inside over them leaving.  They would want me to carry on and be the best person I can be.  They would want me to be there for others who are going through rough times and they would want me to know that they are OK now and that one day we WILL meet again.

 

I've also become more spiritual since losing my parents and have to say that the most comfort I have gotten since losing my parents is from GOD.  I pray to Him daily and ask for His comfort and He brings me comfort when I feel sad.  HE also gives me the strength to carry on and be of help to others...whether it is being there for someone else in trying times, giving a homeless person a few bucks, or just saying something kind to another person.  In doing those little things I believe they are smiling down on me.

 

I hope this helps

take care

Cindy Jane

 

[Everly]

neverbetter... I know how hard it is.  I have just accepted the fact that my life completely turned upside down and I don't expect thing to be the same, EVER!  That means my relationships with people, how I feel during the day doing simple things like shopping, how I feel watching a TV program, how I feel at the gym... I expect NOTHING to be the same... and that has helped.

 

My Mom passed on 10/13/14 and she was my best friend ever.  I am 52yo and she was 80yo.  I loved her with all my heart and would have given my life for her.  I helped her as he got older, helped her with her finances, she was my best friend.  We talked 5x a day, I saw her all the time.  It's tragic that she is gone, and I am sad and mad and I am different, so much different.

 

The same thing has happened to me where people want to gloss over talking about her..that happened soon after she died when all I wanted to do was talk about her.  I wanted to die so bad, it hurt so bad.  I quickly stopped talking to them about her, in fact I stopped talking to them period.  It might not be the best and healthiest way to handle it, but it helped with the frustration I was feeling when I was getting the compassion and understanding and listening that I felt I deserved.  Now I have narrowed my friends down to almost none, but that's okay... I am grieving and my life is different and I know in time it will find it's way.  I don't need to be around people who won't understand about my Mom... I won't do it, she deserved so much more than that.

 

I am married and thankfully my husband is supportive. I have three siblings and two of them I can talk to, one of them I don't really talk with about this cause he wants to call the shots even though my Mom is not here... I'm too old and tired for that crap.

 

I just want you to know you are not alone.  Please don't feel alone.  What you are feeling is very normal.  People who didn't love their mother like we did, don't have a clue about this kind of pain.  So we just don't go to them for support, we find it elsewhere or we give it to ourselves.

 

We are here for you, I am here for you.  I hope you are doing better... lots of hugs and prayers you way.  Please reach out if you need to chat.

[AndyDNYC]

Thank you so much for posting, Never Better. While I can't relate to all of your story I do relate to the PTSD aspects of it. My mother passed on February 16th. I too have some kinds of flashbacks of the time that my mom was dying. Thankfully we knew the end was near and we put her in home hospice but she had a lot of pre-terminal agitation and would yell out "Help" a lot. We put her on some strong anti psychotic meds to calm her in the end but the yelling out part was very traumatic for me. Somehow I managed to hold myself together through all of the memorials and burial. I read somewhere that caring for the dying person is supposed to be helpful for dealing with grief and loss. I would suggest maybe an in person group therapy for bereavement if you can find one where you live. Maybe the hospital where your mom passed might have one or be able to suggest to you a good group. Also it might be helpful for you to keep some things that remind you of your mom. I kept some of my mom's perfume and smelling it really helps and makes me feel comforted.

[PatsSon]

AndyDNYC, It's good to see another son on here, And my name is Andy too. But im writing because it's the "PTSD", I guess, that is getting to me too. I have nightmares about some of the images I have seen. Near the end, my skinny, small framed mama swelled so big that the water exceded her skin's capacity and started to cause huge blisters on her legs. The largest ones I have ever seen in my 49 years. After they came open it left big gaping holes in her legs.

One day I walked in Her Hospital room and she had dark (almost black) cake frosting all on her face and chest. Her legs, hanging off the side of the bed were covered in blood. At first the frosting appeared to be blood too and I was horrified. This image haunts almost every waking moment as we as turning any dream I could have had of my mama into a nightmare. When I dream of that image it shocks me so bad that my eyes pop open aaki.g me up from the deepest sleep.

I am sorry if the description is graphic but I couldn't think of another way to tell it.

Andy A. Atlanta

[Mum]

I hope that we all will find peace sometime,all have suffered soooo much!!!!

[Never better]

Thank you to all that have responded. Pat's Son, your story is so unbelievably heart wrenching. What you saw sounds like a nightmare to the highest degree. I'm so sorry you had to see and go through that, I can't even imagine the images you described. That would have destroyed me, even more than what I witnessed.

I've found a mode of therapy called EMDR very helpful (and I think you might too) for the traumatic things I saw. I too have an extremely hard time sleeping, and was having very horrible nightmares every night. There's a counselor I've been seeing who also does this therapy so I thought whatever might help (I had done it in the past with very little success). I've found that my nightmares has dissipated a great deal and currently don't seem to be as vivid. I would definitely suggest you look it up and try it. I know how you feel. it's the worst feeling that you can't even get some rest and peace at night, even when you're sleeping. It's enough to struggle so much when you're awake, I really do understand.

Thanks also AndyDNYD and Retz62 for your thoughts and suggestions. I'm glad that God is helping you CindyJane, though I've prayed and prayed for help I haven't felt there was anything out there helping me, but I'm willing and open to the idea of it. I would really like that to be real for me. Also that would mean that my Mom is in a better place, which is what I would want more than anything.

I don't want this thread to come away from the fact of how much I love my Mom and how important of a beautiful human being she is to me. Of course the family issues and the way things have gone since I got to be with her just a few months ago are very trying and make things harder, the fact is, I love her more than anything in the world and everything and any other situation is so secondary compared to her. It does make it harder, but the hardest fact is that I can't hug her and tell her how much I love her. I do everyday all through the day still, and did when she could hear me and hug me back. I hope she can hear me now.

I love you Momma, more than anything in the world. My Momma :-)

[Never better]

I miss you Momma, so much. My best friend, my comfort, my strongest supporter, the most beautiful person I know inside and out.

It's coming on a milestone, and I don't know how I'm going to deal with it. It's now been more than just a couple of months, I can't just stay in the newness of that. I'm afraid as more time passes and significant milestones come up (as one is), not to mention Mother's Day, I'm going to lose it all over again. I would get her something special and flowers of course, and we'd go out to a wonderful dinner, or I would make her something or get her a nice cake (and a best Mother in the the world balloon). I still have the picture of just that from 2 years ago. She always said don't get me anything but of course I would, because I love her so!

I will still get her flowers of course and be with her, but it's not the way it should be.

I had been doing better with crying and my nightmares had lessened, but now my insomnia is worsening again and the horrible nightmares are coming back. I've been to several therapists but nothing seems to really help. I feel like I'm an empty shell and no one even asks or talks about her anymore (most didn't really after everything either, just sweep feelings under the rug and don't talk about it), which is more than bothersome. I know people don't want to talk about this stuff. But she is the most important person to me so how could I not want to talk about her? (I don't anymore, I just talk to her in my head).

I just feel hollow, life feels that way too. I feel like I don't have much worth because I don't have anyone to bounce things off or really share what's going on inside me (I have some friends but it's not to the extent I would share with my Momma, we both understood each other so well). I feel completely alone in the world, my best support and the one who was always on my side isn't here with me now. I know I have to be there for myself, but truly, even doing new things and stuff I've thought I'd want to try only gives me temporary enjoyment. I get home and want to share it with the most important person in my whole life who always cared and loves me, my Mom, and I can't. It makes me feel so empty. I feel so alone.

What do you do when you feel like you're running out of options? I've been exercising, thinking positive, doing everything I can to try and feel better, but nothing is seeming to work. It seems the more time that passes, the less hope I have that anything will get any better. My family doesn't talk, my Mom was my family and now I feel shipwrecked at sea, wave after wave, beating me down. I don't feel there's much left.

I miss you so much Momma. I would do anything to have been able to help you and make things better. That's how it's supposed to be. Me and you against the world! Now I suffer your loss in silence and solitude. I'm afraid of the effect it's having on me.

[silverkitties]

Neverbetter, you've summed up so many of my own feelings--and so poignantly too. I'm not sure there is anything I can add, especially as tears are already streaming down my face.

 

But I will say this: your Mom was so fortunate to have such a loving daughter like you. And you were so fortunate to have a mom who loved you so completely, so unreservedly.

 

You've made me want to learn about her. What did you love in her? What favorite moments did you share? That is, if you don't mind discussing them. Sometimes I find that writing about my experiences with my mom helps me less lonely: because those great moments can never be taken from me even if I know that I'll never experience them again.

 

Bless you and bless your Momma. I hope for your sake--and mine--that there is an afterlife and that we will be happily reunited with the best people we've ever known.

[Never better]

It's been a year passing now, and I can't believe it. I thought maybe after the anniversaries past this month I would feel a little better, but it seems that things are getting worse, and I'm having a hard time putting a good face on it anymore. Now with the more time passes, it's really starting to dig in. I'm having so much trouble with depression, and soul wrenching lonlieness. I've been waking up feeling like everything is happening again, and waking from terrible nightmares, that makes reality feel like a nightmare I can't shake.

My Mom was kind, always there for me, I always knew she love me and I her, I felt safe in the world because I knew she was always there for me and I trusted her completely, she was my rock, and I hers. Now I feel afraid in the world even though that's silly because I'm a full grown adult, but I don't have much as far as support from other people, and almost none from my remaining family. My souls feels so tired.

It's hard going through the game of life when you feel it's all by yourself. Especially without the one person you never even thought about losing.

My Momma loved garden and loved to play the piano (I do as well). She adored roses, liked to sow, go out to little dinners when possible, and family was the most important thing in the world to her. And she was the most beautiful woman in the world, no offense to anyone else's mom but I always told her she should've been a model or a movie star, she really was tremendously gorgeous. And loved. Very much loved, because I know I told her every day and showed her. I just want to hug her and tell her everything's going to be alright, she would tell me too, and that she believes in me and is proud of me, and loves me so much as I do her.

Other people seem to come and go in my life and I don't really know why, I try to be the best friend and person I can be. I have one really good friend who is very supportive and really cares, everyone else doesn't want to hear about how I'm doing or avoids the subject. I'm so grateful to have such a caring friend but I'm really weary of overwhelming her. These feelings are way too heavy for anyone to bear, especially someone as sensitive as I am. It hurts so bad. The loneliness kills, and I can't even find anything to help numb the pain anymore which terrifies me. I go out and have been trying to meet new people and still am going to therapy, but it doesn't seem to be helping. It would be nice to know I have support and people I can talk to who are there for me.

No one understands me like my Mom, and I just wish I could hear her voice and make her some chicken soup that she loved (her mom's recipe), and see her smile and feel good again. Help her cook her favorite recipes in the kitchen and talk about how her day went, and whatever else was on her mind. And hugs. Big hugs while we watch some television.

I love you Mom, more than words could ever express, or begin to. My beautiful Momma.

I can't stop crying and make the pain go away. I don't want to feel hollow anymore. I've lost so much weight. I don't have an appetite and find it hard to get myself to eat, I'm just not hungry anymore.