watched my mother die on Christmas day

[breea11]

I just lost my mom on Christmas day. It's been a long hard struggle for the past 12 years. The first time we thought we were going to loose her, she had a heart attack about 12 years ago. She came through that ok but my once energetic vibrant mother who always looked about 10 years younger than she was ,started slowing down. Then about 3 years after that she was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer . We were told she had 6 months to a year at best. She had radiation and chemo. They also did radiation on her brain. This changed my mom forever. She became scared of everything constantly worried about things that had no need to be worried about her short term memory started to fade but she survived . She beat one of the most deadliest cancers . Then she developed more complications with her heart. She need oxygen pretty much all the time . Ended up getting a pacemaker,had surgery on her corotidid arteries twice , and developed COPD. Every time the phone rang and it was a family member my heart would sink what's happened now? Well at the end of July I got one of those phone calls my mom had fallen ,she had a hematoma on her tailbone and was in a lot of pain and admitted to the hospital. I live 4 hours away from my mom so it's never an easy task getting to her. When I arrived at the hospital she was disoriented and seeing things that were not there. It was the beginning of the end. My heart was broken. My best freind my mother who had already been through so much was starting to loose her long battle. It was decided that she would have to go into a nursing home for rehab in hopes to regain her strength.She hated every minute of it. They took away any dignity she had left. The facility was understaffed and poorly managed and left my mother severely malnourished and even sicker than when she went in.It was decide she could never return home again as she was beyond living alone and needed 24 hour care . We worked feverishly to find a place closer to home . We finally found a nice place to except her and had it all arranged to have her brought home to us.well that didn't get to happen. Instead she was admitted back to the hospital with pneumonia. Xray showed after almost a week being in the hospital her chest filled with fluid . She was scheduled to have that removed and then a broncoscopy to remove all the mucus from her lungs. Both very risky proceedures. It was a horrible Rollercoaster ride of ups and downs.we watched her struggle to breath basically drowning in her own fluid ,the with each proceedures she seemed to improve . We though she would pull through and be home for Christmas. I stayed by her side all day. Everyday I could. After her last procedure she was very confused ,but her breath had improve dramatically.I was going to go back to house to get some rest and she begged me not to leave her alone (she never does this,usually it's get home before dark watch for the deer ext...) so I stayed the night with her at the hospital but explained to her I needed to go back home the next day and in a few days she would be coming to. She became very frightened and kept saying how would she know how to get out if i left her. No matter what I said she would not calm down. One of the nurses tried to calm her down and she sated I will be fine as long as my laurie is here (me). My heart was breaking. At 3 that morning she woke struggling to breath ,her chest had already started filling back up with fluid. By 10 that morning she crashed . They intabated her but mom had a dnr so after it was determinded there was nothing left that could be done .hospice was called in. I sat by her side telling her it was ok to go . She did not have to fight any longer . She died on Christmas day at 930 pm . They say that most people have relief after watching a loved one die. They have no more pain and struggles. I am greatful she is with God and no longer struggling and pain free. But relief. .. all I feel is an incredible emptyness. I don't know how to function ,my heart is broken. My mom was my best friend . I have 5 brothers and I'm the only girl . So it was always me and her,just us girls. She was my rock for so many difficult times in my life. I feel haunted by the last 2 weeks. I feel helpless and cheated . I miss her so bad. Thanks for hearing my story .

[cindyjane]

HUGS Breea

 

I am so sorry for all that you've been through and the loss of your dear mother.  Although my mom was doing well (given many health problems over the years), her last 6 weeks of life in the hospital were very hard to witness being she was so sick and in pain.  

 

I am so sorry that your mother went through so much in the past 12 years.  It sounds like she was one tough lady who overcame many troubles.  To us who are left behind after the passing of a loved one, it appears that all battles can't be won but my personal belief is that your mother won the biggest battle of all ... she made it "home" to the Lord.  

 

I can relate to the feelings you are going through after all of this.  I'd like to share the thing that helped me so much when my mom left us (14 months ago).  My dad who was also in poor health at the time (passed away 3 months ago) told me this; "we don't get over it - we get on with it."  Those were such words of wisdom and after my mom left us, he did just that!  He got on with it.  Yes, he had very sad times, shed many tears but he also continued to work in his garden, go out for coffee with his friends, clean his place, get groceries, pay bills, visit relatives, etc.  In watching him over those 11 months I learned so much. Now that he is gone too, I am trying to do what he did ... getting on with it.  I also shed many tears over both of my parents but I went back to work after some time off, I get together with friends and co-workers, clean my house, walk the dog, and I know in my heart that this is what both of my parents would want.  They would want us to keep going.

 

On a final note, I am not religious but am very spiritual and in the past year I've read much of the Bible.  I believe that my parents and your dear mother are fully rejuvenated to the best of health and enjoying being "home" in Heaven with the Lord. They will be there to greet us when it is our turn to go "home."  

 

Take care and allow yourself whatever feelings surface.  This is still so recent for you and now is a good time to rely on your faith and lean on GOD.  HE is there for all of us.

 

Cindy Jane

 

 

[Linmayzie]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my best friend, my mother, on August 10, 2014. She had COPD and I watched her die a horrific death. When she passed, I had severe anxiety and I couldn't sleep. Watching her suffer the way she did her last few hours has destroyed me. I signed her DNR after the nurse asked me what her wishes were. My heart was telling me to keep her with me on this earth for as long as I could, but my mind was telling me she didn't want to suffer anymore. I hate myself for it. I'm dead inside. I used to be happy. Now my nights are filled with pain and guilt for letting her go. I'm okay during the day, but when I'm home alone, all I can think about is her face, and struggling to breathe during the last moments of her life. I don't know if I will ever get over it. I feel your pain so badly. You're not alone. Thank you for your time.

[wistletone]

I lost my mom on October 14th, 2014. I held her hand and talked and sang to her as her heart slowed down and things began to disintegrate inside.  It was ultimately pretty horrific to watch.  I'm sure I haven't processed it fully because since then, my father, who has Heart Failure, has gone down hill.  My mom's passing was unexpected.  My father, who had been sick, was doing very well with my mother's care.  Now they say he has weeks - maybe months and I'm on a leave of absence to take care of him. He just came home on IV meds 2 days ago after being in the hospital a month.  They said they can do nothing more for him.  He has lost 60 lbs and can hardly walk.  I'm up and can't sleep because I hear him and worry in case he is in distress.  Its so difficult.  But I take comfort in knowing that even at the end, my mom knew (somehow) that we were there (My dad and I).  

 

How traumatic for you to have lost your mom and to have seen her pass in such a difficult way.  But please take comfort in knowing that you were there for her when it mattered most, and she knew it!  That is a blessing.  I try not to replay some of the scenes of my mom's last few hours.  I try to remember how she knew we were there with her. Your mom did too.  I'm trying to be strong for my dad.  At least knowing that it is going to happen (who knows when), we are able to really work to get his affairs in order.  I know that he is proud of me.  Its still so hard to bear.  I love them both so much.  I wish you comfort in knowing you were a good daughter to your mom.  She would want you to heal and thrive and enjoy your life!  Blessings.