It's not just the grief

[Plimsole]

I lost my husband a few months ago and the pain is just as raw. But I feel so drained, fed up and angry that I can't just simply grieve. It's all the legalities that go with it. The banking, the lawyers, the need to find a new home and rebuild my life. But I'm finding that those who are still lucky enough to have their partners don't get it. To be honest, I could never have imagined how intense the pain is. But the added stress of all the necessities above that need to be done has been left completely up to me to sort. I'd love for someone else to deal with it and let me just collapse and grieve, but it isn't happening. Has anyone else experienced this level of feeling alone? I can't quite grasp just how difficult death is.

[Dr. Pat]

Hello!

 

You have discovered something that the "other" world of couples can never quite get! Even when the lead up to the death has been long and difficult and the care-giving a drain and you think it couldn't be as bad as this when they do finally die, it turns out to be just as you have found it to be! It is unimaginably worse. It is truly the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. 

 

There are so many details to take care of, and often your mind is numb. If you've not already done so, create a binder (3 ring folder) with sections for each category: Bank, house, credit cards, licenses (driving, business, memberships etc), social security, etc. Note the date and action you took so you have a log of what has been accomplished. It's one place where you can put all of this stuff that must be done, along with names and phone numbers or web sites you need access to. I always felt some semblance of comfort closing that binder after working on some part of the million tasks that needed to be done - I could close it knowing I could open it the next day or next week and not "loose track" of anything.  

 

I know this from training (I'm a mental health counselor) and experience (I've lost two husbands now). 

 

I'd love to help you, talk with you. Feel free to email me back. 

 

Dr. Pat

[Plimsole]

Ad99, I'm so sorry for your loss. Do you have a good level of support from friends and family? I understand what you mean about not wanting to wake up, but you have to carry on not only for yourself, but for your son too. Slowly, the pain will lessen. I don't think to will ever fully go away, but it will reduce to allow for brighter days.

Dr Pat, what I'm so surprised at is how the "others" don't even try to imagine what it's like to be in this position. Their worlds carry on and there is a lack of understanding from people when I try to explain how much I hurt. I'm so disappointed with the world. I've discovered a lot of selfishness in people.

I'm so sorry you've had to go through it twice. How did you cope?

I am somewhat organised with my filing system, but it's all too much sometimes. I'd like a day off. It's been 5 months of thinking and worrying about things. In the beginning, I just wanted someone to make all the necessary phonecalls for me, but that didn't happen. My feelings of isolation are enforced when people say they can't spend time with me because they and their spouse have to go out and do something. I feel envious that they still have that normal life and someone to share all their problems and burdens with. This is the worst moment of my life and all I want to do is confide in my husband and share my pain, but that's never going to happen.

[INKY]

Yes I too feel so alone, but I also think that the reality is that no matter how many people are there we will always feel alone because the person that we want by outside is no longer with us.  The mundane and worrying tasks that have to be done are awful and it would be helpful for those to be taken care of but we would still be alone.  I am find the concept of never seeing the love of my life again so difficult and so painful…I don't have the words to explain as you yourself will know.  

 

For me there is no let up of missing, of yearning, of hurting, of crying etc.  I have been out of the house but then after an hour or so i feel this intense need to get home back to Ian.  I cannot imagine what it must be like having to find a new home an the stresses that go with that when we want and chose to move as part of a couple…to much to think about, I have no idea how you manage that so I cannot offer any advice at all only thoughts to you and hope that the things get sorted soon for you, very soon as you say you need time for you to grieve.

 

I to just want to have my husband here to chat through things with…but then if he was my life would be perfect again, all I ever needed was him and he, me. We were lucky because we knew both knew this…but now nothing matters, I have no fears now, my worst fear happened on the 19 November 2014 at 20:03hrs…..what have i to fear now…well the thing i do now fear is a long life, every day I am away from him is a day to long.  I count the minutes until I meet him again...

 

Plimsole, take care x

[Plimsole]

Are you having a panic attack when you feel the need to get home? I've had lots of them since it happened. I have them in the mornings when I wake. The realisation of what has happened this me again. I often have them in busy places. 2 days ago, I went into fight or flight mode in the supermarket and had to just leave. I felt this intense panic suddenly come over me.

I understand what you mean by having no fears now. It feels like our whole world has been taken away and that we have nothing left. I have no fear of death and can't wait for it to happen. I know that if the case were to come up where I had something such as cancer, I wouldn't take treatment because I don't want to be here too long. It feels somewhat selfish of me saying that when there are people out there who sadly have incurable diseases and would love nothing more than to live a long life, but it always seems to be the same where those who have lots to live for are taken early and those who do not are left here for a long time to suffer. I accept that this is perhaps my karma.

You will meet him again - it might be 20 years from now, it might be 20 hours. For now, you just need to breathe. What gets me through each day is the thought that just maybe tomorrow will be my turn to go. It sounds morbid to most people but I have nothing left in this world. The passing of our partners has shown us just how short and unpredictable life can be and we need to learn from it and appreciate what we have now in every moment. As bitter and sad as we may feel, we need to somehow accept that what we do have is precious. You have your daughter - that's a wonderful blessing and to know that she came from a love with your husband is even more so.

How long were your together? You were lucky enough to have spent all those years with him. Nobody else got that and nobody can take that or any of your memories away from you.

Remember, every moment passes. Each second that approaches passes just as quickly. We'll never get those moments back once they pass so I try to focus on each individual moment. It's not easy but when I remember to do it, it stops me from worrying about the past or the future.

I hope you're sleeping. Eat when you can and above all, breathe.

Take care x

[INKY]

I don't have panic attacks it is just an intense need to get home to Ian, as I always did.  This is absolutely unbearable and all I need is to be with Ian.  I, like you, feel selfish in that my day cannot come soon enough, I would also turn treatment down.  This, I know, will sound so selfish and uncaring given our daughter, however I cannot bear this intense feeling of loneliness and miss him terribly.  I was born to be with Ian and if only we could have been brave enough to chat through a couple of things we could have arranged to go together which was how it was supposed to be.  Life is not worth living it is awful, I have a constant pain across my chest and back and a horrible knot in my stomach.  I love him and have lost him, no hug no kiss, no warm voice nothing.

 

Sorry but am feeling particularly low

x

[Louisemarie]

Plimsole - I know how you feel. I had no idea grief could be this much agony. I don't think people can imagine how it feels unless they've experienced it themselves. We were together 28 years but not married and as he died suddenly (heart attack) at only 50 we hadn't made wills. Bills and solicitors still going on after 8 months. It's the last thing we need in this state. Banks & credit card companies have no empathy. It is horrendous. Work and good friends keep me busy - but in the quiet times grief comes back raw as ever. Know you are not alone. Forums like this are a lifeline .

[Plimsole]

Hi LouiseMarie. I'm so sorry for your loss. How are you feeling? Are you adjusting?

Its so easy not to get round to doing a will because we assume we'll live a long life as we are forever. I do hope you will receive everything as his long term partner? Banks, lawyers, credit card companies etc.....it's all just business for them. The lack of humanity from them makes you wonder how people can sleep at night.

I'm glad you've got good friends to support you. Do you have family to support you too? I find that my friends don't get it and some of them have too much fun in their own world to notice the pain I'm in.

I hope you're healing. Take care.