I don't know how to carry on

[INKY]

My husband, love of my life, man of my dreams died on 19 November 2014 and i cannot imagine carrying on any longer without him.  We did everything together, we did not have different interests we spent every moment together unless we were at work and even during this time there were many telephone calls to each other, we loved each other and were totally in love.  It hurts so much, I am nothing now, There is a huge part of me missing I no longer know who I am.  I cannot keep doing this…..

 

[Marty2121]

INKY, I know exactly how you feel as you have described my pain of losing my love of 30 years this past May. Don't ask me how I have survived 6 months of this heart wrenching pain, but I have, and you will too. Every morning I get on the emotional roller coaster hoping that I'll stay on top, but when I don't, I try and help myself back up because only I can do that, nobody else can. Those of us in this exclusive horrific group will never be the same, but we must try to find our new normal. What I try and do is take it one HOUR at a time. Surround yourself with people who care and don't mind hearing about your love over and over again as they will catch you when you're just about to fall off that cliff of living. Know that you are not alone and that we all wish you peace in your heart.

 

Marty

[INKY]

5 December is my love's birthday, this is therefore the first I have to face without him…. How do we manage?

 

[Plimsole]

Inky, I'm so sorry for your loss. There are no amount of condolences that can heal your heart. What you do need is to be looked after. For someone to wrap you up and take care of you and everything for a bit and just let you grieve. Do you have a good support network?

I lost my husband earlier this year. Funnily enough his birthday is the same date as your husbands. How did you spend the day? I spent mine crying. That wasn't how I'd planned it. I walked for a short while where we used to go and the day passed somehow.

This kind of grief is indescribable. I've never felt pain like it and I'm sure anyone who is bereaved feels the same. I wish I had the answers for you to help you heal but I simply don't know myself. But I do understand what you're feeling, so please know that you're not alone.

[INKY]

Plimsole, My husband's birthday was upsetting, we had planned a weekend away which is what we always did (we also tied Christmas shopping in with the break) I remember last year so well we had a fabulous time and I cannot believe that we won't have any more.  I went to our local beach and lit chinese lanterns for him with our daughter and my best friend …. It was a lovely sunny day and the night time was full of stars and the moon big and bright… just would have liked to have shared it with him….Now have to try to ignore Christmas which will be awful…think I will try to sleep through it.  You are right the grief is indescribable and likewise I've never felt pain like it, a physical hurt that goes so deep.

 

Unfortunately there seem to be so many people in similar positions and this should never be. He had many years ahead of him, we had many years ahead.

 

Take care

x

 

 

[Plimsole]

How are you feeling Inky? None of this makes any sense. We don't get married with the thought that we'll be spending some of our lives alone. I don't think anyone can grasp how much losing a spouse hurts until they've experienced it themselves. How is your daughter coping with it?

Christmas is going to be tough. I find it hard already seeing all the decorations in the shops, the continuous sound of Christmas songs and everyone getting excited about their family day. I so want to be that happy. Why do we have to be left behind in pain? I'd do anything to be spending it with my husband. Just to carry on with our future as planned.

I hope that somehow the pain lessens as each day goes by for you. Look after yourself and please get some rest.

[INKY]

Hi Plimsole, I saw these words and they are so true.. " The day that we were married they told us we were one.. But they never told us what to do when half of one is gone..What do you do with half a life or half a will to care..What do you do with half a heart..when the other half's not there..You were the other half of me.. A heart linked to my own..What do I do with half a life..Now that I am on my own!?" 

 

In respect of the Christmas holidays I am afraid that I am hiding from it, no decorations, no tree and no cards, I just cannot. It is as though if i do not get involved I do not have to face Christmas without him as I have not had Christmas…if that makes sense at all.

 

Our daughter appears to be managing ok.  She was worried because she thinks that I might die of a broken heart…I cannot tell her that I won't.

 

5 December was obviously a very special day when the special men where made… my husband was perfect, I did say this to him many many times during out time together.  I would like the time to continue telling him..

 

Yes the pain does not get less and it is still difficult to believe that we will not chat with them again; laugh with them again, hold hands with them again, experience their way of loving ageing..well everything really.

 

I know we should look after ourselves but do you ever wonder why we should? What is the purpose?

 

Take Care 

[INKY]

Marty,

 

Thank you for your words..and yes it is horrific, I am still finding it difficult to believe and am waiting to wake up from this nightmare. Finding that new normal is difficult isn't it because you want to fight against it wanting things to be the same as they were although knowing that they will never be the same.  My mind feels so confused and my feelings and thoughts constantly contradict themselves.

 

Take care

Kay

[Caremal]

Put one foot in front of the other until it becomes natural.    All firsts are harder to deal with  they get easier - yet still not easy.   Been 3  holidays for me.    in 2 weeks is my wedding anniversary and I think of him often - I always will, 32 years was a lifetime  not the kind of thing we ignore.   

[Macsgirl]

Dear INKY

The love of my life passed away suddenly on November 4. He was only 48. We also did everything together and spent all of our free time together. We sometimes felt guilty about neglecting friends and family because we were so greedy with each other. Now I don't regret a moment because I didn't know we only had the 3 years.....When our paths crossed we were both lonely. It sounds so cheesy, but we really did complete each other. I finally found joy and bliss and felt like I needed to pinch myself. We loved life! We enjoyed every moment and I didn't know that life could actually be so good. I do believe in soul-mates now.....

 

I have no idea why I get out of bed in the morning other than my daughter needs me. There is no way I will ever find that once-in-a-lifetime love. I'm amazed it happened at all actually. I was so used to merely existing and sadly that's why I think I will survive this.

 

I don't know if we're supposed to talk about a Higher Power here but I have to believe that we have a job here as humans to help each other and to connect on a spiritual level. My man thought so too. So I'm sending out love to all who are grieving here. May our pain be sacred and useful in some way to a greater purpose than we can see....and peace be near

 

 

[Plimsole]

Inky, I believe that we have to take care of ourselves so that when we do leave this world, we do so because it is our time. I've always believed that if we somehow take our own lives, then we must relive this life again and again until we pass naturally. I believe in reincarnation and know that when I pass, I'll be with my husband again in our next life. We have too strong a connection for this to be the end. He didn't want to leave and I didn't want him to either. It's just that his physical body couldn't survive. I'm not religious and I'm not preaching, that thought has just always stuck with me.

I've thought so many times about ending it as I truly have nothing left. But when the odd thought of rational thinking comes in, I realise that there is a big world out there, that if I choose to, I can try and be part of. I'm not ready to just now, but maybe one day I will have a brighter day. Our husbands have gone away for a while. They have a bigger job to do elsewhere and when the time is right, we will join them. Call it a detachment, redeployment or transfer if you like. Once we have finished off what we need to do here, we will join them.

You can't sever a connection by death. Of course, physically they have gone but the love and connection that kept you and your husband together will always be there. And it will guide you back to him eventually.

I know you're hurting so much and there are no words to describe the pain. I think it's a pain that only a widow(er) can relate to. I always knew I'd miss my husband and feel lost if anything happened to him but I never imagined pain like this. It's so intense & deep. I was told yesterday by someone that they expected me to be in a body bag soon because I have been so low.

I bet your husband was immensely proud to have you as his wife.

Macsgirl, I'm sorry that you too have had to find your way here. It's a club that nobody wants to join. I'm not sure what our role in this life is supposed to be. I often wonder as I, like you, just exist. I don't have any special qualities or talents and can't figure out what I'm supposed to be doing to make me feel like I'm living.

Thankyou for finding the strength to send out love and compassion to everyone else here who has their own grief. it's a painful time for us all, including yourself.

We'll get through it somehow. I promise.

Take care