Dad passed on November 16th. Cause unknown

[gus22]

Hello everyone.  My father passed unexpectedly in hospital on the 16th of November.  He was battling lymphoma at the time.  The chemotherapy administered to him was working, however it took its toll on dad.  The cancer had impacted his kidney function, which prompted the hospital staff to administer a lot of IV fluids in order to get his kidneys operational again, so they could withstand the chemotherapy.  Unfortunately, the fluids collected around his heart and lungs and he ended up with double pneumonia as well as congestive heart failure.  The medical team moved him to ICU for almost a week and a half.  There, his pneumonia improved, his heart function was brought back in line through medication and his breathing was beginning to recover - to the point where we only needed 50% oxygen.  He was moved out of ICU on Thursday night and moved to a private room to continue his recovery so that he could be strong enough to receive his next round of chemo.  That following Saturday, the doctors administered a blood transfusion to him in order to increase is immune system and blood counts, both of which had been destroyed by the chemo.  Our entire family could finally breath again, he was getting better, he was winning the fight, we had hope back.  At 6:30 am on Sunday morning we received a call from the hospital, dad had passed in his sleep.  We never ordered an autopsy, it was mom's wish.  The doctors said it may have been a blood clot which took his life, as he had been lid in bed for 16 days at this point.

 

My biggest regret is that he died alone in the hospital room.  I had told myself that I wanted to be with dad, and that I did not want him to die alone.  The night he was moved to ICU with pneumonia and heart failure, my brother and I slept the full night on the couch in the hospital waiting room.  Dad pulled through.  On the Saturday night before he passed, I was with him up until 10 pm.  I left him because I felt he had turned the corner.  I also wanted to be with my daughter that night who was celebrating her birthday.

 

When I saw my dad on Sunday morning, I could not get past the fact that he passed alone.  It still troubles me to this point.  The medical staff said he passed peacefully, which has given us all some comfort.  But I wish I could have been there to hold his hand in his final moments.  I wonder if he felt afraid and lonely.  I guess I will never know.

 

Since dad's passing, I have pushed my emotions down in order to be strong for my mom and my siblings.  Yes, I did cry a lot, but mostly in private.  My focus has shifted to my mom and helping ease her burden.

 

Ever since he passed, a very strange sensation has come over me.  I feel like I am in a fog.  Like I am viewing the world in slow motion.  Everything that was familiar to me looks slightly different now, a bit colder and perhaps a bit more hostile.  I go about functioning as best as I can, socially and at work.  However there is a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach that never fades.  I gather all my strength from my wife and kids, they give me the courage to be brave and soldier on, for them.

 

Not sure why I posted here, I just felt compelled to express my feelings... I'm guessing it is a form of therapy.

 

My world has changed, and I still can't believe it.  This may seem odd, but I feel like my life has inhaled deeply and it is still waiting to exhale.  I'm living that silence and numbness now, the same feelings you get when you hold your breath and are waiting to let it out.

 

Anyway, I am sure time will heal.  For now though, I am just looking for a way to express how I feel.  And I believe this was a safe forum to do that in.

 

Thanks for listening.

[cindyjane]

Hi gus ... I am so sorry for your loss.  Losing a parent is definately the toughest thing I've ever experienced in my life.  I lost both parents in an 11 month period.  It does feel strange, kind of like I am an orphan now.  I also experience all of the feelings you shared here.  

 

Sorry that you weren't able to be with your dad when he passed on but you can be rest assured that he was kept very comfortable to the end.  I watched my mom pass away slowly over a 6 week period while in the hospital and the #1 thing is to keep our loved ones comfortable and pain free.  I wasn't with my mom at the time of her passing but gratefully was with my dad.  He also was made very comfortable and at any sign of discomfort, the wonderful nurses were there to give him medication and reposition him.  Nurses who care for those who are leaving us are true angels.  

 

I am glad that you found this site and are sharing your feelings.  I've seen too many people stuff their feelings and try to go it alone which really does make it harder.  I was told by a few people that the wide range of feelings I've been having since my mom left us in Oct. of last year are very normal.  We will for sure feel a HUGE loss, pain, loneliness, sadness, and we'll shed many tears ... all because we loved them so much.  So I guess these feelings are normal.

 

Anyway, take care and thanks for sharing about your dear dad.  He was a very strong and courageous man to have fought such a good fight with his illness.  

 

Cindy Jane

[wistletone]

Hi Gus,

I'm so sorry for your loss.  My mom passed away 6 weeks ago.  It was unexpected. She wasn't even sick.  I guess I'm responding because of how you described this "fog".  You description was what I haven't been able to put to words.  I think because my mom wasn't even sick or anything, I can't wrap my brain around what has happened.  I understand things logically but there is a disconnect and when I try to think about the reality of it... what it means what it is, I feel a panic welling up.  So other than occasional crying (in private), I just focus on functioning and keeping my family functioning.  (My dad and sister).  I don't have a husband or kids so I'm really alone in this.  I don't have a shoulder to just cry on.  I can't anyway because my sister is constantly in breakdown mode, and I'm trying to be strong for my Dad who has been devastated.  He and mom have been together 49 and half years (since they were teens).  They were best friends and did everything together.  Truly happy.

 

I often feel that there is a space where I'm walking around but feeling apart from everyone around me.  I'm in NYC, so thats easier than other places because people are not so warm.  Its like I could be painted in neon pink and no one notices, they just go around like nothings wrong, and my world has been upended (which in NYC would also happen). Just kind of numbed. And unable to sleep. (its 5 am now as I type).   I'm just trying to keep functioning and to stay healthy and being strong for the others who aren't ... and trying not to resent them for being able to break down and fall apart... and leaving me to hold things together.

[JeanMihalick]

I'm so sorry for your loss and understand the fog completely. When it became apparent that my mom didn't have much time left I also wanted to be with her when she passed. I didn't want her to be alone yet I know she wasn't. About a day or two before she kept looking at the door of the hospital room, we weren't sure if she was waiting for someone or someone was waiting for her as about 2 weeks before she passed she told me one morning she woke up and saw her mom standing in the doorway saying we will be together soon.

The night before she passed I was in her room until 1 am, when all of a sudden what I assume to be a panic attack took over me and I had to get out of there asap. She passed a little while later. When talking with the nurse that morning she said that happens alot if times. I believe my mom didn't want me there when she left and she knew how stubborn I am (because I take after her) and she knew I wouldn't leave unless she made me leave or someone made me leave. I know she was comfortable and passed away very peacefully so I do take small comfort in that. Another thing I take comfort in knowing is she passed in the hospital as they were going to transport her to a nursing home that morning as there was nothing else they could do and I know she didn't want that.

Take care

Jean