Trying to move on.

[Dejay]

Lost my wife, the love of my life, and I don't generalise. She truly was. She was my everything to me.

Woke up one morning at 8am as she suffered an unforeseen heart attack next to me. Ambulance/paramedics were here within15mins. She died in the ambulance, but they got her back on the way to the hospital. At 10am she passed away at Cheltenham hospital and my life fell apart. She was aged only 44 and we had been married for over 20yrs.

You know those films. It was like that. The surgeon walked in and I was first to speak. "She has gone, hasn't she?" I asked.

"I am afraid so" he said. It was something like out of a bad movie that I was watching.

I could go on for pages and pages about our life. Everything we spoke about. The time we met. The things we talked about. Even death should it happen. It was supposed to be me first. Glad we had those chats now. Seems weird to some of my friends that we did that, but we did.

I am a pretty upbeat guy. Something gets me down and I am fixed in a day or two. Not this though. I been so angry with myself. I don't believe in God in heaven and my lady looking down on me. She is just gone. I am angry with myself for getting so upset for feeling sorry for myself, but I am still here. Sometimes wish I wasnt. Lel (my wife) wouldn't have wanted me to feel this way. I know. We talked about it. I have shouted at the sky, for all that is worth.

I have lots of friends. They have been so supportive. They are always there. My parents are out of their minds with worry. Always ringing, taking me down for dinners etc. it has broken them. My friends understand I need time on my own sometimes when I go down' and they leave me to it. My parents worry and come knocking on my door, ringing me etc.

I love my mum and dad to bits, but sometimes lately I just need to be alone. I need grieving broken apart time with myself, although they think that I am pushing them away when they feel I most need help. It's absolutely crazy. No one prepares you for this.

One of my close friends found this site for me. I couldn't find anything. Just reading through some of everyone else's posts comforts me that, although I have not spoken to anyone on here, I am not alone.

I feel quite lucky in a way. Probably the wrong phrase, I'm not, but my wife went quickly and (I was told) under a heavy sedation of morphine on her way to hospital, so that she felt no pain. I am thankful for that.

Don't know what to say. Trying my damnedest to not be a black rain cloud to my friends that have supported me and to try to get on with life. I can't imagine feeling this pain for the rest of it. I have already had bad thoughts about that (that I would never do).

It's been just over four months now, and this is the first week that I have maybe taken a small step forward. I have had an evening chatting to my parents to say that I love them, they are always there when I need them, but sometimes I need my thoughts.

I never thought life would be this tough.

[The Veil]

Dejay-

 

It looks like we lost the love of our lives around the same time. Not only that, but we have similar characteristics how we handle things, being upbeat, etc...  I’m not a big talker either, unless I have something to say. I’m what you’d call a passionate talker. Like now.

 

Much like you, I don’t feel like the same person after losing Rob. I know the girl I was in there somewhere and maybe I’ll snap back to my old peppy self again or similar to her. For now I’m, sad to calm, sad to numb, sad to a small smile is what people get. They don’t get a sharp witty girl with a wicked sense of humour much.  Once in a while I laugh… and I used to find a lot of humour in life.  I think it just takes a long adjustment. I kind of look at this like zombies on a baseball team without a coach and the coach wouldn’t make a difference anyway because we have to do it our way on our terms

 

I’ve noticed people are there for you, but after a while life goes on for them. Then, some are afraid to talk about it with you and if you feel inclined to, they avoid the topic altogether next time so it doesn’t bring your emotions to a brim. It makes them uncomfortable. Some don’t know how to deal with it, so ignoring it in their minds makes it go away. While others expect you to snap out of it within a short time and if it’s not on their time frame, you end up dumping a friend – because really? Who needs that aggravation when you have bigger fish to fry? This is life changing.

 

This indirectly affected them; they’re not experiencing the immense pain of having your heart and soul ripped out or the constant ache of yearning day in and day out. The tormenting questions you ask yourself over and over again, the ‘what if’s’ and reliving moments you wish you could have done differently. Mine is,  “if I had only flown up a week earlier.” It doesn’t make a difference whether I had or hadn’t…. I know this, but I torture myself on occasion for giggle and shits (I’m being facetious).They won’t understand until inevitably it happens to them. :/

 

Your parents care about you and worry about your state of well being. Parents are like that.  Have you tried explaining to them this is a normal process and you need to grieve on your own terms? If you feel you need help, you’ll be the first one to seek it? But this is something that’s going to take some time until you find your new sense of what’s normal – the old normal is gone. With that, we redefine ourselves somehow….

 

Anyway, I’m off my soapbox.  You’re not alone…. I find reading the threads here, engaging, helping others if I can and knowing what I am feeling and experiencing is pretty much status quo and I’m good with that. I’m not alone no matter how alone I feel. I hope this place helps you, too.

[Dejay]

Dejay-

It looks like we lost the love of our lives around the same time. Not only that, but we have similar characteristics how we handle things, being upbeat, etc... I’m not a big talker either, unless I have something to say. I’m what you’d call a passionate talker. Like now.

Much like you, I don’t feel like the same person after losing Rob. I know the girl I was in there somewhere and maybe I’ll snap back to my old peppy self again or similar to her. For now I’m, sad to calm, sad to numb, sad to a small smile is what people get. They don’t get a sharp witty girl with a wicked sense of humour much. Once in a while I laugh… and I used to find a lot of humour in life. I think it just takes a long adjustment. I kind of look at this like zombies on a baseball team without a coach and the coach wouldn’t make a difference anyway because we have to do it our way on our terms

I’ve noticed people are there for you, but after a while life goes on for them. Then, some are afraid to talk about it with you and if you feel inclined to, they avoid the topic altogether next time so it doesn’t bring your emotions to a brim. It makes them uncomfortable. Some don’t know how to deal with it, so ignoring it in their minds makes it go away. While others expect you to snap out of it within a short time and if it’s not on their time frame, you end up dumping a friend – because really? Who needs that aggravation when you have bigger fish to fry? This is life changing.

This indirectly affected them; they’re not experiencing the immense pain of having your heart and soul ripped out or the constant ache of yearning day in and day out. The tormenting questions you ask yourself over and over again, the ‘what if’s’ and reliving moments you wish you could have done differently. Mine is, “if I had only flown up a week earlier.” It doesn’t make a difference whether I had or hadn’t…. I know this, but I torture myself on occasion for giggle and shits (I’m being facetious).They won’t understand until inevitably it happens to them. :/

Your parents care about you and worry about your state of well being. Parents are like that. Have you tried explaining to them this is a normal process and you need to grieve on your own terms? If you feel you need help, you’ll be the first one to seek it? But this is something that’s going to take some time until you find your new sense of what’s normal – the old normal is gone. With that, we redefine ourselves somehow….

Anyway, I’m off my soapbox. You’re not alone…. I find reading the threads here, engaging, helping others if I can and knowing what I am feeling and experiencing is pretty much status quo and I’m good with that. I’m not alone no matter how alone I feel. I hope this place helps you, too.

[Dejay]

Thank you Veil for your reply. You totally understand where I am at. I am so sorry for your loss too.

It is so sad for everyone on here. It is indeed life changing, and no one understands unless you are trying to live through it. I have read posts that have brought me to tears and so wanted to reply, but haven't. I want to, but don't. How can I even begin to comment on something so deep felt? It's not like you can put a "Like" up and pass it by. This is totally different.

Then again. We are all the same. I still feel like the odd one out that shouldn't be here, but I guess everyone feels the same.

Thank you for your reply. Just typing my feelings out is a relief. I am happy for anyone to chat to me about what ever, but feel I may intrude on other people's lives if I reply to a post. Am I making any sense? Just a deep heart felt "hello" to all on here. So sorry to read that we have all lost somebody and also to say that I don't feel so alone any more.

[The Veil]

Hi Dejay-

 

I know exactly how you feel. I go through little spurts of being social, here, with social circle and boy do I completely understand feeling like the odd man out everywhere.  But, if you engage with people who have endured a loss so close to home, you'll soon realize that everyone feels pretty much the same. At least that's been my observation.

Your intrusion comment made me giggle. I feel the same way, mainly because I can be very outspoken sometimes and I have to curb how I say things... Because although my intentions are good, I can be very blundt sometimes without intending to be offensive... and I know my nerves are freyed and can only imagine others are as well. So patience and sensitivity levels are high and it's only natural to imagine others think similar to the same line of your own thinking. And although I feel and relate to a lot of posts, I don't respond to all... I also get very emotional reading someone's pain. I wish I could take it all away from everyone because I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. It's horrible.

 

Anyway, I have to get back to the Thanksgiving dinner I am preparing.  Have a great day and always here if you want to blow off steam and need an ear to bend.