Feelings on upcoming holiday

[Sammijo2424]

With the holidays quickly approaching I find myself more tearful. Even though there is a new man in my life and I am happy, I am also sad that my husband is not here, very confusing. My children are not making things easy either, they do not want him here for Thanksgiving, I want him here. We live together when he is not working out of town. One of my daughters has asked that he not spend night when she is here, that I need to consider her feelings. My husband has been gone almost 2 years, I am trying to go on with my life, I miss him so much, I dreamed last night I was cheating on him with new man.

Right now I want to forget thanksgiving, and Christmas. Why does everything have to be so hard? No one seems to care about my feelings. I lost my husband of 22 years who I loved more than anything but yet I get talked about, laughed at by my children behind my back, they let it slip that they had been talking about me. Instead of celebrating I will just be gritting my teeth and trying to get thru it, right now I am just sick at heart. I feel that having a new man, who is a good Christian man is driving a wedge between me and kids. They never come home anymore, they didn't even before he came along, I sat in this house, crying day in and day out, doing nothing, absolutely nothing. Today my life is full, I have a church family who I love and who love me, closer to brothers and sisters, have a future mother in law I love and who loves me, my man and I go and do things, so what am I to do? I think I will crawl into hole and stay there for the next week but I know that is impossible. I will just be glad when this holiday is over

[The Veil]

Hi Sammijo2424-

 

I think this is normal to be extra sensitive during the holiday season. Even if someone who has suffered a loss isn’t, that’s okay too. There is no rule book and if there was who would follow it? We all deal with loss differently –  while our brains are trying to protect us from things getting too overwhelming.

 

If I were in your shoes, a new gentleman in my life, I would imagine I would be feeling happy that I found someone again, sad that I lost my deceased loved one and missing him terribly. I’d feel like I am betraying him somehow. It’s hard to wrap your head around many conflicting emotions when they are coming at you at every angle. But, I think we both know that our loved ones wouldn’t want us to be unhappy. They want us to LIVE and have a happy life. It’s easier said than done and it’s a long journey to get there. I don’t think these feelings ever go away, especially around the holiday.. But, I’m so new to this I have no idea what tomorrow brings. I’m just living moment by moment and taking it as it comes.

 

I’m glad you found someone. I’m not quite sure how old your children are, it sounds like they are teenagers. I could be wrong.  They grieve a lot more differently than we do since their hormones are already off kilter affecting their moods, articulating how they feel is a lot harder and understanding the adult world as far as necessity and want is not something they have experienced yet to understand how their mother needs or wants companionship.  I personally feel its okay to move on if you’re ready. But, that’s my opinion.

 

Your new fiancé is not creating a wedge between you and your children. This has to do with your children do not have the capacity to understand that mom didn’t forget dad and she still loves him. The bottom line is mom still loves dad, he’s not here anymore and you are trying to find some happiness in your life. Just because his life ended does not mean yours does.  It’s hard for a child to wrap their head around. If you haven’t already done so, this needs to be explained to them gently. This isn’t a break up with the hopes of rekindling that flame, it’s finality. Maybe a mediator would be helpful? I don’t know.. I’m just shooting off ideas.

 

I know you’re in pain and I am sorry. It’s hard when the people you love do not understand what you’re going through and harder when they judge your decisions.  No one has a right to judge – Last time I checked, God isn’t hiring.    So, try your best not to worry about what other people are saying, family, friends, neighbours – This is your experience and until they have walked your path they will never understand.  I feel you only owe it to your children to express how you are feeling and no one else. Lastly, you owe it to yourself to  be happy, Sammijo2424. You deserve that…

[Shattered14]

Sammijo2424,

 

I understand your confusing feelings.  You will never get over the loss of your husband.  You just learn to deal with it.  I am only at 9 months right now and really have no idea what I'm doing or how I will get through another day.  You have made it to almost 2 years.  That alone is such an accomplishment.  Just to be going through it.  No one understands just how hard it is unless they have walked a similar path.  Your children do not seem very supportive.  Perhaps it is a lack of maturity.  I don't know.  I can tell you that I have found my own family is not who I thought they were either.  They just don't get it.  I'm expected to be like I was...show up at family functions...etc.  I just want to crawl in bed and never come out.  My life is completely shattered.  All hope is gone.  I have no future.  The love of my life...my soul mate is gone forever.  That is a deep destructive pain that never stops.  They just don't get it and clearly don't care to try.  I find them to be very selfish and self centered.  It sounds like you are dealing with some similar issues. 

 

The confusion is overwhelming.  I too wonder about a future.  I can't bear the thought of living the rest of my life alone.  And yet, I can't imagine being with anyone except my precious Michael.  You have been blessed with finding a new man to love and to love you.  You shouldn't feel guilty for that.  Embrace it.  I'm sure your husband would want you to be happy....to have love again.   There is no magic timeframe for that.  It happens when it happens...perhaps when it is supposed to happen.  I don't know what your beliefs are but maybe...just maybe...this new man was brought to you by divine intervention.  He will never take the place of your husband but perhaps there is another space in your heart for this new man.   Your children may not understand now but maybe in time and with some maturity they will.  Laughing at you or talking about you behind your back is just mean and shows a lack of compassion for you.

 

Maybe you can have a Thanksgiving dinner with your children and then have a separate dinner for just you and your new man.  Not for them but for you.  So you don't have to feel such pressure and can perhaps get to enjoy the holiday to some extent.  I hope things work out for you.

[HeyJude]

I really should wait for Sammy to chime in here but she is a good friend of mine and I can't keep my mouth shut. Her kids are GROWN!!!  They have kids of their own!!  They are acting like little children.

 

Sammy...tell them that.  The way they are acting is as if they were 14 or 15 yrs old!!  They have to start thinking about what is best for their mother, not themselves.  I personally would cancel the dinner and just have something with Kyle.  I know it is too late now.  Have Kyle there and let them know that he lives there, that you ARE getting married and they need to just get over it!!!  Put your foot down.

 

 

[Sammijo2424]

Yes, my children are gown, 38, 35 & 31. I talked to my man, asked him to stay with his Mom on Friday night, his feelings were hurt, I was crying, but he said he would do whatever I wanted. Now I feel resentful toward daughter, but we will make it thru somehow, but I am saying I won't do this again for them

[The Veil]

Jude- Thanks for the clarification.

Sammi- I was trying to speak delicately in my earlier post because I was not sure of their age. I agree with Jude, their behaviour is quite childish and selfish at this stage of their life. I'm a say it like you see it kind of girl - New Yorkers are like that.

If I may, by telling your new fiance to spend Thanksgiving with his mother and you'll see him a day later is sending a message 'my children are more important than you,' even if it's not what you mean. At least that's how I would feel if I were in his position.  Not only is it sending a subconscious message to him, it's sending one to your grown children that they can dictate your life through guilt and push you around. It won't stop there. And yes, your kids are important... but they are also close to middle aged, have families of their own, spouses, children and making their own happy memories.  You deserve that, too. You deserve to be happy and this is your life to live, not theirs. They're just going to have to put their big boy and girl pants on, suck it up that mom found someone and she feels she's ready to move forward. They're putting a wedge between you and your fiance, not the other way around and you have the upper hand here.

Please, don't be a doormat to your kids. Put your foot down and stand your ground. Please be happy.. you deserve that.

 

[Shattered14]

Sammjo2424,

 

Well, now that I know the age of your children, I must agree with The Veil and Jude.  How incredibly selfish of them.  They should be more understanding and supportive of you.  You deserve to be happy.  I would let them know how important your new man is to you, and I would not let them guilt you into pushing him aside.

 

All the best to you...I hope it works out.