Step Dad Passed, Caregiver to Mom

[d0eee]

My step dad passed on November 2nd... just 3 weeks ago. I was caregiver to both him and my mother, as neither could/can drive. We knew this day of his passing would come, he had liver cancer as his major illness, the past 6 months with many minor illnesses that complicated his over all health. I made a promise to him, my mother would never be alone. We live just 2 blocks from each other, the first 2 weeks I stayed with Mom (whose disabled) everyday and night, then my 19 year old son moved in with her a week ago. Were all still grieving, it's a process but the issue I have at hand is that, eventually I'll move in with my mother and put my house up for sale. Although she's disabled, she's very controlling and mothering, its her house, her rules. I have anxiety as to how to approach this whole living arrangement. Everything is still very raw. She welcomes me moving in, it will help financially for her as well however because of how she can be, I'm doubting the future and harmony of my family life. I wrote her a long email tonight explaining my feelings, because I don't think I can sit and talk openly about it without her being aggressive or getting emotional. Now hours after I sent this email, I'm doubting myself once again that I made the right decision to approach this subject now. I haven't been able to sleep at all tonight, my mind just wont quit... Has anyone been through a situation like this? If so, how did you handle your surviving parent? and merging households? Any advice is welcomed. 

[cindyjane]

I am so sorry for the loss of your dad.  My heart goes out to you and your family.  Although the process of you packing, selling your house and moving will take time, I believe that  you were wise to put your concerns out to your mom now.  This will give her some time to think about things and the best way to make your future living arrangements a good thing.  Initially she may not be happy that you have some concerns but hopefully by the time you are ready to move in with her she will make every effort for you all to live in harmony.

 

I'd like to share with you about my situation which will hopefully help make this move a good thing.  My mom and dad lived upstairs in my house for the past several years.  My house is a bungalow with a separate fully functional suite in the basement.  I lived downstairs which made it so easy to help they with the things they needed help with, YET they had their own space and I had my own space.  My mom passed on in October of 2013, my dad this past September ... he passed on 11 months after my mom.  During those 11 months as my dad's needs grew it was so good that I was living in the basement suite because I could go upstairs and help him, then back to the suite to my own life.  This set up continued to give my dad some independence that he needed as well as it allowed me to have my space.  If either of us got cranky (which happens when you live with anyone), we had our own space.  It was a win win situation.

 

Now, a couple of months after losing my dad, I am in the process of painting upstairs and doing a few upgrades before I move upstairs and after I do that, I have a nice basement suite to rent out to suppliment my income.  

 

Does your mom's house have a separate area that you could convert to a separate living area?  It would be great if somehow you could set up a separate living area if finances allow.  

 

take care

Cindy Jane