lost my father

[velvetrose]

Two weeks ago my dad died. He was diagnosed with cancer 5 weeks ago and he died 3 weeks after diagnosis. We were able to look after him at home for the last week. I'm extremely close to my father. I became sick in my early 20's and my parents looked after me. I left home for a while but then my mum and dad had health issues so I moved back in with them for the last few years.

 

I'm feeling a complete overwhelming panic. I don't know how I'm going to continue without him. He was the strong one in the family. I still suffer with my health and my mum is quite weak. How do I stop the panic? The thought that I don't know how we are going to cope without him. I feel so numb. I still can't believe he has gone. I feel like I'm pretending he is just away or in hospital. How do I keep the panic at bay? How do I do this?

 

How do I keep going with just my mum and me. I'm so grateful I still have her but they were extemely close. Married 59 years and my mum is nearly 80. She has suffered with severe anxiety for quite a few years so this is huge for all of us and mum is struggling to cope. She is on medication from the doctor but when it's time to go to bed she just can't cope with going and gets a panic attack. On Thursday it started at 11pm and it didn't ease until 1am. She asked me if I would in the bed with her she couldn't cope with being alone that night. Then last night she went to bed but 15 minutes later knocked on my bedroom door and asked if I could sleep in her bed again she wasn't coping. I don't mind doing it because I know she is so anxious and panciky and just having company is getting her through the bad times. My question though is will doing this for her help or hinder her recovery? Should I be making her go to bed alone and to cope with the panic and anxiety that is associated with it??

My dad actually died in their bed. I asked mum if she would like me to get her a new bed because of this but my dad restored the bed it's an old wrought iron bed and he loved it so mum doesn't want to get rid of it. I said what if we moved her into another bedroom but she doesn't want to do that either. So am I doing the right thing just sleeping in the bed while she needs me and maybe once the shock eases she will be okay to sleep alone?

 

She can't cry and that worried her but I told her everyone is different. I cry all the time but that doesn't mean she loved dad any less just becaues she can't ccry at the moment. Her doctor has said that mum is still in shock. Losing dad only 3 weeks after diagnosis and he had no symptoms at all. I'm just worried am I making things worse for mum to cope by doing this or should I continue to do it just until she gets through the shock?? Please help me with this I don't want to make things ten times worse for her.

 

Thank you for your help and advice

 

[Blackrock]

Am Deeply sorry for your loss. I actually just came back from my mom's tonite. This morning I went to visit my dad at St. Paul and gave him some flowers and beer. It's been exactly one year since he's gone. You're lucky that u can take care of your dad. My dad was gone the 2nd day after admission to the hospital due to heart failure. Totally shock. I didn't get a chance to take care of him nor see him for the last time. It's really tough. Every time I think about it, tears would run down my face. Even at work, walking on the street, driving or sleeping. But every one has his or her own fate. There's nothing u can do to prevent it. It cannot be changed. Pls be strong, take care and talk to someone.

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[Blackrock]

We still keeps everything that belongs to my dad- his clothing from the hospital, his last day clothing, his bottle of unfinished water, his mug and all the good memories of happier times. My mom saids all his belonging makes her feels like my dad is still around. She sometimes see shadows of my dad walking or smiling. She is not afraid at all. It's a comfort for her and she talks to him. My mom has many friends, grand kids and activities to keep her busy. She is not crazy but that's how she keeps him close by. They've been married for almost 35 yrs.

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[cindyjane]

Hi Rose

 

I am so sorry for your loss.  Losing my parents was the toughest thing I've ever gone through.  I do not want to take away how terribly much you are missing your dear dad, but I believe that your mom missing him more.  I am guessing that you are both in a state of shock over this.  I know that I was even though I could see it coming with both parents.   Your mom's, anxiety, difficulty coping and wanting you there at night sounds like a comfort measure she is needing right now.  I personally don't think there is anything wrong with you bunking in with her to get through this difficult time.  In the meantime spend time talking with her about the things that are getting you through these times and hopefully eventually she will find comfort and be able to cope with this more easily.  

 

For me, comfort is found in looking at the blessings in my family.  Also, in the ONE who provided those blessings.  This is the best time to draw on faith, trust in GOD.  

 

Take care

Cindy Jane

[Aprilann]

Hi,

 

I lost my daddy last Tuesday and am at a standstill.  I am an only child and two hours away from my momma.  I was blessed to be able to spend the last two weeks with them caring for him and then he died.  We were told he had cancer on 10-28-14 and he died on 11-18-14.  I have cried, a lot, but still feel numb.  My daddy told me I was going to have my hands full with my momma.  She is handicapped and cannot drive.  She refuses to move from the house they have lived in for the past 39 years.  They were married for 45 years and she was totally dependent on him.  She says that she knows he is waiting for her to finish up their business here and he is coming back to get her.  I said in the beginning if I lost my daddy, I was going to lose my momma also.  She won't eat, says it makes her stomach hurt. 

 

I don't have anyone here that I can talk to about this.  They all want to be negative or judge her.  I feel like I am completely alone.  I know others have gone through this, but no one that I have personally talked to.  Everyone around me has brothers and/or sisters to help them. 

 

I still cannot believe my daddy is gone.  It doesn't seem real.  I just want to wake up from this nightmare!!!

[velvetrose]

Hi,

 

I lost my daddy last Tuesday and am at a standstill.  I am an only child and two hours away from my momma.  I was blessed to be able to spend the last two weeks with them caring for him and then he died.  We were told he had cancer on 10-28-14 and he died on 11-18-14.  I have cried, a lot, but still feel numb.  My daddy told me I was going to have my hands full with my momma.  She is handicapped and cannot drive.  She refuses to move from the house they have lived in for the past 39 years.  They were married for 45 years and she was totally dependent on him.  She says that she knows he is waiting for her to finish up their business here and he is coming back to get her.  I said in the beginning if I lost my daddy, I was going to lose my momma also.  She won't eat, says it makes her stomach hurt. 

 

I don't have anyone here that I can talk to about this.  They all want to be negative or judge her.  I feel like I am completely alone.  I know others have gone through this, but no one that I have personally talked to.  Everyone around me has brothers and/or sisters to help them. 

 

I still cannot believe my daddy is gone.  It doesn't seem real.  I just want to wake up from this nightmare!!!

 

I'm so sorry I truly feel your pain. I'm still struggling and want to wake up from the nightmare as well. My mum is the same. Married 58 years and dad was her carer. She is so weak and has lost so much weight. She is struggling to eat and it's barely enough to keep anyone alive. However I am very lucky to have a brother that is trying all he can to help but he can't be here. So I'm coping with it on my own. I'm also sick I have 2 serious illnesses and struggle with very little energy and I'm sick everyday but I have to push through. When I think of the years ahead without my beautiful dad I can't picture it. I cry all the time. Mom can't take about dad at all it's making her have severe panic attacks.

I've been treated for severe anxiety and depression before and was doing much better but I feel myself sliding back into despair. I don't know how to cope with life now that he has gone.

Do you feel like it's just a dream? I feel like he is just in hospital. That he will be home. I wake up thinking I must talk to dad and then reality sets in and I realise he is gone and it hurts so much.

Do you have any close friends that you can talk to?

I understand how you feel please contact me if you need to talk anytime.