Members Jenacuad Posted November 18, 2014 Members Report Share Posted November 18, 2014 My father passed away almost a month ago, cancer took his life only after a year he did all that he could to fight chemo, surgery but in the end cancer won. Let me start out by saying my father was my best friend. He was a single dad and I became his caregiver he was only 51 I was all he had I was with his in his dying days I took off five weeks from work and he died in the third week I was kind of prepared because the doctor said he only had weeks so I prepared the best I could talked to him spent all day with him put him in home care hospice and just basically tried making him as comfortable as possible in his dying days he was extremely afraid of dying alone and I promised him I would be there although secretly I didn't want to be only because I didn't think I could emotionally handle it or even bare to see him go well the day came that he passed away and the lord made sure I was there it was the most difficult thing I have ever had to experience seeing my father suffer in his bed for hours then seeing his body slowly shut down till his last breath(very dramatic ) I cant seem to shake the negative imagine from my head they pop up in my mind at random times and my heart drops my eyes get watery and my breathing pattern even changed it feel like it just happened every time I get those negative imagines I can not control it I just want to erase that part and I cant seem to its been almost a month when is that negative memory suppose to fade I cant handle it im having an extremely hard time coping with his lost and I know he wouldn't want me to suffer he told me he wanted me to enjoy my life but ive fallen into a deep depression and I don't know what to do this is my first lost that really hit close to home my father was all I had seeing a man that was so strong and full of life basically die like that was very tough he was so strong till the very end he fought hard to try and live but cancer won and it has me so angry at life and I almost in a way just want to be with my father I don't think ill ever be okay it isn't fair I feel like I was cheated of time with him he was only 51 and I am only 26 now all I have is a memory of dad its so difficult I find myself in denial then I get angry that this has happened to me its just not fair no one in our family has had cancer so it was a huge shock. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cindyjane Posted November 18, 2014 Members Report Share Posted November 18, 2014 HUGS Jena ... I am so sorry for your loss. Life sure doesn't seem fair sometimes. You mentioned that cancer won the battle. I would say that GOD won that battle because your dad is now in Heaven with HIM. I strongly believe that based on what I've read in the Bible and the experiences I went through in being there when my dad passed on. My dad also went through some physical pain prior to his passing and that image also stays with me and when that image comes into my head, I just keep remembering that as hard as it was to be there the moment of his passing, that I was given the gift of being there with him. At first I didn't see that as a gift but today I do. I also promised my dad that I would be there with him until he moves on and the Good Lord allowed me to keep that promise. You are a wise young woman who has also been blessed with gifts through all of this. You made sure that your dad was as comfortable as he could be, you had hospice involved, spent as much time with him that you could, you got time off work to go through this and you were also able to keep your promise to your dad. Those are all gifts! Those are all of the kinds of things that I think about when I see the images of my dad when he was in pain. I hope this helps. Life is just never going to be the same for us but right now I am leaning on something else that I read in the Bible. One day we will be reunited with our loved ones so we do have something to look forward to in our eternal lives. I also think about what many others have told me ... others who lost a parent years ago. They say that although they will always miss their parent that the sadness does lift and their memories bring them joy now rather than tears. I hope this is true and can't imagine that right now, but I will trust that what they say is true being they've been through this too. Take care and keep the faithCindy Jane Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jenacuad Posted November 19, 2014 Author Members Report Share Posted November 19, 2014 Hey Cindy thanks I guess if you Put it that way your right although I didn't want to be there the lord made sure I stuck to my promise and I was there and he gave me the strength to watch I really handled it way different then I thought I would i was actually calm and was able to pray for him and say Good bye without freaking out like I imaged in my mind it's strange because I didn't think of those points till you said something I guess it was a gift because I was able to stick to my word to my father and God made it possible by letting me be present (although a sad moment) I guess the lord only lets you bare with what he thinks you can handle but anyways thanks again for your words i feel your right I need to find my way back to the lord and not stray maybe that's why im so depressed I guess my dads mission on earth was accomplished and thats why he left us so soon although im selfish and wanted more time I guess I should be thankful I was able to enjoy him for the time that I did and have many beautiful memories with my dad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jenacuad Posted November 19, 2014 Author Members Report Share Posted November 19, 2014 We shouldnt dwell on the negative Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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