My mom passed 2 years ago and I still feel alone and lost.

[Catie_Jayne]

My mom passed away two years ago when I was  20 years old. I still can't believe she is gone, even after two years. My family fell apart after my mom died. My sisters all live far from me, my dad doesn't give a **** about me and my uncles, aunts and cousins could care less. The only person I have is my boyfriend and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Even though I have him, I still feel alone and empty. There are so many times when I want to pick up the phone and call her but I know she's not there. I can't even delete her number out of my phone, even though I know it's not her number anymore. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye or tell her that I love her more than anything. She was my rock, the one who always figured everything out and made everything alright. How do I go on without her? How do I live life hating all of the people who have mothers who get to spend time with there daughters and go on trips and go shopping? To help plan their wedding? Why didn't I get to experience a normal life with a mother who dies because of old age and gets to see her grandchildren and spoil them? I miss her, more than I ever imagined. I love her, always will but I don't know if I can go on feeling this emptiness and sadness. Will it ever go away? Sometimes I wonder if I will dream about her at night and be able to hear her voice. I can't hear it anymore. She's gone, forever. How do I go on? 

[shehelp]

Hi

I know how you are feeling.  I am an only child and have no one left family wise but a few long distance cousins.  I lost my mom last month.  She was my best friends and like a sister.  We lived together so I feel very lonely around here especially at night.  I just cry out to the Lord for strength.  I hope to go to a counselor next week to see if that will work.  I hope that you feel better soon.  At least you have a boyfriend.  My husband died of cancer in 2012 so I have no one to hold me and console me. I hope to see my mom in my dreams, but I never did see my husband, so I don't know for sure.  People say the pain will lessen with time, but it is hard for me to get through everyday without her.   God Bless Sheila

[vampyremelayah]

I understand how you feel. My mom passed almost a year ago and I still hurt as if it had just happened. We found out she had lung cancer with mets to the brain in October, and she passed in early December. Within the first week my father and brother (who had been living with and taking care of mom) were ok. I never saw either of them cry, and neither reported any depression, even months out.

Being a nurse, I had a very realistic sense of what I was in for when she was first diagnosed, but still managed to fall into denial towards the end. The first month I was inconsolable. Panic attacks, irrational suicidal thoughts (with no intention of doing anything, mind), crying fits... I calmed down in November enough to start hoping that maybe she'd pull through. People had been diagnosed with cancer and lived much longer than their protected time. Besides, she was indestructible;parents always are. But she wasn't. She didn't want chemo, and after two months, she stopped eating.

I had gone over Sunday evening to see her. I should have known something was wrong;she had barely eaten all week. But how could I have known? Should I have known? She had gagged a few times between breaths and looked off, so I asked if she wanted me to stay. Although she was lethargic, she nodded and said yes. I told her I loved her, the last words I would say to her, and after her "I love you too", ran home to get my things. I returned to find out she had had a "respiratory attack" as dad put it, they had medicated her, and she looked worse and was now unarousable. We called the Hospice nurse, and about an hour after she arrived, mom passed. It was just after midnight.

I can further appreciate the pain you feel of having her wrenched from you at such an early age. I was 27; mom was only 64 (with a birthday in January). She had just retired from 30 plus years of nursing. I had yet to be engaged to my boyfriend of nearly 6 years, though she had just gifted her own engagement ring to us. For the first few months after her death, I would look at some of my patients and wonder, "why do you get to be 80-something and my mom didn't? Why are you so special that you still get to be here?" To this day it kills me she won't get to see my wedding or help me plan it, especially as she helped 2 family friends with theirs. That she won't see any of my (possible) children, that I won't be able to turn to her for advice or comfort.

I didn't get a lot of her recipes, partly because she didn't write a lot down ("I add by sight"), but also because the tumors had made her speech and memory shoddy near the end. I didn't get to do a lot of things with her I should have been able to. She was at peace with her decision, but there are times when I'm crushed with the weight of my regret, my guilt. There are things I wish I could apologize for, like being such a **** in my teenage years. Things I wish I had said more, like I love you, though I probably did say it and am not giving myself enough credit.

I've had a few dreams of her, but nothing like she was trying to communicate with me. I'm not a religious person either, so I haven't had anything to fall back on for comfort outside of friends and family. I don't want to believe she's completely gone though. At least once I smelled her perfume and could not explain away the source (I was on the porch at the time), so maybe some semblance of her still comes around?

Some days it doesn't hurt too terribly, and other days, like today, I can't breathe. I don't know how to make the hurting stop, nor do I know when it will. The most I know, Catie, is that you're not alone. I hope that helps, even a little.

[lanna87]

I am feeling the same way, 2 years after my dad died. I have no idea what to do.