my grief has caused me to isolate myself

[Africanhippie21]

My name is Ada and I'm new to the group. I lost my mother a year and a month ago due to uterine cancer and my life has been in shambles ever since. Even though my mother is not here anymore, I just cannot help the fact that I feel this resentment towards the world. I resent God for taking her away, I resent my friends and family for not having to go through what I went through in terms of grieving and loosing a parent and I am just an emotional basket case and have become repulsive.

Last year, when it first happened, I didn't deal with my emotions. I suppressed them to the best of my ability by staying locked in my room and binge eating. I numbed myself by staying reclusive. Now a year has gone by and i'm 30 pounds heavier but now im starting to acknowledge the emotions that were held dormant. I'm very angry that I have to go through this. I'm very angry that none of my friends or family members can relate to what Im going through in any way and that causes me to lash out on them. I even physically attacked my ex best friend because she failed to understand how I was feeling.

My emotions are very raw and it is pushing people away from me. I EXPECT people to be there for me every waking moment, failing to note that they have their own lives too. And so I fight with them and lash out because idk thats the only way I can get the frustration out. I feel very alone and isolated. Im a senior in college and I am 22 and I should be enjoying my life. But instead, I always stay in my room because I don't have anyone here that I can really relate to.

I guess my goal in joining this support group is to rationalize my feelings and to put myself in an atmosphere that others who have gone through loosing a parent can help me understand why I am doing this. Has anyone else behaved similarly? what should I do about my anger? Ive been seeing a therapist and taking up boxing but nothing seems to stick because in the end I always put myself in this hole that I dont think I can come out of.

[cindyjane]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my mom a year ago and dad a month ago so still trying to muddle through my feelings.  I've heard it said that we all grieve differently and in coming here for the past year and reading what others share, I agree with that.  We seem to go through the same kinds of feelings, sadness, anger, fear, frustration, etc. at different times.  There is nothing wrong with having these feelings .... the important thing is what we do with them?  Lashing out at others will only have them keeping a distance from us at a time when we probably need them the most.  A lot of the frustration I had was from feeling that others did not understand what I was going through.  And the truth is, unless they've gone through such a loss themselves, they just couldn't understand.  I know that prior to losing my parents if a friend lost a parent I felt very bad for that friend and was sincere with my condolences but I didn't really understand until I lost my mom.  When I figured that out, the anger and frustration left me.  Another thing that helped me handle my emotions better was in thinking about what my parents would want for me.  I know that they wouldn't want me to feel bad, angry, sad or frustrated.  They would want me to be the best person that I can be and try to get on with my life in a good way.  At this point I am feeling mostly sad when I think about my parents and that is when I let the tears flow.  Tears are very healing and although they seem to come often, those sad feelings don't last long anymore.  Please take care of yourself and think about what your mom would want for you.  

 

Cindy Jane

[KID72]

Ada, I am so sorry for your loss. I am also new to this forum. I applaud that you recognize you are struggling with your grief and reaching out. This is a good place to start. The way I have tried to deal with the loss of my Dad is to be open and honest with my feelings. I still talk about him everyday and I don't care if it makes anyone feel uncomfortable. I do my best to just let the feelings out. Lots of ugly crying, but joy too at the same time. I have dark days, but like Cindy said, I think of what my Dad would want for me. Maybe find a local grief support group near you, maybe at school......or reach out to anyone you know that has suffered the loss of a loved one. We all go through these emotions and it really does feel good to be around people that understand. I wish you healing peace, xoxo.~Erin