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Sinking under the weight


wpost

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I lost my darling Mother over 2 weeks ago after over a year of pure torment. During an emergency surgery for perforated diverticulitis with peritonitis and sepsis in September of 2013, she was diagnosed with Stage IV colorectal cancer. Liver lesions were not biopsied, but presumed to be malignant, and the tumor, which was not deemed inoperable, was never resected. She received NO TREATMENT this entire year, had a number of complications, including a wound dehiscence and wound abscess, etc...Last month, she suddenly began feeling an excruciating pain in her right foot, went to the ER, and was admitted for observation. Three days later, we were told that she was becoming septic and would require a leg amputation above the knee, which she agreed to. The surgery was a success, but the next day she was badgered about her original cancer diagnosis to a point you would not believe. Apparently, some physicians feel that if you are diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer, there is no sense treating you for anything else. And what if one is meant to be one of the many success stories, increasing in number each day, where either a cure is achieved or it is turned into a chronic illness? Ah well. The cause of her death is listed as septic shock, though her only blood culture returned as negative. Even after her passing, I have had to deal with a heartless hospital and the worst kind of insult added to injury. They feel that I am owed no explanation, either for the events of the past year or the final hospitalization.

Anyhow, these extreme circumstances, coupled with the fact that we only had each other and relied upon each other completely, have made my grief seem truly insurmountable. I am an only child and have no family. I am doing this all alone, am still working on burial plans with no help, though I have been devastated emotionally, psychologically, physically, and financially. I have reached out for assistance and guidance everywhere I could think of, but received absolutely nothing in return. My Mother was so wonderful, and she would do quite literally anything to help her fellow human beings, whether she knew them personally or not. That attitude, unfortunately, seems to be a liability in the society we inhabit. The world is changing. I spoke with a physician who treated my Mother a few years ago and he said that our story is the future of healthcare, as specialties become fragmented and care becomes haphazard. I wish there were something that could be done to change all of this. At least it would lend some meaning to this horror.

I awake frightened each morning. Having forgotten that she is no longer here for me to love and to care for, that her sweetness no longer brightens this world, I experience the waves of anguish afresh. From others who have suffered similar calamities, I am told that this feeling will never leave me, though it may or may not diminish. My life is a void without her. I cannot bear her absence. I just want to be with her.

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Hi

 

Your post made me cry and I had to reply.

 

I so feel your pain and just wanted you to know that you are not alone, I am thinking of you.

 

I found this site yesterday and Its good to let out all that you are feeling inside. 

 

If you need a friend who understands I am here.

 

Love and Light

 

 

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I am soooooo sorry for your loss.  I could really relate to the broken health care system you speak of.  My mom's hospitalization prior to her passing was a nightmare.  The human element of caring for the sick seems to have been replaced with other things....like hospital budgets, programs set up to save money, etc.  It is a sad world because everything seems to revolve around money and greed which takes the human element out of all things that are meant to be good. 

 

The toughest thing is to deal with our feelings after losing such a loved one.  My mom left us a year ago and my heart still aches over this but gratefully time really is a healer.  I am finding now that when I think about my dear mom, I still feel sad but the good memories of a life-time of love are surfacing so it is a different kind of sadness that I feel. 

I would suggest to just go with your feelings ... with the tears ... and ask the Good Lord for comfort because HE does give us that when we ask. 

 

take care and know that you are not alone.

Cindy Jane

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I'm so sorry! I too understand the broken health care system. Mom was in and out of the hospital for about 2 months before she passed due to the copd. Finally when it became clear that she wasn't rebounding from this last episode we were told on a Sunday that if she didn't pass by Monday morning she was being transferred to a local nursing home because there was nothing else they could do in the hospital. I understand that but it was just so cold and calculating the way they did it. I know mom didn't want that so I tried talking to her, not knowing if she heard/understood me or not. Between Friday and Sunday all her brother's and sister's were there to see her. About 5:00 pm Sunday her last sister left. I think that's what she was holding on for. I told her that she was going to a nursing home if she didn't experience a miracle or go home to God over night. I wanted to stay with her as I didn't want her to pass alone. About 3 am I started getting this horrible panic attack. I think that was her way of getting me out of there. She passed at 7:05 am, right after the doctor called about setting up the transfer. At least she passed in the hospital is all I can think of.

The pain is overwhelming right now and I can't see how it will ever get better.

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Thank you all for your messages. How many have to suffer before things are changed? Human beings should not be treated like this. It is in these most delicate of situations that people need to be treated with care and compassion, not manhandled and dehumanized. I was shocked to see the same attitudes over and over again...poor training is obviously to blame and our society must address this travesty. I have no doubt that if my Mother had received proper care beginning last year, we would by now have been back to leading our happy, productive lives...It is one thing to say that medical science doesn't yet have a solution to a particular problem, but it is quite another to say that there could be a solution, but I don't feel like bothering to figure it out, and since you got stuck with me, I'll make your case so convoluted that no other physician will ever figure it out either!    

 

So,what do we do now? Our worlds are changed forever...their love for us and ours for them is unaltered...no, it is increased...the thing that keeps recurring to me is that if I am to go on at all, I must spend my time honoring her in every way that I can. I'm just so tired though, and it is difficult to concentrate, much less plan. We made all of our plans together. This has taken a terrible physical toll as well. It's the deficit I feel that adds so much turmoil to it all...I have to dig myself out of this hole while grieving and planning for her burial, and pursuing answers to the medical questions...I am most tired when I awake each morning--to have to plod through this terrifying situation is truly overwhelming... 

 

 

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First off, I want to say I am truly sorry for the loss of your mom Wpost. It is very hard to lose someone so loved and so needed. It is even harder to watch their health decline and not be able to do anything about. I do agree with you. Unfortunately the “bed side manner” in the medical field has gotten worse. I too have lost loved ones that may still be here today if they would have received better medical attention.

As you said, the world is changing. When you look around today, nothing is getting better, but instead taking a turn for the worse. What has helped me to not dwell on such a negative future is to continue looking ahead to a positive future. You said, “I wish there were something that could be done to change all this.” No person or government can do anything to change the conditions of this world, so I look to a heavenly government that God has set up that will soon undo all the damage that has been done on and to this earth. We are given the hope of seeing the wicked “cut off from the earth” and those who's selfishness harms others, “will be torn away from it.” This government will bring prosperity and security to the earth, generously providing for the needs of all it's subjects.

One of the main prospects to look forward to is no longer having to worry about dealing with physicians because there won't be a need for them. Those that will live under this government will be set free from the aging process (Job 33:25), never get sick because there will be no more health problems (Isa. 33:24) and death will be a distant memory (Isa. 25:8). But, what truly gets me through the difficult days? The hope of seeing dead loved ones again on a Paradise earth, in perfect health. Just imagine waking up and going to the other room and your mother is there, brand new as it were, in full health and youth. (Job 14:14, 15)

As we look ahead to these times, know that Jehovah does feel and see our pain. We are told that He is near to those that are broken at heart for He is called “the God of comfort who comforts us in all our trials.” He tells us to “pour out our hearts to Him and He will prove to be our refuge.” I know during this time, you feel like you have no one because it was just you and your mom, but God is with you. There are many examples of how Jehovah supported His people in the past, giving them the strength to go on and to overcome various trials and hardships. The same is still true today, as I have personally experienced it. Whenever you wake up frightened, remember God is there telling you “Do not be afraid. I myself will help you. (Isa. 41:13)” Say a prayer and rely on Him to get you through this difficult time.

I hope this brings you some comfort and some hope. May your mother's memory live on in your heart, as you continue “to honor her in every way possible.”

Hopeful,

Kim Bailey

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