Dad is taking over my life

[Pinkangel22]

I could really do with some advice or help.

My mum passed away 1 year ago. She was an alcholic and was very ill. Dad spent his whole life looking after her in one way or another. He lost all of his friends through this. Since her passing there has not been 1 single day that I haven't seen him. I love him dearly but it is really getting on top of me now.

 

I have 2 brothers who walked away from my parents 10 years ago, one of them got in touch when she passed but only to see if there was any money left to him.

 

My dad suffers from servere panic and anxiety attacks so introducing him to new people and or support groups is a big no no. He is under the doctor for help but this is proving very slow indeed (this has been going on for 20+ years). He kept it hidden from me when mum was around so I have only really found out the full extent of his condition in this past year.

I truly feel so selfish and guilty for writing this but honestly do not know where to turn for help and support. My own friends have now stopped inviting me out as I normally have to turn up late or leave early so he is not on his own. My partner is my only saving grace but he himself has recently been diagnosed with depression. I feel like I am in a pressure cooker and it is going to exlpode. I don't believe I have grieved for my mum (or not been given the time to). Luckily for me I do not have any children but I do feel solely responsable for my dad now it's like I have a child.

I am at a loss and would really like to connect with people who have some idea of what I am going through. I feel if I carry on like this it will be me under the doctor for depression.

How do I ask him for some of my life back without hurting him?

[cindyjane]

Hi Pinkangel

So sorry for the loss of your mom, and that you are concerned about your dad.  Gratefully your dad is under the care of a doctor and although it is slow going, hopefully this will help.  After my mom passed away a year ago I helped my dad out with things he needed a hand with and found myself worrying about him to the point that I was not giving him much space or having any space of my own.  In looking back, I was a bit over the top with concerns and worries.  I think I under-estimated him in many ways.  Sadly, he passed away a few weeks ago and I don't have any regrets over this because he knew I did it out of love but in the process I neglected myself and my needs.  One of which was that I put my friends on the back burner in this past year and didn't allow myself that social time that I needed or time for myself.  Today I can see that I was afraid of losing my dad too and wanted every moment with him that I could have.  There were many times when he told me to go out and not worry about him .... he didn't want me to live my life soley for him.  I am not sure what to say or suggest ... I can only share my own story with the hope that something helps. 

 

Just know that these times will pass and look after YOU.  take care

 

Cindy Jane

 

[msmom]

Hi, Sorry I was reading bios and missed you before you left chat. Sounded like you needed help so I came here. Im so sorry your current life is so stressful with all you wrote going on. First I want to remind you that this is temporary - at any time you can make choices, however hard they may be to make, to change this situation. Then that will be your new temporary until you choose another change. What is so hard is that the choices to make a change come with the need to come to terms with it being totally okay for you to make a choice to change. So many get stuck because fam, friends, society have given them a message that they 'have to' do certain things. So then they take on that message as if its the law and true. It isn't. Another words "to be a good daughter you should (theres that bad word that causes all this)________".  When in reality you would still be a good daughter if you do your best at any given time to take care of the needs of family AND yourself. Not at the expense of self. I'm a very outward focused person, giving in so many ways to so many. However I have clear understanding and acceptance that life is about balance. That there are times when we have to say no to people. And in case of being the one they depend on, we have to reach out for others to step in to support them so not the sole provider getting sick.  My first thought is it would do you good to start seeing a therapist/counselor who can help you come to terms with a healthy acceptance of limits and boundaries and some ways to start putting them in place without feeling guilty. When you go on a plane they tell you "put the mask on yourself first, then tend to children" as it is just basic to survival that we can't help others if we haven't helped ourselves first.  The therapist would help you work through the selfish guilty feelings to see that it is not so to reach out for help or have boundaries. And hardest of all - to see that there will likely be a time when he will need help and you will be unable to come to his aid but instead it would be someone else and it would be unhealthy for you to feel responsible for his every moment and bad things that happen to him if you aren't there to save him.  One thing you can do on your own before even seeing a therapist is to just tell your dad that you are working on taking care of your own health and to do that you need to have more time so that instead of seeing him every day you will see him every other day. small steps. then you can one day move to every third day. calling on the days you don't see him but not going there. I hope this helps and you get some relief soon.

[Pinkangel22]

Thank you for sharing your story with my CindyJane and I am also sorry for your losses. 

 

Dad is such a lovely man but he is very stuck in his ways and needs routine. I also work with him so I see him all day at work and then he wants to do things in the evening. Currently I get 2 nights off a week if I am lucky. He has no friends just me. If I arrange to see friends or do things on the nights I am supposed to see him he has a full on panic attack and I have to cancel. Recently I went to a friends wedding and I received a text from him to makesure we were going to go out together the following day. He is so lonely but will not mix with anyone, join clubs or have a social life.

I really don't know what to do. I have started snapping at him, it's not his fault and I feel so guilty afterwards.

I have talked to him about this and he changes for a little bit but then as quick as I blink he is back to his ways.

This probably seems the most selfish thing that people can read especially if they have lost people but I feel like my own life has died the day my mum did and I have no clue how to get any of it back without hurting the most important person in the world to me.

[Pinkbaggirl]

Hi Pinkangel. Sorry for your loss and for the stress you are experiencing. It is hard being the main caregiver, and you are at risk of burning out.

 

Can you afford a carer to stay with your dad some nights? Is there a church group or some sort of group therapy he could be involved with?

 

I think you need to speak to his doctor/psychiatrist, because you need to have your own life as well. Panic attacks can be treated - is he on medication for the panic attacks?

 

Thinking of you.

 

Liv

[Pinkangel22]

Hi Liv,

Thank you so much for taking the time to post a reply to my thread.

Unfortunatley dad is a very unique kind of person and will not allow strangers in his home. He is getting treatment for his anxiety and panick attacks but it is a very slow process. I have accompanied him to his last 2 sessions and tried to highlight that fact that its is just me that is there for him, all they say is how lovely he has someone like you! I am hopeful once his new medication and treatment get sorted I may be able to get him to join some social clubs.

 

I started this thread in the hope typing it and getting it off my chest would help me and I can honestly say it has. Just getting the thoughts out of my head and onto the screen are making me feel a little better.

I even managed to talk to him yesterday and had a night out with my friend (without him texting me). So hoping small steps may work.

 

Thanks again

 

:-)

[BaileyB]

Hi there,

My situation was not as difficult as yours, in that there was no preexisting problems with mental health. However, I too spent time caring for my father after my mother's passing, much to the detriment of my health and relationships. My father did not really seem to notice this... So lost was he in his own grief. I compared it to a drowning person... When I tried to be with him and help him, as a drowning person would grab onto the rescuer and take them under with no thought to their safety... That is what I felt my dad was doing at the time. At a certain point, I needed to develop some very clear boundaries with my father... Important to protect my health and well being. In this, I saw a counsellor to help me deal with the situation. It was very helpful to me, just to be able to talk and problem solve certain things...

It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job, supporting your father and helping him to connect with others who can help. I would encourage you to do what you need to care for yourself... Best wishes to you and your family during this very difficult time.