Why is it getting harder?

[Clare F]

I lost my mum on 30th April 2014. I am an only child and had a very close relationship with my mum. She was diagnosed with ms before I was born 38 years ago but managed to live a normal life until about 10 years ago with only a few attacks causing her problems. Then as her health deteriorated she was diagnosed with copd. A year ago she developed a dvt and then had a heart attack. Since then was admitted to hospital a further 2 times with pneumonia, the last admission was 3rd Feb this year. She deteriorated rapidly during this 3 month stay which was heartbreaking to watch. I visited the hospital every single night as could not bear the thought of her feeling alone but then felt so guilty about leaving my husband and young children every night. I never thought that mum wouldn't come home from hospital and found her a place at a local nursing home when it became apparent that she would not be able to care for herself any more. But she continued to go downhill and she made the decision to refuse food and medication. It was just heartbreaking to watch. She was only 65. At the end of April I was due to go to a close friends hen weekend to a cottage. Mum convinced me to go and it was while there I received the dreaded phone call from the hospital saying I was needed. I rushed back and cannot get the vision of her out of my mind. She was on an extremely high dose of oxygen and could hardly talk. I couldn't bear to see her struggling like this. The doctors explained that there was nothing more they could do and would be withdrawing treatment. I slept at the hospital for the next 2 nights but the kids were upset and wanted to see me. I popped home to see them and while at home received the call to say her breathing had become very shallow. I raced back to the hospital but arrived about 2 minutes after she had passed. I honestly think she waited until I wasn't there as she never wanted me to witness her going. I just can't erase the memories of the last few days. It's my last thought at night and first thought of a morning. I just feel heartbroken and finding it hard to control my emotions. I have no patience (not good with 2young kids!) and then beat myself up because of the way I have spoken to my family. My husband deserves a medal. I just can't do anything about it although I do try. I thought it would start to get easier but I cry every night and feel like it's all getting on top of me. Is this normal?! Xx

[BaileyB]

I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing a parent and having the responsibility of caring for children at home - to be pulled in two very different directions. I wish you strength in your journey... Take care.

[cindyjane]

Clare, I am so sorry for your loss.  A few things you shared really hit home with me as I just lost my dad a couple of weeks ago.  I really get the part of the images of seeing our loved ones suffer sticking with us.  That being said, I do have to say that in putting it all into perspective that I know that although several hours prior to my dad's passing he struggled and was in pain, they immediately administered some medications for pain, to relax him as well as other meds. to make him comfortable.  I could see that he was comfortable once they did this and put him on palliative care. 

 

I also think you may be right about your mom waiting until you weren't there to leave on her next journey.  I was there when my dad passed on and seconds prior to him leaving us, I told him several things ... what a wonderful man, husband, friend and dad he is.  I also told him that he was about to go on a most wonderful journey and be reunited with my mom (who passed away a year ago), I let him know that us kids would all be just fine.  Immediately after that he took his last breath.  I feel that something I said was something that he needed to hear.  I've heard many people say that they've sat with a parent for days on their death bed and when they left to use the washroom, or grab a coffee, or run home to tend to a task, that is when their parent passed on.  There really is something to be said about that.  There is so much about death and dying that we don't know, and we won't know until it is our turn but with my whole heart and being, I know that GOD is in charge and HE loves us and is good to us.  We may not see it that way when we go through these difficult loses but I truly believe that we are in the best of hands, no matter what.

 

In sharing one more thing, at times the image of when my dad was struggling (prior to the medications for comfort) my heart gets very heavy and what really helps me with that is to look at the things I should be grateful for.  For starters that I was blessed to have him for my dad.  Also, that I had him for as long as I have.  For all that he taught me, and on and on.  Mostly though, when those images come to my mind, I think about what both my mom and dad would want for me.  They would want me to get on with my life, be happy, be a good sister, good aunt, good friend and just a good person.  Just as I am sure that your mom wants the same for you.  It makes a parent happy in life when their children are happy, just as I believe it makes them happy now.

 

I sure hope some of this helps you because I do know your struggle and just wanted to share what helps me through all of this.

take care

Cindy Jane 

[kb521259]

Clare F,

I want to begin by saying how sorry I am for the loss of your mother. There are very few things in life that will affect you more deeply than the death of a parent, especially when you are as close to them as you were with your mom. We sometimes feel that the pain of losing a loved one is so deep, it will never go away. When expressing the different way people grieve, one book said, “There are those that can move on with relative ease. Others cannot. Your emotions maybe leveling off….or even more intense. Maybe your grief comes in waves that seem to ebb and flow and then “crash ashore” at unexpected moments. This is normal, even if it occurs years later.” Don’t rush your grief nor feel compelled to meet some “deadline” at which point you think you should feel better. Grief is a normal and natural response to the loss of someone we love. I do have good news for you though: recovery is possible. Just like it takes time for a severe wound to heal, likewise recovering from grief will take time, whether it be months or a few years…or longer. Eventually, the pain we first experienced will lessen in time and life will gradually seem less bleak and meaningless.

What has really helped me is not holding my emotions in, but letting them out. Crying helps ease the pain of grief. If you feel tears welling up, let them out. It also helps to talk about your feelings and your mom, instead of leaving them bottled up inside, even if it hurts to. If you find it difficult to talk, keeping a journal, writing out thoughts about your mom and memories you shared can help ease the pain. When those memories of her last days creep into your mind, try to replace them with happy memories and special moments that you two shared, such as the things you liked to do together, the little secrets you shared, jokes she told, anything that would bring a smile to your face instead of continued pain to your heart.

The biggest thing that has helped me is my faith, relying on God and believing in the promises set out in God’s word. The Bible tells us that He “is close to those brokenhearted; He saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalms 34:18), so rely on Him when you feel it’s too much. Whenever I get sad or begin thinking someone I’ve lost, I remember that in a short time, “there is going to be a resurrection of both the righteous and the unrighteous.” (Acts 24:15) Jesus told Martha when her brother Lazarus died, “your brother will rise”. So I am also looking forward to the day when they will “rise” too. Thinking of all the things we’ll be able to do together on that beautiful Paradise earth once they come back helps to bring hope and joy to my heart. Most of them also dealt with difficult illnesses such as lung cancer sarcoidosis, so knowing they will be in perfect health, restored to “the days of his youthful vigor”, being able to take a deep breath without pain or coughing and wheezing or being able to wake up and not take pills so they can function that day brings a smile to my heart. Then, knowing never again will they be sick because sickness, pain and death will be gone heightens my excitement for the future even more. I will then have the hope of eternity with them…what more could I ask for?? And to know this is a certainty because God has a heartfelt desire to undo death by means of a resurrection gives me even more strength to continue on: “You will call, and he will answer. They shall live at His command. For He will have a longing for the work of His own hands.” (Job 14:14, 15)

I didn’t mean for this to be as long as it is, but I hope this helps you some. Have something that you can hold onto when you have those moments, to help you through them. Confide in someone, such as your husband and maybe even keep a journal filled of loving memories.

Feel free to talk to me anytime you need to.

My prayers are with you and your family to help you cope.

Kim Bailey

[Lomax01]

Hi Clare, I lost my mum on 21st April this year. It was the day after my 39th birthday. Your words really resonate with me as I feel the same way. It's coming up to her birthday this weekend and I just can't stop crying and can't face people. It's so hard isn't it?! I'm looking forward to the day I can think of her and not think of the days when she was poorly. And to think of her and smile rather than feel gutted. I feel your pain and I hope that helps you to feel less alone and more reassured that it's normal to feel the way you do. Hopefully, after a year of experiencing all the 'firsts' - first birthday without her, Christmas without her etc, it will become easier. Becky x

[Clare F]

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I really do wish you all the best and hopefully we will all have much happier times in the near future xxxxx

[Clare F]

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I really do wish you all the best and hopefully we will all have much happier times in the near future xxxxx

[EllieT]

Hi Clare,

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum first of all. I read your post and it sounded so similar to my situation. I lost my mum on the 29th august this year. I can't believe I'm even writing those words. I too am an only child and I am so close to my mum. She is my mum, sister, best friend, everything to me. I miss her so much it physically hurts, I am just so completely lost and I feel destroyed.

I have two young children and everyone keeps telling me " well you've got the children, you can focus on them, but actually it makes it even harder as I can't grieve properly as I have to hold in my feelings sometimes, especially in front of my 4 year old as it was starting to affect her.

My mum only started with a bit of back pain last Christmas and eventually they discovered in was pancreatic cancer. The suffering and pain she went through won't leave me. I too went to see her one day and she could hardly breathe and couldn't speak. It was devastating. I sat with her talking to her and then her friend sat with her for a while while I had a "break". Her friend then came running to get me to say mum was going. I've never run so fast to back back to her. When I got there she was gone..I screamed that I wasn't there, I wasn't there!! Then suddenly my mum took one last breath and I believe she heard me and wanted to let me know that I was there at the end. I can't get this image out of my head. I just don't know what to do, I can't bear it without her.

[Clare F]

Hi Ellie

The similarities are really quite scary. I really really feel for you. I am desperately trying to remember the things we did together and our relationship before all of this. We are both really lucky to have had that bond with our mums.

Sometimes I just want to crawl away on my own for a while but it's impossible with 2 young kids. I love them dearly but feel pulled in every direction.

I wish you all the best and will be thinking of you as we both try and build our lives again. Xxxx