An Introduction

[The Veil]

Hello-

 

Since I'm new to this forum I wanted to introduce myself.

 

The three month annversary of the love of my life is coming up....

I'll give a very skinny version of my background: I'm in my late 40's, I'm originally from New York and I moved to Florida temporarily the end beginning of November 2012 due to unfortunate circumstances. The love of my life and I were to move in together on July 2 of this year. Late June I flew up to NY where my house has been in storage and then I was moving that to New England to our new home on July 2nd.  He ended up in the hospital early morning June 30th, I arrived at the hospital later that day and he died a few days later.

 

I've had more than my share of deaths over the years,But none have affected me as profoundly as the loss of my best friend, the love of my life and the man I was going to marry and grow old with.

 

I have no one that can relate to what I am experiencing and although I know people mean well, they say a lot of thoughtless things. ie: a. when you're ready, you'll meet someone new and fall in love again. b. you have to get over this. c. the pain will go away with time and it will get easier. d. you're not as outgoing as you used to be - you're not the same. e. Your memory is impeccable and the month of July was mostly a blur for you? you need help! Get grief counseling.

Responses are actually more delicately said lest we offend someone but this is what I'm really thinking: a. The last thing I am thinking of is my next prospect. b. I don't have to get over anything.... and if I do,  it's in my time - not yours.c. My pain will never go away, and I will never stop missing him.... What will happen is I will learn to adjust to my new life over time - A life without him in it. d. No, I'm not the same and I don't know that I ever will be - part of my soul was ripped out. e. Walk a mile in a person's shoes - then get back to me on that.

 

I've already severed a 36 year friendship with one of my best friends because she was so thoughtless, emotionally draining, and such a witch through out my experience - Although she tried to be supportive, I think she needs medication and therapy. That's not to say I do not wish her well and of course I do love her. Truthfully, I am tired of always giving and getting nothing back but grief from her. She has always been more work than she is a pleasure and I always have to walk on egg shells with her. I no longer have the fortitude or patience to deal with her nonsense anymore. The rest of my family and circle of close friends agree with me. If there is one positive thing that I have learned from this experience, I realized there is no reason to maintain a friendship for the sake of longevity's sake when the relationship has more downs than ups.

 

I'm actually a very nice person.... I just have very sarcastic remarks inside my head that I can share here and not with the actual people irritating me.

 

When I have a question or need to vent, I hope this forum will be a place I can find others that can relate to what I am feeling with similar losses - maybe share on what has worked for you. Hopefully, I will be able to help and comfort others in return.

Anyway, nice to be a part of this forum.... and thank you for letting introduce myself and letting me vent.

[Macrockaus]

[CX83]

Amazing posts, Thanks a lot!

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[HeyJude]

Hi Veil and welcome.  You have come to the right place!  If anybody is going to understand you and know exactly how to react it is the great people here on this forum.

 

Even my best friend has let me down emotionally.  She doesn't call me anymore, she just sends cards.  That is nuts.  I know it is because she doesn't know how to handle the "sad" me.  It would be perfect if she would just cry with me and say she misses my hubby too.  But I guess those who have never experienced this type of loss just don't know what to do.

 

There is usually somebody here to talk with.  I offer my sincerest condolences on the loss of your boyfriend.  It really sucks.

[Shattered14]

Hi Veil,

I too have heard just about every stupid, thoughtless and insensitive remark you can think of. I am about the same age as you and I lost my soulmate 4 months before our wedding day. It was completely unexpected and has torn me apart. It has been just over 7 months and I have seen the people in my life in a completely different light. Some have disappointed me to such an extent that I cant stand to be around them. This includes family as well as some so-called friends. I remain in contact with certain family members as I feel a twisted sense of obligation but I really dont want to. No one can truly understand the depth of my pain unless they have walked in my shoes. That is the reason I continue to come back to this forum. It is because those on here do know as they are walking a similar if not exactly the same path and can relate to all of the feelings and emotions that torture me every day. Im grateful for the words of understanding that I see on this site. It doesnt help the pain but it does make a difference to know that someone understands.

[The Veil]

Hi Indhu-

You lost your husband at such a young age and I am so very sorry for your loss.

 

Because you are younger does not mean you do not hold a wealth of experience or wisdom. Give yourself more credit: Age is a just number…. Experience and what you do with it is what makes you wiser.  So share away.
 

Regarding friends that failed to reach out because they didn’t know what to say, I’ve had that too. A few friends called me a month after he passed and told me just that.  I explained I understood it was uncomfortable for them and the only thing a person can do is acknowledge the loss, which they did – nothing will bring him back to life or change the situation. Better late than never and truthfully, I wasn’t feeling chatty. I still don’t feel chatty.  But I am forcing myself out of my shell depending on my comfort level. I’ve become very unsocial and hard to talk since his passing and I used to be a social butterfly.

 

Hi Hey Jude and Shattered14 -

I am truly sorry for both of your losses. I would never wish this experience on anyone. Shattered… it’s a perfect name. I can relate to your loss considering you lost your fiancé right before your wedding.  It’s truly devastating. You’re not only mourning the loss of your love, but the life that never started.

 

I had written a lengthy post, but it’s way too long and just a lot of venting. Big hugs to all three of you. Thank you for responding, sharing your experiences and I am so very sorry for your losses.