I am my father's daughter

[Pinkbaggirl]

I am my father's daughter in so many ways. I inherited many of his good and bad qualities. I even followed the same career path. My dad was a professor, an academic. I am an academic because of him. Today I taught such a great class - the students were having "aha" moments and I could tell they were enjoying learning. After class when I was back in my office, I thought of my dad and how I will never be able to talk to him about education again. He always believed in me and thought I could do anything.

I feel so lost. I am 38 years old but I feel, for the first time, like I'm nobody's little girl anymore. The irony is that I'm closer to my mom than I was to my father, but now that my dad's gone I feel like I'm no one's daughter anymore. I was the only daughter (I have two brothers) and because of that I always had a special place in my dad's heart. I was his favorite.

My marriage is not doing well. Hubby was supportive immediately after my dad's death and with the funeral. But now he is withdrawn.

I can't help wondering - does any man ever love a woman the way he loves his little girl.

I feel like my number one champion is gone. I want my father back. And I have so many regrets. I wish I spent more time with him. I wish I told him thank you more often for all he ever did for me.

I wish I could wake up and discover this was a nightmare and that my pappa is still alive.

[ryukyu_champloo]

I joined this website after reading this post because what you wrote speaks to me the most.  I too was closer to my mother, but my father was always my number one supporter.  He gave the best advices!

He passed away on September 13th, 2014 as he was fishing in a boat at his favorite lake in the world (family cabin in Soda Springs, Idaho).  We are all certain he did not drown.  He was a Navy vet (strong swimmer) and new the resevoir like the back of his hand.  He'd been going there since he was 3 and went fishing by himself all the time.  We assume he had a heart attack or stroke (he was not a healthy man) then fell into the water as he passed out.  Coroner says it looks like he went peacefully.  It took someone 2 days to notice he was gone and 6 days to find his body.  I drove up from California as soon as I hear about it and spent all week on the  boat looking for him with my family and search and rescue.

Before that incident, I had visited him for the first time in two years on August 27th and got to spend a week with him.  I remember the first time he opened the door to greet me he let a little wavering sigh of happiness because of how long it had been since we'd seen each other. 

I miss him so much.  I want him back.  I want nothing more to hear the sound of his voice.  Sometimes I'll forget he's gone and try to call him only to remember he won't answer the other line. 

 

[Pinkbaggirl]

I am so sorry for your loss. I also want my dad back. It has been a month but I still can't accept it. I feel like I am just going through the motions at work. It's like I am in a sort of denial. I wish this was just a dream, that I'd wake up and my father would still be alive.

[ryukyu_champloo]

If you don't mind me asking, how are you sleeping?  I was wondering how people are coping in that area because that is where I struggle.  During the day I feel numb and go through the motions of the day, but it's the moments I just wake up and go to sleep where I have the hardest.  I just stay awake until I nod off from exhaustion.  I've already had a hard time sleeping, but it's gotten worse.

[Pinkbaggirl]

The first week I was in shock. Crying makes me sleepy, so I slept easily because I was worn out from crying. When I woke up I felt so depressed because the first thing I'd remember was that pappa was gone.

Are you married? My husband helped a lot. It would've been even harder for me if I was single.

I wish I had more time. I felt guilty because I didn't do more for dad or spend more time with him.

My mom, my brothers, my sister-in-law and I were in the hospital ICU around my dad's bed when my dad's heart stopped beating. He was unconscious in ICU but we spoke to him because the nurse told us he could hear us. His heart rate kept dropping lower and lower. It was so hard when he flatlined, when we saw 0 on the monitor.

Writing about it now, it hurts. I want to cry again. To be honest, the way I'm coping is denial, trying not to think of my dad. I know I'm supposed to feel the pain and grief, but if I fall apart how will I be able to function at work?

The worst is that the grief comes in waves and I can't predict when something will trigger the pain.

It's so unfair to me that my dad is dead. Some people still have parents who live to their 80s or 90s. My dad didn't even live to 70. He was 69.

I am grateful for the time I had though - some people are orphaned as children, grow up without parents. I'm thankful for my dad but I wasn't ready to lose him. I guess one is never ready to lose a parent.

Thinking of you. Wish I was there to comfort you. People don't understand unless they've lost a parent. The first two weeks I didn't even want to talk to friends who still had parents. I felt jealous and angry and I knew there was no way they could imagine the pain.

I am glad you spent time with your dad the last week of August. It was a gift, that precious time together. The day my dad died, that afternoon I visited my dad in hospital (he was still conscious then, not in ICU yet). When my mom and brother left, something in my spirit told me to stay longer (I believe God told me to stay longer), so I stayed with dad a few more hours. I am so thankful for that extra time I had alone with dad.

Sometimes the pain feels unbearable. One of my friends lost her dad 7 years ago. I asked her how long it took for her to feel "normal" again. She said it took her 3 years. That scares me. I can't deal with 3 years of this kind of pain.

Feel free to send me an email message if you want to chat.

Hugs

Olivia

[fotographersgirl]

I lost my dad almost a month ago now. I am a photographer, and also share a lot of my interests with my dad. My Dad taught me how to develope film and print in a darkroom. His photos were the first photos I ever saw, and were the first example of what a good photo was. He gave me the great gift of my career.

I am upset by so many things I don't know where to start. I was with him when he died, but i still wish I had spent more time with him. I think about him every time I go to the grocery store because I always bought the things I knew he liked.

He had some surgeries and needed help, and I am very happy he did need me, because it gave me the opportunity to have spent a lot of time with him this year.

I am not sure if anyone else is as upset as I am. Not even my mother. She was so difficult this year, and so needy I spent so much time with her, trying to make her feel as if she was being listened to, and that I was there for her too. She was so unappreciative of my help, and even seemed jealous of the attention my Dad was getting. I am actually upset now thinking of all the time I spent talking to her, that I should have been spending with my Dad, knowing now what little time he had left.

I also am feeling that it is very unfair that there are so many people walking around ALIVE, when my Dad is gone, even though I know that it is unreasonable to even think this.