loss of a mother

[nini26]

I lost my mother a week and two days ago. Me and my sister got home and we found her in the bathroom on the floor sink still running... I am the oldest of 3, so I have had to take the lead while dealing with funeral arrangements.. My mom was only 48, she was diagnosed with congestive heart failure in December of last year, I moved her in with me so I could take care of her because she wasn't doing well on her own. She was finally doing better all her doctors were at a point of only seeing her monthly when they had been seeing her twice a week... She was about to get a defibrillator because her heart still wasn't where it needed to be.. she had no blockages, no blood clots... nothing... She died because she had an arrhythmia... She was alone in a bathroom... I feel guilty because when I left that morning, I forgot to tell her I love you... I was upset at my daughter and nephew and just said I'll be back and left... Which I never ever did... I tried CPR, I tried everything but she was already gone... I can't get the image of her lying on the floor eyes open glazed over mouth open purple in the face out of my head.... I'm angry with her, with God, with myself... But mostly I'm numb... I had to tell my daughter she passed, and I got more angry with her, I just kept saying to myself how dare you do this she's 4 she needs you. I felt like I was taking part of my daughter's innocence away... I feel like I'm going crazy... I Just don't want to deal with it, I can't... I feel like I'm in a bad dream and I can't wake up... I would do anything to see my mommy, tell her I love her just one more time...

I just feel lost...

[cindyjane]

Hi nini

 

I am so sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you and I will keep you and your family in my prayers.  I lost both of my parents in less than a year and went through some guilt over this, feeling that I could have done more but the truth is, when it is someone's time to go ... it is their time to go ... and there is nothing we can do about it.  In saying that you did everything that you could.  You had your mom live with you which is HUGE ... you tried CPR. 

 

In this past year I have struggled with many things; that I could have done more, the thought that I won't be seeing them again until it's my turn to go, I wished I told them more often that I loved them, I regretted any disagreements that we had throughout my life, and on and on.  But the bottom line is that my parents knew how much I loved them and that is what this life is all about, LOVE.  My dad left us just a week ago so my feelings are still pretty raw and when my heart gets heavy I just remember that I will never "get over this" but that both of my parents would want me to "get on with it."  They would want me to carry on and be the best person that I can be, for myself and the rest of the family. 

 

Please take care and go through the emotions, let the tears flow if they come, and know that your mom would want the best for you.  I believe that all parents want that for their children.

 

take care

Cindy Jane

[nini26]

Thank you for your kind words Cindy. I will also keep you and your family in my prayers. I know that there's nothing more I could do, but I feel like there should have been something... We knew she was more then likely not going to make it to Christmas, but there was hope that she would... I want to deal with the stages of grief but I can't, I just don't want to feel it. Its easier to feel like she's on vacation then to think she's dead... I just don't know how to handle it

[kb521259]

Nini26,

I am truly sorry for the loss of your mother.  You can never prepare yourself for the loss of a loved one, especially your mom.  We want to spend as much time with them as possible, even many wishing they could stay with you forever.  But unfortunately nothing in this system lasts.  We could spend days, weeks, months or even years continuing to go over the last days of our loved ones life, trying to see if anything could have been done/should have been done differently.  When this happens, it helps me to remember that they are at rest, sleeping peacefully, no longer having to deal with the problems of this world, their health or anything else that caused them pain.  Many people believe that God had another purpose for those that died or that God needed another angel in order to comfort themselves or try to give their heart an explanation as to why they had to part from someone they loved so deeply or are just angry with God altogether.  What brings me comfort and helps me to cope are the promises that are held out for each of us in the Bible.  There are 9 resurrections spoken of in the Bible and these give me hope for the future.  Jesus taught at John 5:28 that someday, "all those in the memorial tombs" will be resurrected, both the righteous and the unrighteous.  God is the creator of all life, so its not hard to believe that he can bring someone back to life.  We learn that he is eager to bring the dead back to life.  The Bible also tells us that they will be resurrected to a beautiful paradise earth where sickness, pain and death will be a thing of the past. (Rev. 21:4)  In fact, he will do away with death forever, so that desire that we have to always be together will be a realized possibility.  (1 Corinthians 15:26)I know the days ahead are going to be hard for you to deal with, but keep these promises in mind.  Your mother, in a sense, is taking a nap.  Soon God will rid this earth of all problems that we deal with and then you can welcome your mom back, as her flesh is returned to that of youth, and you never have to be separated from her again. (Job 33:25; Psalms 37:10, 11, 29)

I hope this brings you comfort, helps you to cope and brings you hope.

Your family is in my prayers