Tidal Waves of Death and Dying

[NatashaFatale]

Hello, I'm a new member to this forum and am eager to gain insight from people like you. Quick rundown on the past few years: 

• December 2008 my niece miscarried her daughter at 5 & 1/2 months in her pregnancy. I saw the body of this precious little itty bitty baby girl and felt completely helpless. 
• July 2010 my brother-in-law (age 39) married to my sister with three boys is diagnosed with cancer. Was thought to be pancreatic at the time but ended up being GIST. After a hellish battle with procedure after procedure, he died in June of 2013 at the age of 42.
• November 2011 my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer at age 63. Her treatment regimen was intense and left a poor quality of life. She died on July 4th, 2014. 
• December 2011 my father-in-law was diagnosed with Lew Body Dementia. He is still living, but his doctors say he's reaching end of life. We moved him to a nursing home earlier this summer. It's a horrible disease that I would not wish on anyone. 

After my niece's miscarriage, I began having panic attacks. They eased over the years but then resurfaced when my brother-in-law, mom, and father-in-law started getting sick. I tried everything you could think of to avoid medication: yoga, mediation, exercise, counseling, journaling, eating right, getting adequate sleep, playing music etc. I finally broke down and went on a low-dose antidepressant in the fall of 2010, which helped. The anxiety somewhat subsided and I began feeling normal.

 

When my mom was diagnosed, I decided to start learning how to play the violin stuck with my yoga, healthy eating lifestyle. Since my mom's passing, I've been a bit of a train wreck of sorts. I stopped doing all the healthy things and turned to a couple months of drinking, stress eating, not exercising. About the only thing I stuck with was playing music. But the anxiety has reared itself and I've made a conscious effort to cut back on the drinking, eat better, and get back to exercising with a focus on yoga. 

 

What prompted me to join this forum is that I sometimes feel like I am going crazy. I am scared that this anxiety will cripple me. It most often occurs when I am driving in traffic over bridges. Even though I have a successful career with a solid support group of friends and family, I feel like a complete loser over this anxiety. I find myself thinking "what kind of a failure am I to get all anxious while driving?" - which totally is not a healthy way to think, I get it. In addition to that, I sometimes swear that I hear and see my mom while I'm out and about. The other day while I was at the grocery store, I swear I heard her an aisle over. I ran over there to find some woman. While she somewhat sounded like my mom, it was certainly not her. 

 

Am I alone? Am I going insane? Have others experienced this sort of thing? If so, what helped you? Any tips? Do things really get better with time? 

 

Thanks for taking the time.

[ModKonnie]

Cunningleah,

I am so very sorry about your losses. That being said, having anxiety is a very normal experience that many people suffer from after a death or trauma. You are not going crazy. Have you tried meditation or deep breathing exercises when you feel the anxiety beginning? Bridges and Tunnels affect me this way. 

Also, if you are really concerned, perhaps you should consider professional therapy; counselors can often help give us exercises to work through some of these thoughts and experiences.

 

We will be here for you,

ModKonnie

[around_here11]

Whoa, I know exactly how you feel. I was just discussing my anxiety and panic attacks in another post. My mom passed from cancer about a year ago and after that the anxiety I have been battling with my whole life really reared its ugly head. I couldn't focus at work, I couldn't sleep, and I would get severe panic attacks where I couldn't breathe and it felt like someone just punched my chest. I can totally relate to the driving thing too, but I was dealing with that way before my mom passed because I had been in 2 major car accidents (neither were my fault.) and every time I drove anywhere it felt like mini panic attacks. My doctor prescribed anxiety and depression medication and it has been helping for the most part, but what really helped me was requesting to work from home and getting away from the hectic work environment and the traffic to and from work. Since then I've been a lot more calm. Honestly I think you're doing the exact right thing and I agree you should try going to see a counselor for some additional help. Time really is the best medicine though I think.