Nearly 6 Months have passed and it's only getting harder

[sissil201]

Suffering is nothing new to me, but having lost my father this past spring has been like nothing I have ever felt before. For 15 years I watched him slowly deteriorate, more consumed by pain each passing day. Despite our best efforts, my mother and I were powerless against such a cruel disease. We were always a team. The three musketeers, all for one and one for all. March 29, 2014 that bond was broken. As they made their way to the airport in Cuba to come back to the US, my father's health made a turn for the worse. When they reached the airport chaos ensued and nearly an hour passed before help reached them. Less than 24 hours later, on what was to be their 23rd anniversary, my father passed away thanks to the second rate care provided by a communist regime. When I received the devastating over the phone, I immidiately burst into tears as an unimaginable pain began course through my body. I could barely breathe or hear anyone's condolences around me. For a while I could not think, I could just feel, feel the world caving in on me. Once I could manage it, my first thought was about my mother. What must she be feeling right now? What decisions are we gong to have to make? All I knew at that moment was that I had to go to her. Getting to Cuba was an oddyssey in itself; being there was another one all together. There was absolutely no shred of human compassion, or consideration at least, outside of family and friends. Our gried meant nothing to them. We were just an inconvenience; traitors that decided to leave an oppressive regime for a taste of freedom. It deflected my anguish to anger. When I came back to the US reality set in. Final exams were coming up soon and it was my last semester in college, so I distracted myself with work. As soon as that was over and graduation rolled around, the sadness began to come in waves. For months after, and still to this day, I cannot sleep. I try to laugh and act "normal" when I'm around people, even family, but when I'm alone my thoughts run wild. I notice myself distancing from my friends and avoiding social situations, prefering to be alone, but I do nothing to change it. The more time goes by, the heavier and longer the tears come each night. I thought that by now it wouldn't be like this. I honestly don't know how much more I can take before I break. Or am I broken already?    

[Blackrock]

Sissil201, sorry for your loss. By writing this out, you are realizing on what is actually happening and reflecting on your feelings, experiences and grieving. You have not lost your mind and I know you are strong to handle all obstacles and bumps in life. I understand what you're going through , the pain from losing a father is unbearable and it strikes right in your heart. I lost my dad 10 months ago and I think of him everyday. It creates a shocking truth about life and death. It hurts a lot to think about it. Don't confine yourself! Let your emotions out by talking to closed ones, support each other, especially your mom and go out to free your mind. Don't mind those that don't care. I have family members that are like that too. Take care of yourself!

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[sally_beans]

I lost my Dad to suicide on January 23rd of this year. I can't get beyond it. No matter how hard I try or what new "coping mechanisms" I come to.. I was awful for the first 3 months, ..okay-ish over the last few months since.. yet, I'm awful again. Angry, can't control myself, pushing away friends dramatically. It's out of control. I can't believe how badly it is attacking every single aspect of my life. I'm lost. I'm not sure how much time is "supposed" to go by, but there really is no timeframe for when you're supposed to be "better".