Mother just died, scared of father finding someone else

[Col]

My mother died about three months ago. I'm still wrestling with the loss, as everyone seems to be of their loved ones on these posts. I think my father, who was devastated by her death, might be looking into finding a companion. I just saw a 'match.com' email pop up on his computer, and he asked me what 'GSOH' stands for later. And he keeps telling me I need to clean out my mothers closet, dispose of her things.

 

To say it never even occurred to me that there might be a new woman potentially coming into my fathers life, even as an casual acquaintance for company, at this time would be an understatement. It is the very last thing I need right now, to be coping with the fear, anxiety, uncertainty and other unwelcome emotions of someone new on the scene. The death of my mother is overwhelming enough. To add to it, to think of having to give emotionally to some stranger, seems just impossible, when my emotional reservoir is overdrawn as it is at present . It's none of my business whatsoever who he chooses to spend his social time with of course, but the idea of having to meet and try and make an effort and establish some kind of good rapport with a woman he brings home, when I still seem to only have the energy to deal with the loss of my mother, seems like too much to ask. And I don't even know if it's happening. At this point its just the fear of it happening, that's bad enough. What may bolster him emotionally would just be a further emotional drain on me, at a time when I don't know if I have the resources to withstand it. And to add to that, the time I have with the one support I do have (him), would be further compromised if he started seeing someone new. The emotional bank balance would be so overdrawn I don't know if I could take it. And nothings even happened yet.

 

They say worry never did anyone any good, but it's hard not too.

[cindyjane]

I am so sorry for your loss.  What you've shared sounds very familiar.  I've heard of this happening in other families and I think this is because everyone handles grief differently.  In my own family I've seen various reactions/feelings and ways to cope.  My brother hasn't shed a tear even though he loves my mom dearly ... my sister just can't stop crying ... my dad was withdrawn ... and me I have difficult days but am surviving on my good memories.  I totally get what you're saying and can only suggest that you try to see whatever happens as your dad's way of coping with this terrible loss.  I've read a lot of books on grieving and some have said that in this kind of situation where the spouse quickly gets into a relationship that there are different reasons ... maybe they are afraid of being on their own ... maybe they think that getting into a relationship quickly will prevent them from feeling their feelings.  Myself, I wouldn't want to speculate about this and would just see it as each person deals with grief differently.  Please take care

Cindy Jane

[around_here11]

I've been in exactly the same situation and I hate to say it, but your speculations are most likely true. My father only waited about a month after my mom passed before he was on match.com, talking to various women. His excuse? "Well she was sick for a few years, so i'm not really moving that quickly." My father depended on my mother for everything, cooking. laundry, cleaning, even making his decisions for him. Even though I moved back in to take care of him and my brother, it wasn't enough, he needed someone to take care of him emotionally and I hate to say it, physically. Still to this day I refuse to spend time with him and his girlfriend. I even try to pretend she doesn't even exist. Did I expect him to stay alone forever after my mom? Of course not. Its because I resent the fact that he abandoned me and my brother when we were hurting and needing him the most, for his own selfish reasons and his gf is the proof of that. I agree that people deal with their grief in their own way. In my father's case, he just became more selfish than he already was. My advice, you can either try and accept your father moving on, or not and just focus on your own emotional well being.

[Col]

Thanks 'around here' and 'cindy jane'. He just had someone, and their daughter, over for a bbq. He insisted on a hug from them both at the end. I feel bad for him, and bad for me. He's clearly looking for an emotional security blanket. There's nothing I can do. Fortunately I'm going overseas so at least I don't have to watch/participate too much. It would have been nice to have seen him insist on a hug from my mother though while she was still alive and well. The requests for affection and over-eagerness to please seem oddly displaced from him, going to people who, to me at least, are complete strangers. The whole thing is just so unexpected and unwanted. I'm glad I'm going away and don't have to live with it. I hope he finds comfort and isn't lonely, but at the same time I don't want to have to watch. It just feels wrong, and if it feels wrong then I usually go with that, with my gut instinct, which is almost never wrong.

 

Sounds like, from you both, the story is familiar.

[Col]

I've been in exactly the same situation and I hate to say it, but your speculations are most likely true. My father only waited about a month after my mom passed before he was on match.com, talking to various women. His excuse? "Well she was sick for a few years, so i'm not really moving that quickly." My father depended on my mother for everything, cooking. laundry, cleaning, even making his decisions for him. Even though I moved back in to take care of him and my brother, it wasn't enough, he needed someone to take care of him emotionally and I hate to say it, physically. Still to this day I refuse to spend time with him and his girlfriend. I even try to pretend she doesn't even exist. Did I expect him to stay alone forever after my mom? Of course not. Its because I resent the fact that he abandoned me and my brother when we were hurting and needing him the most, for his own selfish reasons and his gf is the proof of that. I agree that people deal with their grief in their own way. In my father's case, he just became more selfish than he already was. My advice, you can either try and accept your father moving on, or not and just focus on your own emotional well being.

I think my situation may be heading in the same direction as yours did. The abandonment at the time of hurting, like you experienced, is one of the things I'm most worried about. I just don't know how to respond to this, it feels like I'm going to be faced with putting my shoes on different feet and dressing backwards- just awkward and wrong. He's 75, I can't think I'd want anything more than the people I already know and like around me at that point. Why is it I'm so suspicious too? Perhaps it's because I know what he's like and that only my mother could deal with him, ultimately. Anyone else who would must have ulterior motives, as he can be quite difficult to be around. That's my thinking at the moment anyway. I hope I'm wrong.

[BaileyB]

I've been in exactly the same situation and I hate to say it, but your speculations are most likely true. My father only waited about a month after my mom passed before he was on match.com, talking to various women. His excuse? "Well she was sick for a few years, so i'm not really moving that quickly." My father depended on my mother for everything, cooking. laundry, cleaning, even making his decisions for him. Even though I moved back in to take care of him and my brother, it wasn't enough, he needed someone to take care of him emotionally and I hate to say it, physically. Still to this day I refuse to spend time with him and his girlfriend. I even try to pretend she doesn't even exist. Did I expect him to stay alone forever after my mom? Of course not. Its because I resent the fact that he abandoned me and my brother when we were hurting and needing him the most, for his own selfish reasons and his gf is the proof of that. I agree that people deal with their grief in their own way. In my father's case, he just became more selfish than he already was. My advice, you can either try and accept your father moving on, or not and just focus on your own emotional well being.

I could have written this post... It is so much my story except my father waited all of two months before starting a new relationship. It's now been two and a half years. What can I tell you except, it's really hard. It's still, really, really hard. I have worked really hard to keep a relationship with my father, but I've come to understand that it is just as important to do things that take care of my own well-being. It will never be the same but it will get better with time. Don't feel you have to justify the how you feel about the relationship or that you are not entitled to your own feeling of grief and hurt. Anyone who has experienced something similar will understand that there are so many thoughts and feelings, it's not as simple as saying that it's his life and if you love him, you will want him to find happiness and companionship again... It's really, really hard... Take care...

[Mommachobo]

I've been in exactly the same situation and I hate to say it, but your speculations are most likely true. My father only waited about a month after my mom passed before he was on match.com, talking to various women. His excuse? "Well she was sick for a few years, so i'm not really moving that quickly." My father depended on my mother for everything, cooking. laundry, cleaning, even making his decisions for him. Even though I moved back in to take care of him and my brother, it wasn't enough, he needed someone to take care of him emotionally and I hate to say it, physically. Still to this day I refuse to spend time with him and his girlfriend. I even try to pretend she doesn't even exist. Did I expect him to stay alone forever after my mom? Of course not. Its because I resent the fact that he abandoned me and my brother when we were hurting and needing him the most, for his own selfish reasons and his gf is the proof of that. I agree that people deal with their grief in their own way. In my father's case, he just became more selfish than he already was. My advice, you can either try and accept your father moving on, or not and just focus on your own emotional well being.

 

Our stories sound very much the same... 

My mother passed in december and my dad already had a serious girlfriend by April. I was so angry... I seen and felt the love that my parents felt for eachother and to have him move on so quickly was heart breaking. What makes it worse is that he moved her into the house I grew up in with my mother and father in august. So after 4 months of serious dating she was sleeping in the bed where my mother used to lay. I struggled very hard with this so I decided to go to see a therapist. 

My therapist said a few things to me that kinda made me have an "ah-ha" moment. Firstly he said that is shows in many studies as far back as "caveman" time that its natural logistics that WOMEN MOURN AND MEN MOVE ON. 

Secondly (and this was a big one for me)  my mother was very sick mentally and physically for many years and the therapist said and i quote "because of your mothers mental and physical conditions, you dad has mourned the loss of your mother LONG before she ever passed" WOWZA... it blew my socks off and as much as I didnt want to admit it... he was right. I dont doubt for one second that my dad didnt love my mother and still loves her for that matter, but he is way further along in the grieving process than I was/am. To set a few things straight..,. I dont have a relationship with his girlfriend... i've tried but I have exhausted my ability to try anymore...I try to remind my self that if he's happy then i'm happy but my heart is still aching from the loss of my mother that its hard to force myself to believe that. It's been over a year since she has moved in and everything that was my mother is gone... it has all been replaced with the gf's stuff... Its really hard to go over there and visit but I force myself to because frankly he is the only parent I have left and i dont think I could manage without either parent. 

Things will get better... the pain of grief will never go away but the ability to manage and live with the pain gets easier and easier. Promise

[TMedlock]

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