Lost my dad almost two weeks ago

[daytoday]

I don't even know where to start only to say I am heartbroken.

My dad passed away August 31, 2014. A week after he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer.  I still can't believe he is gone.

I am 47 years old and feel like this little girl who feels like I should have been able to do something, to help fix him.  I keep telling myself that I am an adult and I know there was nothing I could do but.....

I saw my dad on memorial day and he seemed fine although he didn't want to stand up for a picture I had taken.  He seemed tired but nothing out of the ordinary...he was 74 so I thought he was just slowing down.  Right after that, he started complaining of back pain between his shoulders and in his right arm.  My dad never was sick or complained.  They went to the dr every 4to 6 weeks for checkups and never had anything wrong.  so, they went to the dr and they thought it was arthritis or a pulled muscle.  It didn't get better, so they sent him to the Ortho dr who took xrays and thought he had a compression fracture in his spine and severe arthritis in his arm.  Then he had blood work done which showed his hemoglobin was dropping. He also developed a bump where his back hurt.  They kept an eye on that and went back several times and on August 18 had another blood draw which sent him to the emergency.  They did tests and xrays and discovered masses throughout his upper body.  The er dr. Told them that he had cancer.  He was admitted that day. August 19.  He seemed to go down hill really fast.  Couldn't get out of bed any longer, the pain was so bad in his arms they started morphine.  The cancer spread to the bones and made his arm so brittle it could break any time.  He was out of it most of the time but knew we were there.  The oncologist came in and told us what we were looking at. There was nothing they could do so we set up hospice and brought himhome on August 26.  We were all there with him when he passed.  He fought all the way to the end.  He was still talking at midnight and passed away at 4 am.  It was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.  I was with my grandpa and my father in law when they passed but my dad, well was my dad.  I miss him everyday. 

Im not sure I have had the time to have it really sink in yet.  I live 4 hours away and have back and forth for a couple months now.  Trying to run my in home daycare and my daughter was married 2 days before he passed.  I just want a day or two to have nothing, to hear no one and to cry as much as  I want.

 

[cindyjane]

HUGS

 

I am so sorry for your loss.  Losing a parent is unlike anything else I have experienced, it leaves such a void.  Next month will be a year since I lost my dear mom and my heart remains so heavy.  It does get better though.  During this past year I've learned that we don't get over it .... we get on with it.  I know that my mom would want me to continue to live my life to the fullest, be a good person and that one day we will be reunited.  One big thing that has happened in this past year is that my faith has grown stronger than ever!  It is that faith which gets me through those times when sadness of this loss weighs me down.  I somehow am comforted and reminded just how blessed I was to have her for a mom and for as long as I had her, even though I don't feel it was long enough. 

I hope that you can find comfort in seeing what a blessing you were given to have him for your dad and in knowing that he is at peace and not suffering.  Take care ... you are not alone in how you feel.

 

Cindy Jane