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Big Sister Died Suddenly


tlhartwick

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My older sister died in her sleep just over a week ago and I'm having a really difficult time. I'm so worried about my parents and little brother that I feel like I can't talk to them about how I feel and I worry my boyfriend will get tired of me just being sad all the time. I miss her so much and I'm having trouble imagining a "new normal". Everything I've read says you never stop grieving, your grief just becomes more manageable, I guess. It's strange but I just get angry that I have to deal with this for the rest of my life. It sounds selfish but I just miss her and everything hurts so much that I can't imagine it just being like this forever. I don't know how to deal with the fact that someone who was supposed to grow old with me is gone...

 

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I am so sorry that you are in such pain. What you're feeling is not selfish at all! No one wants to ever be put in this position and it is a difficult adjustment to say the least. Your pain is so fresh and new, it's going to take a lot of time to understand and accept. My brother died in January and almost eight months later, I am still adjusting. It hurts and it's so exhausting to hurt all the time. But please believe me when I say, IT GETS BETTER. It gets easier. As strange as it sounds, the pain becomes a part of you. You will never "get over" the loss of your sister; that is impossible. But you will live your life, you will grieve and cry and scream when you need to and you will continue going about your day. Not every day is easy, but not every day is unbearable.


Message me if you ever want to chat. People who have never lost a sibling don't understand your pain, they CAN'T understand it. Talk to people that do.


Take care. I'm thinking of you.


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My brother died May 18th in a motorcycle accident. I know how you feel! It's horrifying to think you have to deal with this the rest of your life. That is how I feel too! This is the rest if my life?! How can life be so cruel?!!

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Thanks Kellie86 and BiancaLondon for your thoughtful responses. Sometimes I just don't know how things could possibly get better. I am discouraged by all that I've read from other people who have also lost siblings. People say acceptance may not come for years! I can't imagine feeling like this for much longer and its barely been a couple weeks. 

 

The hardest thing for me right now is realizing all the things that will be missing from the rest of my life. I'm only 26 and my sister was only 29. We should have had so many more years together. I read T.J Wray's book Surviving the Death of a Sibling today and she said the hardest thing is changing that ingrained feeling that your sibling is a constant in your life. My sister has been there since the second I was born. She was supposed to be there to get old with. It hurts to think that she won't be my maid of honor at my wedding or the godparent for my children. I see my mom and her sister and I envy them.

 

My sister and I have always been close but she had a troubled life. She got dealt the difficult hand of bipolar illness and that colored a lot of our interactions and was the topic of a lot of our conversations. I feel jipped I guess, that just as she was getting a grip on her illness and "turning a page", she would get taken away. I know she would be so angry! 

 

I'm so confused and angry and sad all the time. I feel like I don't have a single moment when I'm not thinking of my sister. I don't know how to "get better". I don't know how to be normal or be myself again. I hate that I am changed forever and nothing will ever be the same. I hate that with every second I'm getting closer to my big sister's age. Some day I'll be older than her...I hate that I'm the oldest in my family now

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Came across your post through a random search about dealing with sibling loss. I'm so sorry about your sister. We have a lot in common unfortunately. I am 27 and my sister was 29 when she passed away in February. Like your sister, she also had issues. She had developed diabetes and abused alcohol; the combination ended up being lethal. It was very sudden and unexpected. She told my family and I that she had stopped drinking and seemed to be doing better. To further complicate things, my first child was born 3 weeks after her death- she never got to meet her niece.

I also feel like I have been "robbed" of the life I was supposed to have. I am trying to be strong for everyone else and feel like I can't mess up now..there is a lot of weight and responsibility on my shoulders. I share the same feelings about my birthdays and not wanting to get older and closer to her age. It seems so wrong. I also worry about being sad too often around my husband. He has been great through this but I'm sure it has been stressful for him as well. Even the word "sister" can make me cringe.

Just some perspective, 7 months later I still think about her often, still get sad and cry often,but it is not constant. I have had days where I am pretty happy. It is hard to see that in the early days/weeks.

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