Nothing matters .... no change

[Shattered14]

It has been a while since I have posted on here.  I'm writing now in the hope that someone may have some insight or suggestions for me.  It has been six months since I lost my husband.  His death was completely unexpected.  We never saw it coming, and it has completely destroyed me.  His death has taken away everything.  He was my whole world....the love of my life...my soul mate....my best friend.  He brought me so much happiness and unconditional love. 

Since Michael died, I have been completely unable to find any meaning or purpose to anything.  I no longer find joy in anything.  The things we used to love together just hurt.  Things I used to like no longer matter to me.  All I want is to be gone.  That is exactly how I felt the day he died, and it still is my primary thought every single moment of every day.  I have gone to church, talked to my pastor yet I can't find peace.  I'm angry at the world...at God...at everything.  All I want is to be with him, and I feel trapped here in a living hell.  I can't believe it has been 6 months since I have seen him, heard his voice, held his hand, kissed him, hugged him or told each other we love each other.  I talk to him all the time.  I don't know if he can hear me or that is all a lie too and I'm just a pathetic woman talking to herself.  I go to grief counseling...I read self help books....nothing helps.  I know there are some people on here who have been dealing with this longer than me....how do you do it?  How do you find a purpose to getting up every day?  We had no children.  I do work.  But its all meaningless without him.  I just don't know how to help myself.

[sim-law]

I know how you are feeling, we had no children either and I cannot even work to take my mind off things. I do not know the answer and I am also looking for meaning in my life. Counseling did not help me much or books on self help but I know that I am left here for some purpose, just what that is I have no idea but time flows at different rates and for what is a lifetime for me is only a blink in the eye of eternity so be patient take one day at a time and hope that purpose will be revealed to you eventually.

Wishing you peace and hope.

[Sammijo2424]

As I read your post I felt your pain, and oh I know it well. My husband passed away 19 months ago, and like your husband it was very sudden. He walked into the emergency room, was talking, and 12 hrs later he was dead. It took me about a year and 3 months to get to the point where I did not ask God to take me home multiple times a day. I went to counseling for a year, tried grief support groups twice, I tried volunteering, tried getting more involved in church, none of this really made me feel any better, except the counseling which helped a lot but I only went every two weeks, oh and also I got a dog, some days I only got out of bed to take care of him. This site helped me tremendously, I was able to write down how I felt and read others' stories without worrying about my horrible pain adding more pain on my kids.

For me, the only thing that made a difference was time, things really do get easier with time. Also spent a lot of time working on yard, pulling weeds can be very therapeutic, you don't think, you just do. I traveled a lot. The old me that lived a happy life with my husband is gone, I am not that person anymore, i am much stronger than i ever imagined. Honestly, I am still searching for my purpose, our kids are grown, it is just me and my dog, I recently started dating again and reconnected with a childhood boyfriend, for the most part I am happy and at peace, believe me I still have down, sad moments but they don't last as long, but overall i find myself smiling and laughing more. I tell you all this to let you know there is hope, you will find your way eventually, everyone is different on how long it takes.

[Tryingtohavehope]

Im only 8 months into this and I was doing okay! Bam out of nowhere it hits me, Im all alone! I have been crying for the past two days and I just dont know what to do anymore! Im a preschool teacher and I just dont care to be around this new group of kids! That sounds bad but we dont have a special bond yet, and Im not sure we will! At this point Im not even sure I want to bond with them! Im just soo lost all over again!

[Shattered14]

Thank you so much for your responses.  All I can do is keep trying.  It is just so hard and very overwhelming.  I find myself not wanting to do anything at all.  Thank you all for sharing your thoughts.   I wish peace for all of you as well.

[Mylashes]

Shattered 14... I'm asking myself a lot of the same questions in ur post. I lost my partner of 8yrs bout 2 wk ago. I feel.alone, empty. Sorry for ur loss.

[Shattered14]

Mylashes....I am very sorry for your loss too. I know how agonizing it is. I struggle every day. I miss him more than I can even explain. I too feel very empty. I will never understand why this happened.

[Mylashes]

Thank u Shattered 14. Yes, its no words to describe the feelings of loss, hurt& emptiness I feel, since he passed. I can relate to what ur saying..Pls feel.free to hit me up whenever u feel.the need, to Tlk to someone ok?

[Shattered14]

Thank you Mylashes. I do appreciate someone to talk to. Especially someone who has walked in similar shoes. Those that havent just dont get it.