Trying to Deal with Loss of Mom

[pattitrowb]

I lost my mom almost 5 years ago, 11/19/09. She died about 8 months after she was diagnosed with idiopathic hyper pulmonary tension, basically high blood pressure of the right lung. I was with her when she passed and will always be grateful for that. I feel very lonely right now and miss her so very much. Everyone tries to tell you it will get easier. It doesn't, you just learn to cope.

Lately it has been pretty hard and I think it's because I spent yesterday with my best friend and her mom. It just reminded me that I won't be celebrating any big moments with mom.

It is starting to affect me physically and emotionally. I'm gaining weight, angry a lot of the time and not happy very much. I've tried therapy with a few different people, but it never worked out. Thought I would try talking with others who have lost a parent.

Would love to find someone to talk with.

Thanks...Patti

[Sbelavek]

pattitrowb,

 

I lost my mom this past summer to gastric cancer after a 2 1/2 year battle.  It's still very fresh for me so not sure I can offer any sound advice, but I feel your pain and loss.  I feel angry that other people my age and even older still have their moms around to celebrate life with and enjoy special moments.  I gave birth to my second son just 5 weeks after my mom passed, and my husband's parents get to enjoy our new bundle of joy while my mom cannot.  It makes me so sad and angry at times. 

 

I too tried to talk to someone and seek counseling, but haven't stuck with it.  This online forum has helped me some- reading other's posts and realizing that I am not alone in this awful experience has brought some comfort and peace to me. 

 

I agree that it doesn't get easier, you just learn to cope.  I don't see how a loss this significant can be "easier" even with time.  It just becomes your new normal.  I'm sure hanging out with your friend and her mom triggered feelings that led you into the way you feel presently. 

 

I'm here to talk.

[pattitrowb]

Thano you for your kind words. None of my close friends have lost a parent and so I find it difficult to discuss with them. They try, but it just doesn't help. My best friend was very close to my mom and she hates when I talk about mom. I know it is because she's never experienced a loss like this. It also hurts me to know that at some point I'll be doing this process all over again, when dad goes. He lives with me and I take care of him. My siblings aren't as involved as I would like them to be. This has been a struggle. They know I would like some breaks, but it doesn't really happen. My sister is married and has two boys that are very active in sports and other activities. She tries and invites us over often. My brother makes me very angry. He's going through a divorce and lives one block away and never stops to see dad. I just tell them both, I have something neither one of you will ever have, I get to spend the last year's of dad's life with him. I won't have any regrets. I have so much guilt when I want time to hang out with friends or just be alone. He never wants to talk about mom. I think it still hurts him also. Thank you for listening.

The hardest part is knowing that she will never be there for milestones. She was a very strong woman who want me to wallow. So maybe by reading other stories and talking can help me. Again thank you for listening. I know that these words may not help, but I'm sorry for your loss. You're in my thoughts and prayers!

[Sbelavek]

I gave birth to my 2nd son just five weeks after my mom passed.  As I hold my newborn, it makes me cry knowing my mom will never experience this huge milestone with me- nor another birthday, holiday, accomplishment, etc.  She was so close to making it to the birth- holding my baby was one of her goals. 

 

I understand your sadness.

 

You are lucky to still have your father.  And like you said, you can recognize these moments you have and live without regret, where your siblings aren't as fortunate.  Their choice, however.

 

None of my friends have lost a parent either!  Another reason why it feels too soon for me to have lost mine.  But while my loss is behind me, I know it lies ahead for other people.  I would give anything to have more time with my mom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[around_here11]

I just want to say that I can completely relate to what is being said in this post. I lost my mom a year ago, when I was 29 y/o. I haven't gotten married yet or had kids. Still to this day I have the exact same thoughts which are, what am I supposed to do now? My mom was my best friend and won't be there for any of those moments in my life and I have a father who has already moved on with someone else and hardly ever spends any time with me. All my friends still have both parents and are moving on with their lives getting married and having kids, but I still feel stuck. Even so, all my relatives or friends who said they would be there for me seem to be too busy to bother now. I've wanted to try counseling... but I'm afraid of spending the time and money without getting any real help.   

[missingmymama]

I lost my mother when i was 30, which is six and a half months ago. I feel like my life is over. I did some counselling , I am not going to die, but I have lost the joy to enjoy life. There are so many things I still want to do with her, I want to take care of her, I want to make her happy, i want to grow old with her, I want her to grow old (she was only 56)

 

I am completely heartbroken forever, so in a major way, my life has ended. I will live for her, but I dont see how I can ever heal. Nobody can possibly understand unless they are in the same situation and shared the same closeness with their mother. It doesnt even matter that much if any other family is with me, my mom was, is, and will always be my only real family. Everything and everyone just pales in comparison. Her love was the closest to God i will ever feel in this life.

[Alyssajoy]

This is the first time I have reached out beyond my family and friends to talk about this and try to deal with it. My mom and best friend passed away May 5th, just 4 months ago, from a 14 month battle with pancreatic cancer. I am 26, not married, and no kids. I can relate to everything everyone has posted. I am so mad, mad at the world, mad at God, mad at bad people that live to be 80, when my mother was such as amazing and good person and died at 60. She will never see me get married or have kids. She would have made the most amazing grandma every, and that it was she wanted more than anything. Thank God my older brother had his first daughter in December of 2013, so she was able to see her first grandchild for 5 months before she passed away.  I hate that we have the same sadness and hurt, but at the same time it makes me to feel better that I am not the only one having to deal with it.

[Mum]

I think it doesn't matter how old your mother is unless you're very young, you only have one mother and when she is gone that's it-I find it unbearable that she has died and feel jealous of other elderly people who are older then my mum who are still around. However the pain is too too much -I understand.

I am one of six children but the only child who has had a enduring relationship with mum all my life. The rest have only seen mum very infrequently even through the last year when she became terminal with breast cancer which metastasised to the liver. I left my job and moved with my family to be near her so I could take care of her . Two months before her death she was put on a large dose of steroids which made her psychotic and extremely diabetic. She then developed sepsis and had to be hospitalised. She walked into hospital fully continent and left 4 weeks later fully incontinent and unable to get up by herself. Treatment in the hospital for all the elderly was so ineffective for their well being and recovery as numbers of staffing ( most of the staff were health care assistants and it appeared badly trained in caring for the elderly )was low and the nurses so busy that one had to chase them around to talk to them . I was still working, coming to see mum in hospital, showering her, changing her pad and feeding her because the staff were leaving her and others in urine and faeces for long lengths of time and rarely giving showers-the care was atrocious!

Mum was put on the 'End of Live Pathway' on leaving hospital.

My children had to returned with my ex to their home 200 miles away while I gave up my job to care for my precious and beautiful mum. I slept on a mattress in the lounge while she spent all day and night in a hospital bed in the same room. I was woken up several times by mum during the night and given very little peace during the day with nurses and carers visiting (this could not be helped ). The carers were very young and appeared not to know that special care was needed for the old and dying! Mum was not herself and was paranoid accusing me,the nurses and doctors of trying to poison her ,trying to kill her. She was very venomous towards me ,this was very difficult as there were no loving goodbyes or I love yous' as you might see in the movies. I was so so exhausted and was sometimes irritated with her which I now feel very guilty about . I lost 42 Ibs in six months preceding her death. She suffered so so much I won't go into the finer details they are still too painful for me. I felt so alone and about to lose my only constant in life to a cruel and vicious disease and I felt so helpless. I became a robot, did what was necessary but couldn't allow myself to feel much because I was scared.

My wonderful mum and friend died at 1am when I must have dosed off for a minute and I will never forget when I went over to check she was ok and lifted the blanket and her little chest wasn't moving ,her head was to the side and her mouth open. I will never forget that, that memory flashes by a hundred times a day.

I washed and dressed her in her favourite clothes and then got alongside of her and cuddled her for a long long time and then called the undertakers. When they took her I stood outside in the garden and then broke down when I came back inside and she was no longer in the bed. Alone I arranged the funeral and only two siblings turned up one of whom wailed and cried hysterically and even made a speech in this state standing at the front during the funeral ,complained about how badly it had been arranged once outside also complained that they had been given very little notice of the funeral. I was amazed that my siblings who knew from the off that she was terminally ill,who had not bothered to see her more then one brief visit were complaining !

I am at home with my children now but most of the time I am frozen in time ,living there in her lounge, waiting for her to die. She is at peace now but I can't forget her suffering nor the way my siblings have treated her the last 30years or so especially the last year. Sorry this is so long but I guess I needed to say it-sorry.

I just never realised that the death of an elderly parent could be so devastating .

[JeanMihalick]

Hugs! I lost my mom last Monday after a 10 year battle with COPD. She was great up until about 2 weeks ago, and went downhill fast. I wanted to be with her when she passed but I don't think she wanted me there. I left the hospital at 3 am with a panic attack and she passed just before 7 am. I miss her so much. I was her only local contact as my brother and all her brothers and sisters were considered long distance so we talked constantly. I wish I had all those phone calls back when I was too busy or moody to answer the phone and talk to her. I am trying to return to work tomorrow after being off all week and I'm not looking forward to it as I know I'm not ready. Don't have much choice though. It's so hard when a girl looses her mom. I'm here if anyone wants to talk.

[alisa]

I lost Mom last Sunday to cancer. She was 73. We found out 3 weeks ago and the decline happened very quickly. I am the only girl of four so Mom kind of spoiled me and we did alot of things together. I am at such a loss I don't know what to do. I miss her so much I can hardly bear it at times. I cry every day whenever. My husband is very supportive and kind and my brothers and dad are all local so we're all close to be there for each other. My dad is having a hard time with it as well. I am trying to be there for him too but at times I can hardly bear to go to their house because she is not there anymore. At other times it kind of makes me feel better being there. I am so thankful that we were all able to be there and keep her comfortable as we could at home with Hospice helping. Poor Mom was in denial and was not at all accepting of her diagnosis which made it hard. She didn't understand why she was not getting any better in a few days time. Wednesday my dad called and needed me to help, she was having a really bad time and started to get confused. Wednesday night Hospice instructed me to start giving her morphine and by Sunday morning she was gone. I cannot believe she is not here anymore. I am so sorry for all of you losing your mom as well. I knew at some point my parents will be gone but I was just not ready yet. Childish as it sounds I just thought it was way in the future. I keep seeing her in my mind as she passed. I am having a hard time with that. I also feel guilty, I should have done more with her, I should have been nicer to her. I am hoping venting on here and reading about others with the same issues will help. I won't feel so alone.

[BrandiB92]

Hey everyone, I'm Brandi and only 22.

I lost my mother unexpectedly when i was 20, i was really close to her, she was my best friend and supported me an my brother with any decision we came across, he was 18 and just graduated high school. She had a few rough patches with her health, but she was never opened about it with me an my brother, she didn't want us having to worry constantly or having to put our life aside to take care of her like she did with her mother, it was a pride thing. She didn't want to be a burden to us, which she never was. She was diagnosed with COPD, she had a real bad asthma attack few years back, and she died but was brought back thankfully, she was in the hospital for 3weeks that i remember, cause her partner would pick me an my brother up from school to go see her everyday that we could. But she was put on oxygen and that's when things went rocky, she was always depressed an i was always there helping her, bathing her or did whatever she asked of me. We always fought an made up afterwards, i was the only daughter, and we were super close, and i will tell you the story of her passing, i usually don't like opening up about it, but i'm giving it a shot. 

 

So, i was coming home from work, her and my brother were out an about, going places and visiting family, her little vacation to getting out the house, and as i was pulling in the drive way, my brother parked in the yard to help mom get inside, easier access being she was toting a oxygen tank, i helped her up the steps, and that's where it began, my dogs were acting strange, they usually follow her into the bathroom, but they didn't they stayed in the living room, so i helped her to the bathroom an hooked her up on her machine in the house, and gave her oxygen hose, an while she was on the commode she started panicking, so i was trying to calm her down by talking to her an changing the subject an getting her mind off the attack, that didn't work she desperately searching for bag to breathe into,  well that didn't work so she asked me to help her onto the bed to pat her back, so i was doing that, and all of a sudden she says call 911, so did, i didn't know what to do, she turned white, and she wasn't talking, she was trying too, and i was on the phone with the paramedics an they were telling me to check her pulse, an she wasn't acting right, and as soon as my brother reached the bedroom door my mother let of my hand an fell onto the bed, the paramedics had just rushed into the front and rushed to the bedroom, they told me an my brother to go into another room that this isn't a good way to see what's about to happen, so we did, the whole time we heard the commotion, and they couldn't get her to respond, so they rushed her to the nearest hospital, and we waited till they got in, we were called to the family room an they told us they she had passed during the transport, an they could only get a short response and she didn't make it, that if she did she would of been brain dead, but the death certificate says she passed of cardiac arrest, the hospital wanted us to pay to find out the main cause of death, but we were so poor, we had a hard time coming up with funeral expenses, we even went around asking for donations, and still didn't have enough for a proper burial that she would have wanted, my uncle was kind enough to get the money to cremate her, which was the only option that we had. And i know she wouldn't of wanted to be cremated, i just hope she understands. I never got to say goodbye to her, an i replay that night over and over eachtime i close my eyes, not so bad as it was before, but sometimes i wake up crying from it. And i want closure with her and i don't know or what to do about it. I miss her so much, and everytime i talk about her i get so emotional. She was my best friend, and i hurt everyday without her here, i know she's happy living life pain free, i just wished she knew how much me an my brother loved her.  

[Grieving01]

My mother was 58. I'm 33. I lost her two weeks back. She battled in the hospital for 2 weeks and ultimately passed away due to doctors' negligence and greed. My mom was my life and I feel lost without her.

 

She came in my dream last night and showed me direction and mentioned a thing that I didn't even know about (I can give details if anyone is interested). I came to know about it today morning and I was surprised. All I want to say is that souls are real, and people here who lost their parents shouldn't feel that they are gone. They are watching over us all the time.

[Criscitt8194]

While I've only skimmed some of these and read the entirety of others, I want to first commend each and every one of you for having the courage to use this site and share a part of yourself on here. I am touched, and words cannot express how surprisingly I feel I am made to care for you in a unique way even though I (essentially) don't know you!

 

It has been about 5 and a half months now since my mom died. She was 41, a little over a month short of turning 42. I am the third of four, at 19 years old. The oldest being 24, then 21... with the youngest having just turned 7 a couple days ago. I am the only boy.

 

The most strange thing about the experience of first learning she passed away was that I did not know how to feel. Even until this day, there is a part of me that still withholds 1% of a suspended reality in which she somehow is still alive, that this could not possibly have taken place.. that it was a mistake.

 

But then I remember: I saw her body (which I am very thankful to have been given that opportunity).

 

Not a day goes by I don't think about her, nor nearly all of those days I don't shed a tear. I feel fragmented, like a part of myself is irrevocably lost. I have been forced to confront some of the deepest issues of human nature... despair, anger, hope, faith.

 

Nothing is the same, and my mood fluctuates throughout the day. I feel for each of you whose stories I was humbled to read. And while the details are unique, special, and sacred... I believe we are united in a single commonality... we miss our mothers.

 

It is this sense of loss I feel binding us together.. it is a different, unique loss to each and every one of us yet paradoxically the same. I just want to say that I will pray for each and every one of you on here... that you may accept what has happened.

 

Accept.

 

That is something we must keep praying for... to be reconciled to the present. I wish peace for each of you... that you may find comfort in these words or in a higher power- a sense of order- whichever you choose to believe in. In your darkest moments of despair, please search for that beacon of light.. I can be that shoulder to cry on.

 

Because as terrible as the pain of losing one's mom is... the consolation from enlightening another soul is even greater.

 

I am here to talk and would love to hear your thoughts.

 

God bless. We will see our loved ones again, together and in glory.

[ncpd25]

My Mom passed away on September 3,2014. She was 89 and British war bride. My Mom came to the U.S. in 1946 at the age of 21 with an 8 week old bay (my oldest brother). My Mom never saw her parents again and now that my Mom is gone, I have a better understanding of how she must've felt all those years.

She would say to me (stressing her Northern England accent) "I miss me Mam" or "I want me Mam". She said it to me a week before she passed. Now I'm saying it (minus the accent). I'm the youngest of 4 boys and lost my Father in 1988. I'm still single and took care of my Mom for several years before she passed. She was diagnosed with dementiat a couple of years ago and it wasn't obvious until the last 7-8 months. It was sad to watch her slip away. She always knew who I was but she really didn't remember my brothers as they haven't talked to her in many years.

Mom took a turn on 9/2/14 and I left work early to be by her side. The hospice nurse told me Mom only had a day or two. Mom really wasn't receptive to touch or sound that night. I told her it was OK to let go and go be with her Mom and Dad. I told her I loved and her and I know she heard me because she squeezed my hand. She always told me she wanted " The Long and Winding Road" by the Beatles played at her funeral so, I pulled it up on my phone and played it for her.

I sat by her side throughout the night and the next morning, I placed a call and stepped away from the side of her bed for several minutes but when I returned, she was gone. My Mom was always talking about England ever since I was a kid. As a matter of fact, she remained a British citizen. I think she was homesick ever since she left.

A few months before she passed, I contacted the cemetery in her hometown in England because I thought my Mom would want to go back home. I was going to purchase her own grave and the woman corresponding with me said "This is just a suggestion but there's room for another burial with your Mum's parents". Needless to say, I took my Mom back to her hometown and laid her to rest with her parents. I got messages to my 3 older brothers that our Mother had passed but never received a response from any of them. They were probably concerned that they'd have to help with the cost of the funeral.

Just as well because I know they would've fought me on taking her back to England. They would have told me to handle it the cheapest way possible. So, without them, I had no resistance. When I arrived in England, I went straight to the funeral home and made all of the arrangements. There was no wake as I was the only person there. On the day of the funeral, they had my Mom in repose and a chair for me. I was pleased with the way things were handled.

Now, I'm back home and so lost. My life more or less revolved around my Mom. I had aides at my house during the day and I changed and fed Mom at night and on the weekends. Now, at the end of my workday, I'm ready to rush out of the office to get home to make dinner. It takes me a second to remind myself that Mom isn't here anymore. I come home to an empty house and it breaks my heart knowing Mom won't be there when I get home. I'm looking after myself (I've been a type 1 diabetic since I was 21 years old) and I went back to work as soon as I returned from England. I wanted to be around people and keep myself busy/productive but, tonight I just broke down and started crying. I guess we never get over losing a loved one, especially a parent however, as someone else mentioned, we just learn to live/cope with it better. I'm sure it'll take me a while to adjust and get my bearings but, no matter what happens, I'll always have my Mom and Dad with me. Not sure how well I'd do in front of a support group trying to deal with emotions but I found comfort writing this and knowing that maybe I'm not as alone as I think....

There's obviously no easy answer to what all of us have experienced and each of us handle our situations and emotions in our own way. If you have a family member you can fall back on, by all means do it or a true close friend that's always there for you, talk to them. There will come a day when you can return the gesture and be there for them. Pay it forward. Maybe our Moms wouldn't want to see us so sad? My Mom would say "Oh stop that. I'm fine now, I'm with my Mum and Dad, so wipe the tears and get on with your life. I'll always be with you....

[Everly]

loss my Mom 10/13/14... can't even believe I'm typing the words.  She was 80... I am 52.  My sister and I took care of her these last few months while she was sick... my brother did their share too.

 

It hurts so bad... what hurts worst is that a friend told me I was already grieving too long... we just buried my Mom on Saturday

[ldressle]

Dear Patti,

 

I am sorry for your loss.  Losing your mom must be a difficult journey.  I recently lost my Dad and son and it has only been four months.  I can't even imagine how long it takes to heal from the loss of someone near and dear to your heart.

 

I wish you a day of peace and rest.  I know it is hard when current events trigger memories of lost love.

 

Peace and blessing to you.

 

Lisa

[Kamila]

Hi. My Mom died on October 15, 2014. It's been week and a day filled with so many different emotions and so much pain that I didn't experience iny 35 years of life. My Mom was 59 and I haven't seen her for veey long time. She has a lot of health problems that I wasn't aware of because my family included my Mom tried to protect me. I blame them now even though they had good intentions. I'm writing this right now snd I think I'm in denial..I feel numb. I dont see my life without her being on it but I have a 5 year old daughter that I have to be there for. I never knew my dad and I have no brothers or sisters. I feel so alone. People are trying to be nice but sometimes they make it worse...how to live now...

[EllieT]

Hello,

All I keep saying is I want my mum.

I miss her so much. She died on the 29 august...I can't believe I'm typing those words. She died of pancreatic cancer...I can't believe she has gone forever. I just feel so alone and I'm desperate for people who understand. She was my best friend, I am an only child and I have two little children. It's so hard.

None of my friends understand...they give me the sympathetic looks, but unless you have actually been through this, you have no idea. I just can't imagine a life without her in it. She's been there for me my whole life. We talked or saw each other every day and I can't believe she won't be there to see my girls grow up. Nothing will ever be the same again. I'm so so angry with the world. I hate everyone... I hate seeing mums and daughters and old people knowing my mum will never be one of them. I hate that friends still have their mums....I wish they didn't, which I know is an awful thing to say, but I just wish they knew how I felt. I feel so cheated.

I hate that I'm worried how this could affect my children as I'm obviously not the mum they could have had as I'm grieving....but then I can't grieve completely as I am conscious of them and I then feel angry about that.

I just want my mum. I hate the world!!!! Life is such a bitch for some people!

Not for others though..some people just Sail through life.. I hate them.

[missemyyrosee]

Hi Patti, I also lost my mom. Back in 2012 due to diabetic complications. It was so unexpected. I went to my morning classes she was fine. When I returned she was just dead. I feel so empty and lost. I always wish I could go back to that day. I don't know what I'm doing with myself. I feel so lost. I haven't tried therapy but I'm hoping it will help. There is nothing that can ever make this ok. I vet so jealous when I see my friends with their moms. It hurts me knowing that my future husband or kids will know my mom. I just feel so hopeless. I cry myself to sleep or drink the pain away I know neither is good for me. I feel so isolated and alone. I'm always helping my older brothers, but no one is there to help me grieve.

[Criscitt8194]

Hello again all:

 

I am humbled you have shared these experiences with me. I believe I can sympathize, or empathize, fairly well.. I apprehend the fact I cannot fully appreciate the unique grief you are experiencing at this given moment though.

 

I only pray you find peace in your heart. I sense a - possibly odd - strong sense of positivity from each of you whose stories I read..

 

The fact you are FEELING is good I believe.. It is part of the SOUL's journey. I DON'T mean this to take away from your sufferings, which I can only imagine are boundless..

 

I just hope each of us can come together and accept these realities..

 

As fruitless as it is sometimes, I like to think our beloved are in a better place. Unfortunately, it's US that are here still putting our selves back together. KNOW your mother, father, or child will NEVER LEAVE YOUR SIDE. They are your angel, your keepsake.

 

This may sound morbid... but I believe I will greet my mother at Heaven when it is my time to go. She will receive me into everlasting light. I pray for that time, BUT until then I resolve to live for her, for my loved ones still here, and most of all for myself.

 

God bless you all.

 

~ Christian