My daddy's gone and my heart is broken.

[jesskkk]

We first found out my dad had cancer in late August of 2013. Not even a year later, on July 12, 2014, my dad was gone.

I feel such immense pain from this. My heart hurts and feels broken in two. It has always just been the four of us (now three) my mom, dad, sister and I. My sister's 18 and I am 22. My mom retired to take care of my dad as he quickly got sick from chemo and radiation. We were always there as a family together doing everything, and it is just so different now.

I get it, he's in my heart, he always will be. I hear that so much from people trying to comfort me...but it doesn't help, it only hurts. My dad did what seems like EVERYTHING for my mom, sister, and I. We live on 33 acres and use a wood burning stove to heat our almost 4,000 sq ft log cabin. Without my dad, everything is 50 times more difficult. The upkeep of the property-we don't know what we're doing, cutting wood-is hard for 3 girls. We always helped my dad cut wood, we did that as a family, but without him, it's so hard. Just a few days ago my mom, sis, and I were trying to take down an old light and put a new one up, something that would have taken my dad less than 15 min, took us about two hours. And we couldn't even get it to work..it was beyond frustrating.

I feel guilty now realizing how much my dad did for our family, wondering why I didn't help out more? Why he didn't ask for help? Or why I didn't spend more time with him down at the barn.

I guess I just want some of the pain to go away. I know I'll never feel the same, as I do not wish to. It's just so incredibly hard to think of things yet to happen in the future..the fact he won't physically be there...it kills me.

Another thing weighing on my heart is that I really worry about my mom. My dad was only 50 when he passed, and my mom will be turning 61 next year. I know the loss of my dad is about 10 times harder on her than anyone else...they were truly soul mates, married for 33 years and there want a day since he got sick that she wasn't right there caring for him. I guess I'm worried about how I could help her? And I have this fear that she will die of a broken heart or something. You always hear stories about people who were so deeply in love dying close together...I don't want to have this fear.

I don't know, I'm just glad I got to vent and reading others experiences had already gave me some comfort as well. Bless you all.

[cindyjane]

Hi Jesskkk

 

I am so sorry for your loss.  The passing of a parent is so difficult.  None of us really know the impact they've had on us until they are gone.  My mom passed on almost 11 months ago and that void is still there.  I suspect it always will be.  Although I still miss her terribly, my aching heart has lightened over time and I think it is because I've been able to find feelings of gratefulness for having her in my life.  I've been blessed, as you have to have such a wonderful dad. 

 

Like you have expressed, I believe this is especially hard on the surviving parent.  Over these months since my mom left us, it has been hard on my dad but he has told me many times that it is our family and his friends that is getting him through life.  Just keep being there for your mom through the tears, frustrations, anger ... whatever feelings each of you goes through.  That is what sustains me these days ... the memories and love of my family.  May GOD bless you with comfort during this difficult time.

Cindy Jane

[MissingPieces2014]

Hi jesskkk,

 

I find that apologies aren't very helpful, but regardless I am sorry for your loss. It is very difficult when you find out a loved one has been diagnosed with cancer and then all of a sudden, they are gone. I had a similar experience with both my mother and my father. My mother was diagnosed in May of 2007 and passed away that September when I was 16. My father was diagnosed in July of 2013 and he recently passed away March 31, 2014..the day after my birthday. I don't want to say that I can relate to what you are going through or what you are feeling. Everyone has different reactions and feelings. But what I will say is that I have found the pain never goes away. As I write that, it sounds harsh and cold. Possibly even callous. I truly hope you don't take it that way. All I mean to say is that the loss becomes apart of you  and apart of your daily life and as much as I don't want to say it..the loss becomes normal. Somedays are easy, others are gut wrenchingly difficult. I remember after I lost my mom almost 7 years ago..wow..I was setting the table for dinner. It was just me and my dad at that point. But the thing was I grabbed 3 plates and began setting the table for 3. When I finally realized this, I broke down..thats the moment it became real. That pain has never gone away and honestly a part of me is glad its there. Its a reminder of our relationship, our bond, memories, and the time that we had together. The part that is so difficult now is the recent loss of my father brings everything back. Before I had someone to remember with, cry to, and share our mutual pain. It brought us closer together. Now I have lost him as well and don't know where to turn. Its even harder to think that neither of my parents will be around again to experience life with me. All I can tell you is stay close with your mom, make memories together..however trivial they may seem now they will be some of your fondest memories. Be together, cry together, remember your father together, lean on one another for support through this. It won't be easy..it never is. I can't remember the moment it was easier. To be honest, it wasn't easy or normal for a long time. One day it was..for me it wasn't gradual, at least it didn't seem like it was, one day I woke up and it wasn't my first thought. I went to a counselor for sometime after I lost my mom and one thing she told me has stuck with me. She told me that "today it is constantly on my mind, and one day it will be something I will think about every minute. But one day it will be every 5 minutes and soon every 10 minutes. And someday down the road you will remember and it will be painful but it will be apart of you and your life. It will be something that you have truly accepted and are no longer struggling through."For me it was the idea of the light at the end of the tunnel..that if I just kept struggling through everyday that one day it wouldn't be this hard.

 

I truly wish I could help more, tell you that one day the pain will disappear. I wished for that too and somedays I still do. I hope whatever I have said has been even remotely helpful. Whether it be light at the end of this dark tunnel or just knowing a stranger cares. 

 

Elle Dulles