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Lost Mom to Colon Cancer in March of this year


BGV

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Thinking of my Mom a lot and it's hard.  I know others have gone through a similar experience...

 

My Mom and I were very close.  She was diagnosed in 2012 with Stage IV Colon Cancer.  I traveled every month to see her and help out....she was a strong and amazing woman.

 

She was on a Clinical trial but they stopped it in Oct of last year and gave her 6 months...the end part was awful and I know that it's good that she's not suffering anymore. I feel like it's a blur and I still can't believe she's gone...how to heal?  :(  Have a great deal of anger....

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attorneydavid

I lost my Mother in June. I probably saw her once a month as well I'm not sure how to heal as well. There's this feeling of unreality. I've been going to therapy and it helps having someone you don't feel guilty to unload on 

 

I'm angry some but mainly despondent and Im not sure that's better. Lots of people say that it will get better but never be as good which doesn't really help. 

 

i hope you find a path through this. 

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I am so sorry for both of your losses.  Losing my mom 10 months ago was/is the toughest thing I've ever been through.  In coming here since my mom passed on and reading everyone's posts, I know one thing for sure, it doesn't matter if you've seen your parent once a year, once a month, or every day ... it leaves such a HUGE void when they are gone.  Healing from our loss is such a personal thing.  Some feel deep sadness, or anger, or feelings of craziness, super lonely, guilty.  Some feel all of these feelings.  I don't think there is a right or wrong way to feel or to grieve, nor is there a time limit on it.   I find that when I just go with whatever feeling I am experiencing at any given time on any given day, those feelings seem to lighten a bit.  Any time I try to contain or hide my feelings they get heavier.  That's how it works for me anyway.  This all being said, I know that until my day comes to leave this world that I will always miss my mom as I suspect you guys will too.  That my friends is because we have so much love for them.  Take care and thanks for sharing about your losses. 

 

Cindy Jane

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missingmymama

sorry for all three of your losses..

 

my mom had lung cancer, she never smoked..she passed away feb of this year...it seems ilke just yesterday..

 

the pain never stop..just so horrifying...the only thing that keeps me holding on is that i know she wont want me to die.

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BGV,

 

I too lost my Mom in May to colon cancer. She too had been diagnosed in 2102, stopped treatment in February '14 and passed the end of May at the age of 85. I live 2.5hrs away and spent quite a bit of time with her the last few months as well as talking with her on the phone just about every day. 

 

I miss her so deeply. There's a lot that I/we do not know about "the grieving process", it is so personal that I think all would agree that everyone will have a different path. One thing I am confident about is that MY world will never be the same so long as I am still here on this earth. 

 

The end was very difficult as my wife, sister and father were with her in her last days assisted by the hospice staff. I was so afraid that my lasting memories of her were going to be the images of those last few days and hours... They are still there but I think I am slowly allowing myself to replace them with better memories.  There are no shortcuts to this process/experience because everyone's relationship is unique. 

 

Hang in there, you are not alone!

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I lost my Mom as well to metastatic gastric cancer in July of this year.  Shittiest summer ever.  I was 33 weeks pregnant at the time of her passing, and just couldn't/can't believe she is gone.  She lived with me, so looking down the hallway at her bedroom fills me with such sadness, such a void. 

 

There are no comforting words other than we are not alone.  I tried counseling, but my sadness sets in at odd times and in the middle of the night, a counselor isn't available.  This online forum has given my some hope and comfort.  I am no longer afraid to die because I know I would get to see my mom again (no suicidal tendencies, just saying when it's my time I won't fear...).  I try to have peace in knowing I have an angel by my side.  She sent my son down to me 9 days earlier than expected, and I know it was to dry my tears because she could see that I needed him sooner. 

 

Let your grief come in whatever form it needs to and when it needs to.  I don't hold back tears and do not care who's around.  I am angry at other grandparents who are still alive and healthy and get to enjoy their grandchildren and children when my Mom cannot.  It's so unfair.  I am just now starting to replace the last few images I have of her horrible, slow (5 days) death with hospice here in my home.  I can still see the wheelchair and hospital bed scuff marks on the wall and door as they navigated the items in and out of her bedroom.  It makes me cry.  But I set up a shelf in her room dedicated to her- her guestbook from her funeral, a keepsake urn (she was cremated), a picture, and a few knick knacky items of hers.  I talk to her and take my newborn in to see her.  It's all I have.

 

Stay strong.  Live for yourself and those around you and who love you and still need you.  Our moms/loved ones are free from pain and suffering. 

 

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Dear All,

 

I'm so very sorry for your losses, and although I don't know any of you personally, and perhaps I'll never get to know any of you, I share a bond that nobody wants to have, the understanding of what it means to lose a person we truly loved, and to an awfully cruel illness like cancer.

 

Like you, Sbelavek, I believe that I will reunite with my mom when my time comes, and I know that she's free from all pain and suffering, and accompanied by her own mom, dad, beloved pets, aunties, uncles, cousins and grandparents who have also passed away. I'm glad that she's no longer going through what she went through during the last few weeks of her life, in and out of consciousness because of the effect of painkillers, and unable to go to the toilet on her own, speak properly, breathe without oxygen, eat and sleep unassisted, etc, etc.

 

The latter were really undignified circumstances for her. She was truly happy to have her family around her, and her conscience was fully clear. She had a very strong faith and knew that what awaited her was amazing, but still felt worried about both my brother and I, even though we have good partners and friends in our lives.

 

In any case, it was all so very fast, one moment she was full of energy, eating as much as she always did, exercising, reading, walking, traveling, and the next she started experiencing pain in one of her legs, which despite plenty of specialized tests, only materialized into metastatic lung cancer two months later, and 3 weeks after that she was gone, while I was in complete shock and utterly numb, still am, shocked, that is, not numb, for in the past four months all the pain has hit me like a ton of bricks and hits me so every single day.

 

Of course, I also laugh hard, and there have been some beautiful moments since my mom died, but it's undeniable very hard, day by day.

 

Sometimes I think about those last few days in hospital, and particularly the last 3 days, where her breathing became really difficult, and she refused to wear an oxygen mask, when she wasn't eating anything anymore, and when she was so thin (she was always very slim, but she was super thin in the end), and in absolute pain, and ultimately unable to get up and go to the toilet, and I'm so glad  for she only had to experience such painful situations for a short time, and that she was freed from that nightmare fairly quickly! However, I cannot help but feel guilty and wonder whether I gave her then and always all the love that she deserved, or whether I was too selfish and immature at times.

 

I know that she loved me to bits, for I found some emails recently, and although I cried really hard, it reminded me of how much she truly loved me, despite my flaws, and I know that she knew that I also loved her very deeply, and always will.

 

Sbelavek, it's great that you have got your kids, they're the most powerful reasons to live,  and I believe that  your mom is looking over all of you, and so is mine, each of our moms is with us, as a different form of energy.........

 

I miss my mom terribly and desperately, in the physical world that I still inhabit, and although it's still extremely hard to look at pictures of her and see videos of her without feeling like my heart is breaking into, or read her emails without breaking down, I know that it's much healthier to do so than bottle up my emotions and pretend that I'm really strong when inside I am falling apart.

 

I do know as well that being part of this forum has helped me not to feel so desperately lonely. I know that I'm not the only one, that there are many others out there who suffer like me every day. It does help to know that I'm not alone, and I'm grateful to have found this place which I visit every single day!!!!

 

Best wishes to all in this really tough path,  and apologies for my rambling, and for not being able, after 8 months of grief, to provide comfort to anybody. All I can say is that I truly empathize and sympathize with each and everybody on this forum.

 

Trish

 

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Trish,

I found your post comforting to read. I, too, go through the feelings of guilt wondering if I gave enough. Did she feel loved enough? Sometimes I can't even remember hugging her when she cried! I'm sure I did, I just can't remember. Some nights I go through those last few awful days in my head over and over again, reliving them and how it all played out. I'm hoping that's because it's still fresh and time will allow me to replace those thoughts as well.

This sounds terrible, but I look at my newborn and see a resemblance of my sick mom, and it makes me cry. He's so helpless and lethargic, sleeping all day and needing me. My mom became so infant like in her last few days. It broke my heart to watch her go through that, as she was once very able-bodied and independent. The new, tiny life I brought into this world reminds me of the one I lost.

I miss my mom terribly and desperately as well. Prayers for all of us as we seek peace through this!!!

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