Lost my mom to cancer and I don't know how to cope.

[ohikciv]

The fact that I'm even posting here surprises me. This site and anything related to losing my mom is a trigger. I've been purposely avoiding dealing with my grief because it's just too difficult to face.

 

My mom passed from ovarian cancer in March 2014 after battling it for 3 years. I have been "coping" by avoiding thinking about her. Sometimes I get sudden flashbacks of when she was in hospice care, and flashbacks of the minutes before and after she passed. During those moments, my heart literally feels like it's breaking in in half. I don't even know how to describe the sensation. My heart just feels very ragged and heavy, and I can barely breathe. It feels like a heart attack. I don't know if anyone else has felt/feels this way when they think about their loss? It's the worst feeling in the world because it's a combination of physical and emotional pain. 

 

Initially, after my mom first passed, I was surrounded by people-- people who went to the funeral services, people who told me they'd be there anytime I needed. But in the end, I've found that it's just been meaningless words. After 2-3 weeks passed, a lot of friends gradually stopped talking to me. Rarely anyone ever asks me how I have been doing. I feel pretty alone. I thought that my friends would be there for me even more given that I lost my mom, my only mom... but the exact opposite happened. It's as if I'm now cursed. The few friends that have been there for me, it's hard for them to understand or know what to say to me, and so I've kind of stopped sharing about anything. It just doesn't help when they can't relate at all. 

 

I guess I'm just posting because I need mutual support. I need to know that there are others who have gone through a similar situation, and understand what grief feels like. What that overwhelming sense of sadness and anxiety feels like when it randomly attacks me. That sometimes grief sucks all the air out of the room, and I'm left gasping for air that isn't there. 

[Sbelavek]

I completely understand. My "friends" have whittled down to a select few. The others have surprised me with their absence. Not even a text to check in. I saw a grief counselor, so far just one session, and was told that death is a subject that makes people uncomfortable. Some people don't know how to deal with it or with people who are experiencing a situation involving it, so instead they just opt out. Funny how those same people don't figure that they will have to experience it someday too!! I even had one "friend" who had the nerve to text me within 48 hours of my mom passing saying how selfish I was for not asking about her life and what's going on.... Didn't I know that she had two weddings to attend????! I don't give a flying f**k and was appalled at the nature of that text. Truly unbelievable.

As for the gut wrenching feeling that washes over you periodically when you think about your mom and her passing- NORMAL. I have the same. My mom passed from gastric cancer one month ago tomorrow. She passed here in my home in her bedroom, which I can barely go into at the moment. To boot, I'm delivering a baby in 2 weeks. It's completely awful. I thought she'd make it to see the baby. Sometimes it feels as though she's on vacation or visiting one of my siblings, and that thought makes it easier to deal with. But reality sets in and I near have a panic attack from the images I saw of her dying. We watched her deteriorate for 5 days. If I allow myself to go there, I am uncontrollably sobbing and develop a sudden fear of people and public places. I spent days in my room crying and not allowing anyone to come over because the thought of socializing seemed impossible. I have an toddler and a husband who need me too, but unfortunately they've been put to the side as I work through this. Today is the first day I've cooked dinner for my family. I have been in my pajamas for almost a month.

You are not alone. Reach out. The only comfort we have is in knowing that there are others out there who understand and sympathize.

[Vivi]

Hi,

I know exactly how you are feeling!  I lost my mom in 2013, & all of my friends, & relatives are not able to understand how I feel. They all believe that I should have gotten over her death by this time, but, I know in my heart that I will not ever be able to. I attended a few grieving sessions, but they were not of help to me. My dad passed away 25 years ago, & I still feel the extreme pain. I guess we loved our parents more than most, & that is why we feel more pain than others do.  I am so sorry to hear about your pain & suffering! I know that I have not been of much help to you,but I did want you to know that I am suffering just the same as you are. You are not alone!

 

Vivi

[kelxo]

I know exacrly how you're feeling. I'm going through that as we speak. My dad passed away two months ago and my friends were there for me when it happened now practically none of them talk to me to ask me how I'm doing. I feel more alone than ever also because I just moved to a new town so I dont know anyone right now but still none of my friends call or text me asking me how I am.

[kelxo]

Just know that even though I dont know you, I'm going through what you are so I'm here to talk if you want too.

[missingmymama]

My mom passed away on Feb 18, this year. I know what you meant when you said "your heart break into half".

 

I don't know how I can describe all the last few discussions I shared with my mother. I don't think i will ever get over those heartbreaking feelings, that feeling like i can't breath whenever i get flashbacks of her (and thats more than once or a few time everyday)

 

I have a lump in my throat just writing this out. Its really the worst feeling in the world, I agree with you. Well, i suppose my mom also felt even worse physically speaking when cancer was growing in her stomach and legs. She was only 56.

 

But the emotional pain is one of the worst, losing my mother, she was my everything. Its 3 am and I am still up and thinking about her.

 

I just dont know what to do. So hang in there. I know how you feel and Its hard. I don't have an answer.

[Blackrock]

So sorry for your loss. Your pain is there because you love your mom and she's always a part of you. Her blood is running through ur body and her smile is on ur face. Just remember that. She is now rest in peace and wants u to be happy too. Friends that r not there for u are not true friends so don't put too much emotions in there. It's not worth it. Be strong and think of happier times. Exercise helps to let the stress out. The still cry every time I think about my dad who passed away last year. I'll visit him tomorrow. It's his birthday. I can only be staring at the stone and have a heart break. Pls be strong. We are here for u.

[Blackrock]

So sorry for your loss. Your pain is there because you love your mom and she's always a part of you. Her blood is running through ur body and her smile is on ur face. Just remember that. She is now rest in peace and wants u to be happy too. Friends that r not there for u are not true friends so don't put too much emotions in there. It's not worth it. Be strong and think of happier times. Exercise helps to let the stress out. The still cry every time I think about my dad who passed away last year. I'll visit him tomorrow. It's his birthday. I can only be staring at the stone and have a heart break. Pls be strong. We are here for u.