Lost my mom at 33 weeks pregnant

[Sbelavek]

I lost my mom on 7/9/2014 to a 2 year/4month battle with gastric cancer. She passed in my home. I was her final caretaker (my brother cared for her previously) and I had hospice here during her last 5 days. My siblings and I were able to hold her hands as she took her last breath. She did NOT want to die in my home, but as she grew weaker she never asked for anything else and we didn't see fit moving her to a facility when we had 24/7 hospice here at home. Now that she's passed, I am having difficulty moving forward in the grieving process. I look down the hall at her room and I can still envision the hospital bed and the way she was laying in it.

I was 33 weeks pregnant when she passed. She helped me choose names and prepare baby clothing. I just can't believe she didn't make it- I believed in my heart she would. At the end of May, she walked me down the aisle and got to see me marry, and the first week of July she was gone! It happened so fast. This is my second child and I am beyond grateful that she got to be a grandmother to my first born, as sick as she was for most of his life. But now I am finding it hard to be excited for this next birth because of my grief. I have lost motivation to prepare baby things. Her room is still sitting pretty much as is and I can't imagine it being a nursery for a newborn. I am due in just two weeks.

I am also struggling with regrets. While I played nurse to my mom when she lived here, did I show her enough love? Did I hug her enough? I can't remember. It all happened so quickly.

Please help

[GrievingRose]

Sbelavek:

I'm very sorry for your loss and the fact that you are having such a hard time.

I lost my mom to cancer on 08-26-2014, so I understand pretty well what you're feeling right now. My mom passed at my house as well, only she had only been diagnosed for about a month before she passed. It was a shock for me, I too believed she would be ok.

My point is you are not alone. I am sure that your new baby will be a reminder of the love you and your mom shared.

She would've wanted you to continue to live life as best as you can for your children.

Also, feel no guilt. It's normal to wonder if you did everything possible for your mom. You did, and she knew. How fortunate to have her pass surrounded by her loving children and at home.

I hope you soon feel better.

Best regards,

[Peachmum]

I Lost my beautiful mum in April whilst I was 31 weeks pregnant with my second child. I know too well what you are going through. My mum's last wish was to see her second grandchild but she deteriorated suddenly and quickly, I still don't believe she's gone. I also looked after her in her final days and held her in my arms as she died.

Everyone kept asking me if I was excited about the baby coming and all I could think about was how he would never meet his grandmother, as well as all the other things she would miss seeing in my almost 2 year old's life. So no, I wasn't excited either. In no way did it reflect how much I loved him.

I won't lie. The pain is still raw and I still feel so alone and ripped off when I see other children with their grandmothers. I'm angry that this happened. I miss her immensely and no, it doesn't get easier,

I try to talk about her as much as possible to my children even though they are 2 months and 2 years old. I have put photos up off her all over the house and will make sure they know how much she loved and adored them. I tell my older boy that every time we see a rainbow, it's his grandma telling him she's still here,

It's hard, but you have to protect her memory and pass it on to your babies.

[Sbelavek]

PeachMum and Grieving Rose,

 

Thanks for sharing your story.  Uncanny how they are both so similar to my own.  I am moving through the grieving process and it is so difficult.  Trying to be strong for my almost 3 year old who asks daily, "Mommy sad, mommy ok?" when he sees me well up with tears.  Also trying to find joy in the birth of my new baby in 2 weeks.  Unfortunately, both are overshadowed by my grief.  I know our moms would WANT us to be happy.  It's just so hard!  And to boot, my in-laws are around constantly and I can't help but feel ANGER toward their presence.  Why do THEY get to be here to enjoy their grandchildren and my mom does not?  It's unfair.

[Peachmum]

It's such a hard situation to be in. I look at my young son and feel immense sadness that he will never experience how much love my mum had for him and his older brother. She absolutely adored my older son and he gave her such a new lease on life.

I understand what you feel about your inlaws. It isn't fair and I haven't found an answer myself in order to share one with you. Mine come over every single night... And they fight and criticise us over everything we do with our boys. It's so hard because my family life wasn't like that. My parents never fought like that and I never felt criticised by my mum.. I felt like I could do anything with her and her support around.. And now I don't. I feel really alone. And not to mention the kind of environment that accompanies my inlaws is not one I want my boys to grow up in. I want them to feel like they can achieve anything, not be criticised for every decision they make. And I know my mum would have supported them all the way. I just hate this whole situation.

It hurts that after the funeral, no one even seems to talk about her (other than my dad of course). And every time I talk about her to people, I am met with awkward silence. I can almost hear their sigh of relief when the conversation changes to something else. But it's all that plays on my mind. It's all I think about. It's crap.

[Sbelavek]

Peachmum,

 

A friend of mine told me that most people in general are uncomfortable with the idea of death, hence the awkward silence.  I have truly been shown who my friends are through this experience.  Some have just sent a text to check in once in a month's time, and nothing since.  It's as if they're avoiding me because they don't know what to say or do.  It's crappy. 

 

My in-laws pop over often, many times unannounced.  They are wonderful to my older son who is almost 3, but like you said, it hurts that they are the only grandparent my newborn will ever know.  I have my mom's pictures up in the house, and this last Easter she recorded a book with her voice reading the pages, so my son and I read that often.  In remembering how sick my mom was the last few weeks to months of her life, I try to think how difficult it would have been for her to be around a new baby that she was too ill to enjoy.  AND hearing the other set of grandparents play joyfully and love on a new baby while she lay in bed sick and dying would have torn her up!  It was, however, her goal to hold him/her.  She told me a few days before she passed that if she doesn't make it before the birth, she'll "hold him first and send him down to me."  I am holding onto the idea that she may be holding him/her right now.  In 13 days, I will get to meet my little one.

 

Thank you so much for responding.  Hearing another's situation helps me.  I don't feel so alone.

 

 

[Puppy Spit]

Oh!! I feel our pain

I'm new to this forum but I already feel I've found a place where my grief is understood

I'm 30 weeks pregnant and just lost my Mom 2 weeks ago

Went to a birthday dinner at my in-laws tonight and felt angry and annoyed by the whole thing. I'm just not ready for that yet

Next weekend is my baby shower and it is SO awful that my Mom won't be here for it... She's missing it all

We had so many excited plans about preparing for this baby together. I feel like I'm doing a disservice to her memory whenever I'm happy and like I'm not loving my baby enough when I bawl my eyes out almost nightly.

Any time someone asks me how I'm doing I just want to reply "how should I be doing?! How do you think i'm doing??!!"

I know life is not fair but I can't help my feelings of resentment that pop up whenever I think that my Mother-in-law will be the only grandma this baby will know

This baby deserved to have both of them loving her

[ALEXINCHAINS]

I lost my mom on 7/9/2014 to a 2 year/4month battle with gastric cancer. She passed in my home. I was her final caretaker (my brother cared for her previously) and I had hospice here during her last 5 days. My siblings and I were able to hold her hands as she took her last breath. She did NOT want to die in my home, but as she grew weaker she never asked for anything else and we didn't see fit moving her to a facility when we had 24/7 hospice here at home. Now that she's passed, I am having difficulty moving forward in the grieving process. I look down the hall at her room and I can still envision the hospital bed and the way she was laying in it.

I was 33 weeks pregnant when she passed. She helped me choose names and prepare baby clothing. I just can't believe she didn't make it- I believed in my heart she would. At the end of May, she walked me down the aisle and got to see me marry, and the first week of July she was gone! It happened so fast. This is my second child and I am beyond grateful that she got to be a grandmother to my first born, as sick as she was for most of his life. But now I am finding it hard to be excited for this next birth because of my grief. I have lost motivation to prepare baby things. Her room is still sitting pretty much as is and I can't imagine it being a nursery for a newborn. I am due in just two weeks.

I am also struggling with regrets. While I played nurse to my mom when she lived here, did I show her enough love? Did I hug her enough? I can't remember. It all happened so quickly.

Please help

I cant really offer you any sound advice because I just lost my mother to cancer as well, but maybe you can take comfort in knowing that I know the pain youre feeling way to well and that your not alone....

-Rachel

[Sbelavek]

Puppy Spit,

 

I hear you!!  Our babies deserve to have both of their Grandmas.  It's so unfair.  My mom and I also had so many plans for the new arrival.  Her goal was to hold the baby.  She was so excited to go to the hospital and hear, "It's A ......" (we don't know the gender).  A few days before she passed she told a hospice nurse that if she doesn't make it, she'll "hold him first and send him down to me."  I try to envision her cradling him/her in her arms right now and enjoying every moment before sending him to me.  It's a beautiful thought.  I am thinking about bringing a picture of her to the hospital room so I can feel she's present.

 

I am so thankful to have found this forum because it's helped me to feel like I'm not alone.  Yesterday marked 1 month since her passing.  It's hard to believe it's already been a whole month.  I have had a small few "happy" days and almost felt guilty too for feeling that way.  I KNOW that's what my mom would want for me though. 

 

My in-laws came over for one of their birthdays and I ended up staying in my room and crying the whole time!!  I just couldn't bring myself to act happy and celebrate a birthday when my precious mom is newly gone.  My in-laws are older than she was, and healthier than ever!  Makes me angry and resentful of the grandparents they still get to be and the life they get to enjoy.  Makes me not want to be around them at all.

 

I guess this is normal.....?

[Sbelavek]

Thank you Rachel.

 

It is so helpful just to know that we are not alone.  Grief is awful, but manageable when you have others to share in it with.  I hate that we have to even go through this.  Please feel free to write, write, write if you need to talk.  I/we are here to listen.

 

[Peachmum]

I feel very resentful of other grandparents as well. It kills me when I see pictures of babies enjoying their grandparents and knowing that mine won't. I feel angry when I see grandparents who aren't very involved in their grand kids' lives and question why they couldn't have died instead. I don't even feel guilty for thinking that.

I've become very introverted. I hate the idea of going out and putting on a happy face and pretending everything is normal. It isn't. It'll be four months tomorrow since my mum died and everyday is a reminder of all the things she's missing. She was my best friend and my confidante and my advisor. I feel like I can't talk to anyone else because they aren't going through the same thing. It's nice to have this forum, even though its like being part of a club that nobody wants to be part of.

My son's 2nd birthday is this week and I think this is what has magnified my mums loss so much these last few days. Last year, she was a proud grandma and paraded him around in front of everyone, it was the happiest I had seen her for a long time and we could forget about her illness if only for a day. Things have changed so much in the past year. I get up and I function but the only joy I have is from my children. I feel like one of those clowns at the carnival with a stupid grin plastered across my face all the time because I don't want to make people awkward by talking about my mum.

I feel so angry that she died and never got to meet her second grandchild. So ripped off. Ripped off for my children, ripped off for not being able to ring her numerous times a day and ask her advice or tell her something, and ripped off for my dad who has to go on with his life somehow.

[Peachmum]

Puppy Spit,

 

  A few days before she passed she told a hospice nurse that if she doesn't make it, she'll "hold him first and send him down to me."  I try to envision her cradling him/her in her arms right now and enjoying every moment before sending him to me.  It's a beautiful thought.  I am thinking about bringing a picture of her to the hospital room so I can feel she's present.

 .?

I took a picture of my mum when my son was born. It was comforting. I'm not spiritual in the slightest. I prefer to explain things with facts and science but I felt her presence so strongly in the room when I having my baby. I knew she was there. It was the strangest, yet most comforting thing in the world.

My son is only two months old now but he is such a calm and undemanding baby. Exactly the kind of person my mum was. He prefers to just take everything in and doesn't need constant attention. Much like my mum. His temperament is very much like my mum's and this helps me cope, knowing that he has inherited so much from her.

When you hold that baby in your arms, I assure you that you'll feel so protective and loving towards this little one. But in my experience, it gave me something else to focus on from the grief. I find myself laughing at his gummy innocent smiles and it feels so strange to feel happy again. And then I think 'I wish I could tell my mum this'.. And it starts all over again..

[Peachmum]

I posted the same thing twice.. Not sure how to delete?

[Sbelavek]

Peachmum,

 

I, too, have become totally introverted.  It's so unlike me, but this experience has changed me.  Yesterday I had to return to work to submit my maternity leave paperwork, and I broke into tears at the first condolence hug given.  I hid in my classroom the rest of the day while my coworkers collaborated and went out to lunch.  I just wanted to be alone. 

 

The only pure joy I have is in spending time with my son right now.  Hearing his little voice or playing choo choo trains with him makes me forget the heartache.  9 more days until baby comes.

 

I also feel ripped off.  It's really unfair.  I am hoping you have a relationship with your dad?  I don't at all, haven't spoken in 20 years.  So I truly feel orphaned.

[Tinkering]

I am so sorry for each of your losses. 

 

My dad died in April, when I was about halfway through this pregnancy. Now that this sweet boy is due in two weeks, I feel as though he has just died all over again. I am so sad that he will not meet his grandson. I am devastated that this boy will not know his grandfather and what a wonderful man he was. And even though everyone will tell him, he just won't know. 

 

I feel horribly guilty because rather than being excited and anticipating the baby's arrival, throughout this whole pregnancy I've been dealing with my dad's sickness, cancer diagnosis and death - filled with fear and sadness. 

 

I can echo what you've said about the sadness it brings to see grandparents (even my own children's other set of grandparents) with their grandchildren. It breaks my heart and rips the wound raw all over again. 

 

Thank you all for your candor. Reading each of your words helps me feel understood and supported. I'm sorry that you're all going through this. 

[Tinkering]

I am so sorry for each of your losses. 

 

My dad died in April when I was about halfway through this pregnancy. Now that I'm due in two weeks, the feeling of sadness and grief are raw and overwhelming all over again. I'm so sad that my dad won't get to meet this sweet boy. I'm even more devastated that my son won't get to hug and kiss and know his jolly, kindhearted, affectionate, generous grandpa. And he won't know what a wonderful, special man he was, even though people will tell him. 

 

I echo what you've said about the pain it brings to see other kids with their grandparents - even their other set. I brings me to tears each time. 

 

Lately I've been feeling guilty and anxious because instead of feeling excited and counting down the days until this little one arrives, throughout the whole pregnancy I've been focused on my dad's illness, diagnosis and death. Rather than filling my body with positive emotions and letting him grow in those, I've been giving him sadness, grief, anger, and confusion. 

 

It has been a great support already just reading your words and finding you few who understand. Thank you for your candor. 

 

 

[Sbelavek]

Tinkering,

 

My baby came 9 days early this past Tuesday.  I believe my mom sent him down to me early because she could see how much I needed him to get through my grief and sadness.  I was in tears in the delivery room, so much so that the anesthesiologist had a difficult time administering my epidural!  I was having anxiety about my mom not being there to experience the birth with me.

 

Once my little guy arrived, I couldn't stop smiling.  I brought a picture of my mom into my postpartum room so I could feel like she was there with me to see him.  It was really surreal to see his other set of grandparents there, but not there.  The hospital sent a chaplain and bereavement counseling services to check on me and offer services postpartum.

 

I cried on the way home from the hospital as I took my little one home.  The hurt will never go away, but our little ones will bring a sense of joy and new life that certainly will help.

 

[Sbelavek]

Oops- meant not HER there, but his other set of grandparents.  Typo