Lost my mom at 33 weeks pregnant

[Sbelavek]

I lost my mom on 7/9/2014 to a 2 year/4month battle with gastric cancer. She passed in my home. I was her final caretaker (my brother cared for her previously) and I had hospice here during her last 5 days. My siblings and I were able to hold her hands as she took her last breath. She did NOT want to die in my home, but as she grew weaker she never asked for anything else and we didn't see fit moving her to a facility when we had 24/7 hospice here at home. Now that she's passed, I am having difficulty moving forward in the grieving process. I look down the hall at her room and I can still envision the hospital bed and the way she was laying in it.

I was 33 weeks pregnant when she passed. She helped me choose names and prepare baby clothing. I just can't believe she didn't make it- I believed in my heart she would. At the end of May, she walked me down the aisle and got to see me marry, and the first week of July she was gone! It happened so fast. This is my second child and I am beyond grateful that she got to be a grandmother to my first born, as sick as she was for most of his life. But now I am finding it hard to be excited for this next birth because of my grief. I have lost motivation to prepare baby things. Her room is still sitting pretty much as is and I can't imagine it being a nursery for a newborn. I am due in just two weeks.

I am also struggling with regrets. While I played nurse to my mom when she lived here, did I show her enough love? Did I hug her enough? I can't remember. It all happened so quickly.

Please help

[sweetpeajen]

I want to send you a big hug. I'm sorry for your loss. I can relate - my dad passed away suddenly when I was 33 weeks pregnant too, just this January. I have a beautiful baby girl, my first baby, but I'm still in shock and sadness about my dad's death. My dad had just turned 59. My mom passed away four years ago when she was 55. I have so much anger that my parents whom I was so close to are both gone, that my little girl will never meet them. It is so unfair. So I know your pain and I'm so sorry you're going through this tough time. Please be gentle with yourself and know that you did everything you possibly could to take care of your mom. You did more than most children do. It's natural to feel guilty, but you did your best. Again, just sending you a hug. You're in my thoughts.

[Sbelavek]

Sweetpeajen,

 

Thank you so much. I don't have a relationship with my father at all, so like you, I feel alone without any parents.  It is helpful to know that I'm not alone in this, but it doesn't take away the pain.  Thanks for reaching out.  I'm so sorry for both of your losses. 

[notkate]

I am sorry for your loss.

 

I am also looking at the date and thinking you may have already had your little one and the nursery might be all set up by now!  However, if it isn't, do you have any friends or family you could call on to help you with that?  You've got enough on your mind, and it's scientifically proven that when people feel like they've helped you, it strengthens their bonding feelings toward you.

 

And if you don't feel right moving all her stuff, then I wonder whether you could either (a) set up a temporary small corner of your own room to be your baby's nursery for a time, or ( change that room over, but set up a small shrine or memorial corner for your mom in another spot in your place.

 

Does it help at all to think, "Mom wouldn't want me keeping this room this way; she'd want it done for the baby"?

 

Please do be gentle with yourself.  I know what it's like to be grieving when your baby is born, and it's not easy.  *sympathy*

[Sbelavek]

notkate,

 

I have actually done both of your suggestions!!  My baby was born 9 days early.  I was not prepared with a nursery, so for now the baby is in our room.  I have set up a memorial shelf in my mom's room with her picture, keepsake urn, and guestbook from her funeral, along with some of her knick knacks I had given to her.  I put some of my toddler's toys in there and am using it as a "playroom" for now while in transition.  I thought having toys in there would make the room lighthearted and fun for now, and my mom would enjoy that.

 

My in-laws are here faithfully to help out with the new baby.  I wasn't sure how I was going to feel having them over often when my mom can't be here to enjoy the same, but I have actually found them very helpful. 

 

You're right- my mom would want me to move forward with the room and not let it sit as is!  Part of it is lack of motivation on my part....if I leave her things in there, it's like she's still here.  It's just torture though, really.  Grieving while caring for a newborn is extremely difficult.   

 

Thanks for your reply.  Reading it has made me feel a little stronger today.