Just one more hug, one more conversation .....

[Squeege]

My beautiful Dad passed away from cancer on 12 May this year.  I miss him so much it takes my breath away.  We were so very close, spoke every day, the gap in my life feels enormous.  I feel like people around me don't "get it" but then how can they unless they're in the same position?  I unfortunately can't share my grief with my only sibling as he attacked me only 2 days after our Dad died

 

I keep wanting to talk to my Dad all the time, like we used to, about anything and everything.  We could talk for hours.  He always made me laugh and loved me unconditionally ... I always knew my Dad had my back.  He was always there for me, he was my rock and I loved him so very much.

 

I was with him when he passed.  It was beautiful and peaceful and what I wanted for him.  I was playing his favourite music and caressing him arm and hand and he just stopped breathing.  I feel so privileged that he chose to go with me by his side.  I keep seeing him lying there and not breathing, you know, looking at him waiting for him to take another breath but knowing he wasn't going to and never would again.  The finality of it is beyond heartbreaking.

 

I always thought when he went, that I would feel him around me, that I would 'know' he was close by but I'm struggling with that.  I've been told that perhaps I'm not picking up on things because I'm so deep in grief or maybe he's coming to me in ways I'm not expecting or used to.  When I lost my close friend 2 years ago, there were so many things, so many signs she was still with me and I'm longing to have the same with my Dad.

 

I try really hard not to look too far forward because it overwhelms me so much to imagine the future without my darling Dad.  What I would give for one more hug, one more chat and cuppa.  To hear his voice again, his laugh ..... this hurts so much

 

 

 

 

[cindyjane]

So sorry about your loss.  In reading about the wonderful relationship you had with your dad I see that as such a huge blessing.  I can relate to the void as I lost my mom last October and that void is still there.  What I have found over these months is that the "signs" are with my memories in the things that I do which we use to do together.  Planting the flowers in the Spring, going shopping together, sitting in the back yard watering the garden, etc.  When I do these things now and remember when her and I use to do them together I feel very close to her.  Not really "signs" but memories which I hold in my heart.

 

take care

Cindy

[lemc87]

Squeege and Cindy,

 

I'm so sorry for your losses.

 

I also lost my mom in October and we were extremely close, so I understand the void you're feeling. I keep searching for "signs" as well, but am struggling to find any. I really do believe she is here with me though. I have been doing what Cindy described. Whenever I do something that her and I used to do, I think about her. I cling to the memories.

 

I know it hurts. Often, I cry while thinking about never hearing her voice, seeing her smile, watching her laugh. But in time, it has gotten easier. Whenever I feel upset, I try to think about all the happy times we shared and how fortunate I was to have a mom who loved me as much as she did. It's a blessing to have a parent love their children unconditionally.

 

Virtual hugs.