Feel completely alone.

[ComfortingFriend]

I'm new to this forum, and hope and pray that I might be able to find some compassionate people, that I might be able to relate to.

My father passed away on May 9 of this year.

My pain is worse now, than when it first happened.

Dad suffered a massive stroke in 2008, which left him paralyzed. He had no use of his left side, but thankfully, he retained his mind, right up until his death. We were always able to talk with him. Because of this, and his multiple health issues which had derived from the stroke, nursing home care was our only realistic choice.

Dad was always a such an inspiration to everyone he met. He was the very best father a son could possibly have. Always loving, supportive, and understanding. He was a kind, gentle soul--who was just like a living saint, if there ever were one.

Besides my mom, I have no brothers or sisters, wife or children, or any other living family. No one can possibly comprehend the closeness that the three of us shared, for all of my 47 years. The three of us were the family unit: we went places together, ate out, played games, and helped each other through the hard times of life. We were always there for each other.

For six long years, my mother and I visited Dad at his facility, at least four times a week or whenever we could. My parents were married for 53 years when he passed. There were countless trips to the hospital for infections, pneumonia, and aspiration problems throughout those six years. We never knew when the phone might ring, in the middle of the night.

My poor mother's legs finally gave out from all this.

During 2014 she has had to undergo two separate total knee replacement surgeries.

The first operation was in April, and the second one is coming up this week. (Week of August 4).

On the very day that I brought my mother home from her rehabilitation stay in late April, we received a call from the other hospital saying that my father had gone into cardiac arrest. They said that there was no hope for my dad to recover this time. I had to make the heart wrenching decision of placing him into hospice, where he passed away peacefully, three days later.

I really need someone here, who maybe I can reach out to. I have never before been through such profound suffering, and sorrow. I have a lot of social anxiety, and so even though I have acquaintances, there are no really close friends, where I live. Most people have abandoned my mother and me, right after the funeral was over.

From those few people I know, I have gotten the standard (I guess) replies: that I must always remain strong, that time heals all, and that I should find joy in my suffering. ....Most of society simply gives me the callous 'snap out of it', or ''get over it'. No one where I work has extended themselves in any concrete way at all, which I believe I would have gladly accepted. It seems like hope is just lost, sometimes.

Is it all right for a guy to cry? I just need to let it all out. I have no one to do that with. I often wished that I had a brother, or sister, or some other close relative that I could be myself with--but I don't. I pray continually to The Lord, for Him to provide me with the strength to get through each day, for my mother's sake, as well as my own.

Each morning, I let the tears come for a while, before I get up and try to prepare myself for the day: going to work, and helping prepare my mom for her upcoming surgery. I do need to be strong for her sake, because I love her more than anything else in this world. I need to be supporting her and uplifting her, during this difficult procedure--which she is having to go through all over again.

When I am at work, I try to focus on what I'm doing, and just be polite to people. At breaks, I need to go out to my car, and let my sorrow out some more.

I know that when all is said and done, I probably need to find a church community with supporting local people. That would be my long range goal. But that takes time, to try to form relationships all over again, and it is especially hard for someone who has anxiety. Counseling is another option, which seems to be the typical recommendation from whoever doesn't want to hear my problem. But again, how can I go to counseling when my mother will be recovering for weeks following her surgery, which will require my constant attention, as her only family member?

I'm sorry, if this post is longer than most on here, I just needed to share with some compassionate people, most of what I am facing right now.

How I miss my dad. We had a bond that was far more than father and son; he was an intricate fiber of my very being. I have lost my beloved parent of 47 years, and my very best friend. I don't have him anymore, to help guide my hand.

I would love it, if someone could maybe contact me for a time, either on here, or through my email:

bradtenan@gmail.com. I would appreciate it, more than you know.

Thank you, and God bless you all.

[DAC2209]

I last posted on here I think in March 2008 (my post is on the very last but one page here (Loss of Parents) under my user name. I guess nothing I can say will make you feel better or ease your pain. But yours was the first post I read having logged on for the first time in years – I don’t know when I will look again. And it just took me back to those awful first days when I lost my Mum and all I can recall are my raw emotions and a need to express what I was feeling. When I lost Mum I thought I was going out of my mind. I hated it when people told me it gets easier as time passes. But it does. I would never have believed I would one day think of her and smile. But I do. I visit Dad daily - he is 90 this year and we still get a little sad. When he isn't looking I kiss the photo of Mum and very quietly tell her I love her and imagine her hugging me and saying the same. That's all I wanted to say - that you are not alone. And yes - it is perfectly OK for a guy to cry. I still do. Our loved ones wouldn't want us to be forever sad and so we carry on. Rubbish at this aren’t I? But I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you as I am sure others are.

[Chandreyee]

Right now, I don't have it in me to read the above comments (I'm hurting quite a bit right now and even being on this site is triggering at the moment.) I don't want to post some long story mostly because it will bring up all the stuff that I have basically been suppressing for the most part since my dad left (I still struggle to say it the 'real' way). Bottom line, the feeling of being lost is all too familiar right now. Hugs from a stranger.