2nd Birthday in Heaven

[HeyJude]

Yesterday I was a total mess.  It would have been my husbands 59th birthday and for some reason I took it really hard yesterday.  I cried more yesterday than I have in a long time.  Gut wrenching sobs.  I miss him so much.  He was my everything and there isn't a man on the face of this earth that can replace him.  So I pretty much had to face up to spending the rest of my life alone.  This all hurts so bad.  Just as bad as it did the first week.  I don't know how we survive this agony.

[MissingDaniel]

I'm so sorry Judy!  I think we are both at the stage where we do okay some of the time, but then some days there are triggers or special dates that send us reeling.  I can understand his birthday being one of those for you.  It's a day we recognize that person and celebrate them, and when that someone is gone, it forces you to focus on that fact and looking back at past birthdays and special celebrations, and then being reminded that those celebrations are at an end.  But you know, maybe you needed a good cry.  I had a day like that last week, and just sobbed, but afterward, I felt more calm. I think the sadness and worries and stress had just built up and I had to let it out.

 

It's hard looking forward and seeing a future of "alone", isn't it?  I hate it.  I have been trying to come to terms with it, and recognize that it may well be what awaits me, but I'm not really at peace with it.  I hope you are having a better day today, and I wish for some measure of happiness for you, whatever that may mean.   Hugs Judy!

[sim-law]

Judy,
you are such a lovely person, I just wish you happiness and joy in your life whenever it will come. We all seem to have these horrible bad days, I have not had to go through the agony anniversaries of  yet, but it will not be long and I am dreading Christmas which was always for me a time of happiness and hope since ever I can remember.
 
Peace and Love
Simon

[backyarder1]

Hi Judy. What in the heck is the matter with us? I still keep having "total mess" days, too. I sure wish I could figure out what makes the moods go up and down.

[Dr. Pat]

Dearest Judy -

 

Oh my yes - anniversaries (of any kind - birthdays, wedding, death, special days) are always a challenge. You haven't lost any ground, or gotten "worse". It is just a normal phase of recycling grief. As we move out from the trauma of the event the emotional breakdowns happen less often, and last less long, but they do still occur. It's like a spiral that starts really tight and close together and gradually spirals out into bigger and bigger circles. 

 

I work at being prepared for the inevitable breakdown as I approach an anniversary. To get ready I start reading items from my Blessing Box (a box filled with hand written notes to myself about things I am grateful for or appreciative of, especially about my loved one). I start the night before the anniversary and then keep it up throughout the next day. It's hard to have positive emotions coexist with negative ones, and for brief periods I get some relief from the pain. It hurts. Your heart actually hurts. 

 

Please see additional ideas that will help on a webinar I created: Grief Webinar.

 

All my best,

 

Keep on the Journey

 

Dr. Pat

[Silvergirl61]

Hey Judy!

 

  Sorry I haven't stopped by for so long, or I would have replied to this sooner.

 

   I think we survive this pain because we simply have to. They wanted us to. They loved us so much and wanted nothing more for us , than for us to be happy.

 

   We are their legacy. They live on in us and with us, as long as we go on...for who knew them better than us? When we joined our lives with theirs, the dreams became shared. All the hopes and fears, all the plans. The memories we have of those men we loved are the most complete, the deepest and strongest treasures we possess. Time and distance cannot destroy the love..and so we go on- in spite of the pain and the grief. Somewhere they watch over us, and cheer us on, and keep encouraging us to live on, be happy, and be the best we can be. That's our why and our how.

 

  Dennis' 50th birthday just passed a short while ago..and right on it's heels...the second year rolled by. I still feel his presence in my life, and  it's a comfort...although it sometimes causes me pain... to know I will always have him in my mind and in my heart.

 

  Maybe someday, we will be able to love again...although it still seems to me impossible. It no longer matters to me, because i am learning to function as i am now. His was the one love, the best love..and it made me stronger than i knew. If , when my time comes..I am still "his wife"..then so be it.

This is my life, and i can only follow my heart..as you must yours.

 

   I'm sending you a hug, right now. Take care of yourself, and be as happy as you can be.

                                                                                                   Silver

[HeyJude]

What a great reply Silver!  Yes, we are their legacy.  I know that my Jerry is so proud of me.  It is almost like he is living in me.  It is hard to explain but he taught me so much, more than I ever knew.  Every time something comes up I can hear him in my mind telling me that I know what to do.  I have no fear either, in doing the things that he used to do.  It is almost like something just takes over and I start doing.  For instance...I live in the country and have a 55 gallon "burn barrel".  I needed to replace it so I went and got one, brought it home, flipped it over and got my drill and drilled several holes in the sides close to the bottom for ventilation.  Where the hell did the knowledge for that come from????  I check my tire pressure...not a hard task but I had never done it before.  Stuff like that, I just do it and it kind of blows me away because I didn't ever do stuff like that before.  I've been working outside, something I didn't do before and I am finding that I like it more than working inside.

 

I used to tell Jerry in a joking manner that if anything ever happened to him there would NEVER, EVER be another man in my life.  I joked and said that I had ENOUGH!!  Now that he is gone I really do feel like there will never be another man in my life.  I could never love anyone else the way I love him.  He is my husband, dead or alive.  I don't think there is a man alive today that could hold a candle to my Jerry.  Plus, I have told God that if I am ever to have another husband that God is going to have to deliver him to me. I'm not actively looking.

[MissingDaniel]

Silver, it is so good to see you back here, and am happy to hear of the progress you have made.  I always enjoy reading your posts, because you have such a wonderful gift for expressing yourself, and convey your feelings with such clarity and sense.  Glad to hear the grandson is doing well, and I know he has been such a blessing to you.

 

Judy, I think it's great how you are discovering all this knowledge and experience that came from Jerry and are just naturally putting it to use.  I am sure Jerry is very proud of you.  I think all of us have found that we were much stronger than we ever thought we could be.  You should be proud. 

 

I too just had the experience of the second birthday since he passed.  Monday would have been Daniel's 41st birthday, and I struggled all day at work for focus.  It was interesting to me, though, how different I felt this year.  Last year I cried so much, and was just overcome with grief that he had not reached that 40 year milestone.  This year, the sadness was there, but I think for me it was more of a celebration of his memory and thinking about happy memories.  The tears were there too, but it was good to have some smiles in the mix.  A year sure does make a difference.

 

My best to you both!