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But the most precious thing to me was you being there for my first breath, and me being there for your last...


Louise7728

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My life will never be the same…

 

Sorry this post is so long…I’ve never written on anything like this before and once I’ve stared typing I can’t stop.  I lost my dad on 7th February 2013.  He was firstly diagnosed with prostate cancer in July 2011 shortly after his 50th birthday.  By the time we found out he had it, it was terminal…they think he had already had it for around 2-3 years.  The only sign of this was the end of May 2011 when he couldn’t urinate, they done some tests and confirmed that this was cancer in July 2011.  They said if they hadn’t have found out then and got the right treatment, he would have only had 18 months.  I found out I was pregnant in the September. We were all so happy and I guess I sort of planned it, so that he could have a grandchild.  Little did we know the worst was yet to come.  We found out in the October day after I had my 12 weeks scan that he had a brain tumour (glioblastoma), it was high grade and also terminal. Again, all he had was a headache one day.  His words “ I feel like I’ve been hit with a sledge hammer right across here.” That’s where the tumor was. This hadn’t spread and they were both primary tumors, both unrelated to one another.  The tumor was pretty big and had to be operated on. He was in a local hospital to us on the cancer ward, then transferred to King’s college, where he had the operation. I can’t explain the pain in his eyes afterwards. To cough, to sneeze, to talk anything hurt him. He didn’t really know who some people were at first. I remember him saying that my brother – his 20 year old son, was his brother and he didn’t know my brother’s girlfriend who he had been with for 4 years. I was so grateful (selfishly) that he knew who I was.  This was such a tough time for me, I was pregnant, tired all the time and running back and fourth from hospitals, appointments, work, parents home, my home. My partner has a binge drinking problem and he would disappear for weekends on end.  I went through a lot!!! We plodded along, Christmas, new year etc. My dad is one of 8, so we had a lot of support I guess, we weren’t that close to them, but they helped as there was a lot of people around. There is 3 children, I am the eldest (now 27), sister at 25 and brother 23.  I don’t really think anyone appreciates what I went through, being the eldest I had to be strongest for my mum, the other two are not that good at communicating and I buried their head in sand more, although they were there all the time, I was the one who had to be strong for mum.  They were soul mates and she was devastated, she looked up so much about medication, diets, everything she possibly could to make my dad better or more comfortable. My dad went into St Christopher’s hospice for pain relief in May 2012, which was when I gave birth to my darling baby boy. We came home on the same day.  But things just got worse and worse and finally, went into the hospice for pain relieve in Nov 2012 and unfortunately never came home again, apart from the odd day at the start. We spent Christmas, new year and every single day from November – February at the hospice, whether is was snowing or I had child care problems or whatever, I was there. The week of his death I stayed every night by his side or on the sofa in the visiting room. I don’t think I could have been there anymore if I tried, it was like a second home to me. The nurses there looked after my darling Daddy so well and I will be forever grateful to them.  I suppose they never have people there for so long, hospice is for last stages, but my dad was soooo strong that he kept fighting and fighting until his body finally gave up the fight a 5.25pm on Thursday 07th February 2013.  My heart has never been the same again. I think I started the grieving process once we heard that news. Not so much grieving everyday. But it was the grieving for a future I knew I would never have and knowing deep down he wouldn’t be there forever. My dad would never get to walk me down the aisle or dance at my wedding. Although he would get to meet his Grandson/Granddaughter he would never get to meet my other children (if I have any). Also grieving for the man he once was. He changed as soon as we heard the news first time around and the doctor saying “you would have had 18 months if we hadn’t have found this now” although we tried to tell him over and over again, that that was WITHOUT treatment, those words stuck in his mind like you wouldn’t believe. My darling Daddy only lived 19 months after he was told that…maybe he knew…maybe he knew that his time would come to an end. But maybe he gave up hope. I don’t feel like I have had time to grieve properly. I have had to be so strong for my mum, sister, brother, both my nans, my son, everyone.  I took one year off on maternity leave which I will also be forever grateful to my son for, he came just at the right time, he got to meet his Grandad, if only for a few months and I got to so spend so much time with my dad, I don’t know how I would have coped if I would have been at work everyday like my brother and sister. I have so many emotions inside me, I am an emotional person anyway, so I guess it doesn’t help.  Part of me wants to have a sign on my head saying – I’VE LOST MY DAD!!!!  I want people to feel sorry for me, I want people to understand but they don’t, they can’t. Like people say until you have been through it, you will never understand and even then everyone’s relationships are different. I have always been a massive daddy’s girl, even though I was such a handful as a teenager and growing up – which I still feel so guilty for. But we always were still so so close. I hate him not being here, he was such a wonderful man and although he was a quiet one, I knew he was always there.  We never spoke about dying and we never told him either. I guess he knew deep down but we always told him he would be ok.  I find everyday a battle and although I just get up and get on with it – I don’t want to. I want to be with him!! I miss him so much and I know people say it gets better, I don’t think it does. Yes, you learn to cope without him/them being in your life, but I think you miss them more and more. I miss so much he isn’t here to see my son growing up. He would have loved him so much and people say, oh he still does, he is still here. The reality is – he isn’t here and it’s not the same. My life isn’t the same and I just want to feel sorry for myself, I want others to feel sorry for me! It’s so selfish – people go through this all the time. I understand this – but I don’t think it makes it any easier.  My mums met someone else now. It’s hard…I am happy for her, I hated so much to see her so desperate, so depressed, crying and begging for him to come back to come home to her, they were so in love. My dad lived for my mum! Pure and simple, he could be a massive sulker and they have had their ups and downs but he loved her more than anyone and anything else in the world.  She would have been married to him for 29 years this year and have been together since she was 16.  I find it hard to be happy for her sometimes, she’s changed. She isn’t the person she once was…I find that hard. She gets another chance at love, a new partner to spend her life with. She gets to experience love again. I don’t! I can’t get a new dad, I can’t ever ever have him back! It’s not fair…why us, why him, why not anyone else – then of course I feel mega guilty when I think things like that. But I guess that’s just grief talking! I am still so hurt, angry, frustrated. I cry every time I am on my own, I like to have a long hot bath (when I get two moments to myself) and all I do is listen to his funeral songs and cry. Cry for all the times we have had together, all the times we won’t have together, all the regrets, all the memories. I just people would give me a break and understand! Having a 2 year old keeps me very busy and I happy pleased for that. But sometimes I just want to be on my own and cry cry cry. I was the closest to my dad and although I can’t say that to anyone as they think that that is unfair to say, like their grief isn’t as important as my siblings or that I miss him more, that isn’t what I mean at all…I just mean that I find it really really hard. No one seems to talk about him as whenever we do, we just cry. But I don’t want to forget, I don’t want to forget him.  Like other posts I have read, I wish I could have those last moments back…when he left us and went with the angels.

 

Part of my sister’s funeral poem to him was “But the most precious thing to me was you being there for my first breath, and me being there for your last.”

 

I’m sorry for this massive post and I don’t expect replies or for people to read it…I just needed to get it off my chest to people who may understand.

 

Louise x

 

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“But the most precious thing to me was you being there for my first breath, and me being there for your last.”

 

I love this line.. sounds like a tattoo I should get for my dad.  Oddly my mom is thinking of getting a tattoo as well.  Nothing wrong with a tattoo just didn't expect my 66 year old mom to want one.  All in dedication to my dad so I don't see anything wrong with that.  I hope maybe we can get one at the same time. 

 

Thanks for posting and hope you find some peace..   I hope we ALL find some peace.

 

Shawn

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