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Dreams and grieving


JenTIn

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It has been almost a year since my daddy died.  I am almost 41, and I feel like a little girl, orphaned.  My dad was diagnosed with liver cancer in early 2013.  He was gone within 6 months. I have been to therapy since about 2 weeks after his death, and I went through a stage where I thought I was dealing with it well, and then I plummeted into sickness and deep depression.  I am in the midst of it now.  My dad was the ONLY person on the planet who understood me and loved me without condition. We had a special connection, to the point that he could send me "thoughts" and receive mine, with clarity.  (Don't get me wrong, I am not some fru fru person, and I don't really get all that metaphysical stuff, but nonetheless we could do this.) I remember one day, a few weeks before he died, I made him PROMISE me that if there was a way to do it, or if there was life after death, he would haunt me!  It was our deal.  ;)  Anyhow, there has been no haunting to my knowledge, but I do have times that I "see" him in my dreams.  (I am agnostic with a tendency toward thinking scientifically so I question supernatural stuff, especially if it comes from my own experience) I am quite vocal about not really believing supernatural stuff, so when I find myself searching for signs, it makes me feel quite awkward. 

That said, I still dream of him often.  Some dreams are good.  He tells me the things I need to know in order to cope.  There is a sadness there, but overall, those dreams leave me feeling content.  Other dreams, like the one I had last night, not so good. Mostly traumatic.  (I will give a commentary of that dream at the end of this post)  My question is: How long will these feelings of absolute trauma go on? My dad died, the day before my 40th birthday, and my 41st is coming very soon.  I almost feel worse than I did, the days before his death.  The dreams are getting more and more clear and real.  To the point that sometimes I stay awake, so I won't have to endure them, all the while, feeling as though I might be missing one of the "good ones".  And are my dreams just a way to process my loss, or is he trying to comfort me?  Is he still "somewhere"?  My automatic answer to that is "probably not".  But I wish he was.  
So here is the latest dream.  Any thoughts or analyzations are appreciated.

Someone has kidnapped my dad. There is a pattern established. They send a body part with directions on where to meet them. I am at a public place, when I get the call. Mom and Nate are together somewhere else. I need to meet them and get in their car because my car is almost out of gas. As I walk out the door I see a half empty purse. I get a very very sad feeling, noting to myself, that that was my purse, the last time I saw him. I had left it there, in a hurry, going to meet the kidnappers. I run out the door and meet up with mom and Nate. CBS News calls me when I am at the meeting place waiting . I don't catch the lady's name. I am inside with Nate and mom is outside the big glass window, waiting. I get the call from the kidnappers, while I am on the phone with the news correspondent and so I hang up with her. I go to the window and see my dad in a car. He is looking at me. He has one ear missing and he cant talk because they took his voice box (the cuts were not bleeding and it appears that they are healed). Then somehow, they get my mom and tell me (in my head) that they are taking my mom also, and cutting off her ear. Dad is now standing on the other side of the window, calmly looking into my eyes. He is pissed at these men, but is remaining calm. He is wearing black pants, a western shirt and a black cowboy hat, that the kidnappers made him wear for a disguise. He mouths “I love you. It will be ok.” I am screaming and banging on the window. They have my mom in a car, with one kidnapper, as the other kidnapper walks down the sidewalk a little way with my dad. Then my dad transforms from my older dad, to a very young version of him. The traffic is going by very quickly. He has his back to the traffic and his hands in his pants pockets. He keeps carelessly leaning back into the traffic, taunting his kidnappers. (He is grinning at them because he can tell they are worried they will lose leverage if he dies.) I can see the force of the cars reeling past him, blow his jacket against his skin, and I am transformed into a 4 year old, still screaming and banging on the window, saying, “I don’t want you to do that, daddy, please stop doing that”, while old bearded men, stare at me from the bar over their shoulders. Then I wake up.

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attorneydavid

People will say all sorts of things regarding dreams. That one sounds like your subconcious trying to tell you something.

 

 

Most dream guides online seem to indicate that visitation dreams seam to be a separate category that's very vivid and real but not weird like a dream. Shortly after Mother died I dreamed I was back caring for her with the added complication of a Zombie invasion. I'm sure that was a dream. It was a happy dream because I was with Mother but it seemed to be what I wanted which was to be back taking care of Mother. 

 

I had some dreams days after Mom passed that I needed to go and do something for her. That sounds kind of like your dream trying to work out some sort of course of action and not ready to give up on him yet. 

 

A month after Mother died I had a very clear dream just involving conversing with no funny business. It seemed radically different then the zombie dream. I felt amazingly better after I woke up. 

 

I don't know. I don't think anyone can know for sure. If there is an afterlife rock solid proof of it would invalidate the whole living thing and make it a bit pointless. 

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